July 2020
This month, in honor of National Friendship Day on July 30, we asked our writers to contemplate friendship and what it means to them
Five minutes
Emmy Jansen
Class of 2023
Friends are a very hard thing to measure. I never had a group of people I hung out with outside of school or stayed up late talking on the phone with, so I’ve always said I never really had friends. But in high school, I never sat alone at lunches or got overlooked for group projects. Honestly, a lot of people knew me and knew a lot about me. It’s been more than a year
since I was in high school and I’ve realized a lot about those four years. If my freshman year of college taught me anything, it was about friendships. What I’ve learned is that I’ve been measuring them incorrectly the whole time.
When we were sent away from our dorms and finished the semester from our parents’ houses, I started a job at an assisted living facility in the next town over. Among my many duties, I screen every visitor for COVID-19 when they enter and exit the building. But I spend most of my time answering the phone and transferring it to one of the managers or residents in the
building.
There is one woman who I am constantly getting calls for. The facility I work for specializes in dementia care and this particular resident lives in our severe dementia unit. She gets a handful of calls a day, but there is one woman who calls every day, without fail. When I see her name on the caller ID, I’m already typing in the code to transfer her. Every time someone
calls to speak with this resident, I think about how popular she must be and how many friends she must’ve made growing up.
One Sunday late in May, I got a call for her. I transferred it like normal. Half a second later, I get a call from the woman who calls the most. She asked to be transferred and I had to say, "I’m sorry, someone just got on the line with her. Can you call back later?"
"You can just put me on hold until she finishes. She has dementia, she only talks for a couple of minutes anyway," is all she said. It never occurred to me that the conversations were short. I always pictured the resident yapping away on the phone while the other residents were in line waiting to speak to their loved ones. But it wasn’t for hours. It was for five minutes,
at most.
Five minutes doesn’t seem like a lot. That’s only thirty-five minutes a week. Over a whole year, the woman spent about thirty hours on the phone with her friend. That’s a little more than a day. Outside the walls of the facility, a person who spends one day with you a year is basically a stranger. But to that resident, that is her best friend in the whole world. In modern
life, I see people always looking for an hour or two to be able to go out for coffee or drinks with a friend. After not seeing each other, since we’re swamped with work and home life, you need extended time to catch up. But maybe it isn’t the hour over coffee or wine that makes friendship. Maybe it’s the five-minute daily checkup.
It cost the woman very little to keep being a friend. All it took was the self-discipline to remember to call every day. And it takes a little patience and understanding to hold a conversation with someone with severe dementia. But it was five minutes out of her day. I could spare five minutes to call a friend. I could spare ten or twenty if I really tried. But I’ve never
considered that as an option. For me, it’s either I have two or three hours to call a friend or I shouldn’t bother trying.
The most important thing I’ve learned is that friendship isn’t measured by time. I spend more time with the same drivers every evening during rush hour traffic than that woman did with her friend in my facility. That doesn’t mean the man in front of me in the Honda Civic is my best friend, or a better friend than her. In fact, I can’t think of a better friend than that
woman, who calls everyday and spends more time on hold with me than she does talking to her friend. Her friendship is in the dedication. It’s in the refusal to forget about her friend, who probably doesn’t remember who she is most days. Maybe before the pandemic, she would come to visit and talk for longer. But despite the distance and social distancing, she makes sure to be
there.
When I think about who my friends are, I think about who would take five minutes out of their day to talk to me. My list of people who wouldn’t waste five minutes with me is much shorter than the list of people who would. This is true for you as well. Friendship isn’t found in extravagant gestures or Christmas gifts. It isn’t in weekends away or nights out. It’s in the
little moments. Five little ones.
It’s always stressed how kids should call their parents who live in senior communities. We hear horror stories where adult children put their parents in a home and then forget about them until the funeral. But what about friends? I get hounded everyday by residents who want to know if they’ve gotten any mail. Their faces light up when I hand them an envelope, especially
with the pandemic putting the facility on lockdown. These letters are rarely ever from family members, who usually call or wave from the window when they drop off supplies. The mail truck drops off a bin of messages and cards from friends every day. While people should call their parents and grandparents, friends should do the same. All it takes is five minutes. If a daily
call is too much commitment, write a letter once a week. Find a senior care complex near you and ask if they have a pen pal program. If they don’t, then start one. Become a friend to a resident. Five minutes may not seem like a lot to you, but they don’t have many more "five minutes" left. You might learn a thing or two. I know I have.
I always said I didn’t have friends, because there wasn’t a group of girls who walked around the mall with me or that I had slumber parties with on Friday nights. But looking at a clock, I can never be short of friends. It’s already broken up into five-minute intervals, just for this purpose. In an hour, I can have twelve friendships bud or continue blooming. But really,
who’s counting?
Read other articles by Emmy Jansen
Ti Voglio Bene
Harry Scherer
Class of 2022
I don’t know Italian. For many reasons, I wish I did. One of these reasons is the wisdom that is enshrined in some of their common phrases. On the topic of friendship, the first one that comes to mind is ti voglio bene. This is the way Italians say, "I love you." Literally translated, it means "I want the good for you."
This mellifluous phrase is one that bears much meaning for both the speaker and the receiver. By uttering these words, the speaker promises that, in every circumstance, he has desired, desires and will desire the good to come upon the receiver. As a response, the receiver is in a position of gratitude and debt for this desire that, hopefully,
transcends time and space.
There are deeper implications for this phrase, though. Our culture seems hesitant to mention some of these more impactful meanings because of our sincerely misunderstood perception of the nature of true love. Bumper stickers on cars and storefronts bearing the apparently novel idea that ‘love is love’ indicate that any person who disagrees with the
questionable political motives behind such a statement can be rightly identified as a bigot, or at the very least socially backward. Ti voglio bene says, on the other hand, that the true meaning of love means seeing other persons not as the world sees them and not even as they seem themselves, but as they truly are.
The bene of this phrase is a mysterious reality and one which should make anyone who says or hears it question its nature. This ‘good’ is intimately close and absolute, unchanging across times and cultures. When someone says that they want the good for someone else, then, he seems to mean that he desires that the other will always recognize and choose
the good. Whether he does this or not, the speaker stands firm in his position that he will always love the other, no matter their place in life or the decisions that led to that position.
This is my understanding of a true friendship. The friend will always look at that special equal with the eyes of respect and love. A true friend seems to be the best way that human persons can embrace the two truths about their nature; when a friend looks at a friend, he should see at once that he is made in the image and likeness of God and is
therefore very good and that he is "dust and to dust he will return."
Our modern English use of the word friend comes from the Middle English usage frend. Etymologists say that this older usage is akin to the Old English fr‘on, meaning to love and fr‘o, meaning free. The notion of friendship,
then, cannot be separated from love and freedom. Let us not confuse this occupation with love and freedom with the modern understanding of "free love." This phrase confuses both true love as that which desires to bind itself to someone and true freedom as that responsibility to do the good. Free love, in the modern conception, is an uninhibited release of emotion and hormonal
stimuli, as opposed to the freedom to volere bene.
A friend makes the other recognize the unrepeatable identity that he can offer to God and to the world. At the same time, the friend sees himself as a helper for his partner in this short examination of life. The friend knows that the other will fail and fail often. This fact does not disturb or discourage the friend because he knows that he is just as
capable of the same level of incompetence or malice. When one thinks, speaks or acts rightly, his friend is encouraged and is reminded of his own ability to act in the same way. When one thinks, speaks or acts wrongly, his friend sees his own shortcomings and prudentially offers a helping hand.
One of the other indications of a true friendship that has helped me discern who my true friends are comes from Dr. Jordan Peterson. He says that when someone tells his true friend some good thing that happened to him, his friend will celebrate with him and will not bring up some good thing that happened to him and make his friend feel like this good
experience is merely a common occurrence in his own life. In the same way, when one tells his friend something bad that happened to him, his friend will listen and will not attempt to solve all his problems with a few statements that he just knows his friend has been desperately needing to hear.
It would be silly to suggest that all of these notions of friendship that I have been describing are in any way novel or unique; they have all been tested through the rigors of tradition by persons who have thought about and lived out these friendships. As we know, some of the most revealing parts of one’s life can be during times of suffering. One
17th century poet named Jean de Rotrou wrote "L'ami qui souffre seul fait une injure a l'autre", meaning "the friend who suffers alone insults the other." Rotrou, who lived through the French plague of 1650, experienced the meanings of friendship and suffering in light of his own death, that point in life when persons see things as they truly are.
This imperative to see our current experiences through the light of tradition, then, is especially important in our own age. When the implications of modernism and the Marxism that came from it can be seen most clearly, we need to look back to the silent teachers of history for guidance on how to forge the paths of our personal relationships. In our
hyper-individualized society, we need to intentionally recognize and embrace the merit of true friendships as those relationships which strengthen us in light of adversity and, perhaps more importantly, vivify the friend in times of joy and sorrow.
Read other articles by Harry Scherer
What is friendship?
Angela Guiao
Class of 2021
When I was younger, I moved around a lot. I enrolled in six different schools before I even reached high school. This meant having to learn how to make friends pretty quickly. I used to consider myself lucky if I had the same group of friends for two school years in a row.
Summers made having friends even harder. Without the excuse of school, I had no way of seeing any of my friends. And we didn’t have a house to invite them to. Eventually, I used summer as an excuse to slowly drift away from some of my close friendships. As a result, I never knew what needed to be done to maintain friendships.
Sometimes, I’d see videos of elderly best friends having breakfast or going on friend dates together. I used to wonder whether I’d ever have a friend like that, one that I’d still hang out with when we’re older. Or if I’d ever find a friend who’d understand me so well, they wouldn’t mind a few summers apart.
My freshman year of high school, I met Luis. We kind of stumbled upon each other because of mutual friends, but we sort of just clicked. My mom had promised that I would stay in one high school for all four years, so I was excited when I found out how much we had in common. At first, we’d just have lunch together. Eventually, we were walking each other
to class. Then we started to hang out after class. For the next four years, we’d become the best of friends. We spent every minute together, in fact, we spent so much time together that people thought we were dating.
But we weren’t.
I grew up Catholic. Roman catholic, in fact. My mom was very religious, and at the time the beginnings of the LGTBQ movement were just starting to form. Luis was gay but hadn’t come out yet. We both came from working class families, and both our parents were first generation immigrants. We had a lot in common, and we had the same struggles. The only
thing that could possibly break us apart was the fact that he was gay and that I was Catholic.
Luis finally came out during our Junior year. He didn’t change much. It wasn’t like how it’s portrayed in the movies. He just became less stressed, happier even. He spoke more freely, moved more openly. I was happy for him.
By this time, we had been friends for 3 years. He and my mom had gotten pretty close. So close in fact, sometimes he’d go to her whenever he had a problem. It was really important for him to come out to her.
So, one day after school, he waited for me after tennis practice and drove me home. He bought a bouquet of my mom’s favorite flowers, and we waited until she got home from work. I remember how nervous he was, and how I sat on the couch wondering what I would do if my mom said we couldn’t be friends anymore. In church, I’d hear some people talking about
"praying the gay away", and I wondered whether that would be what she would do.
When she finally got home, Luis sat her down and told her.
There was pause. A long one. For a second I wasn’t sure whether she was going to scream or cry or laugh. It seemed like everyone was holding their breath, just waiting for her to say something.
And when she finally did speak, she said "’Love each other as I have loved you.’ That is what God says. So that is what I’ll do." And she gave Luis a big hug, and Luis cried. Just like in the movies.
Being friends with Luis taught me what it was like to love unconditionally, for no reason at all. I love my mom unconditionally. I love my family unconditionally. But there is something special about unconditionally loving someone who comes suddenly into your life, with no connection at all. After Luis, I decided to love everyone I meet. Not the way
you’d love your spouse, but the way you’d love your parents. Be open, be clear. Love fully despite the flaws, despite their wrongdoings. Forgive, understand, put in the effort.
What started as a simple lunchtime friendship is now an eight-year companionship and still going strong. Luis has been there for every single milestone in my life, from when I first started driving to when I finally decided on my major. He found a good paying full time job and has recently started taking classes at night. He is the most hardworking
person I have ever met.
These days, when I think of friendship, I think of Luis. I think about how he still texts me every single day to complain about the weather. I think of how every single Valentine’s Day he sends me flowers, and how every birthday, he’ll scrape together enough money to take me out on a date.
I think about how much effort he puts into our friendship, and it makes me wonder how many friendships I’d have like Luis’s if I had only put in more effort.
A few days ago, I asked my mom why she didn’t send Luis away when he came out to her. And she said, "I’ve always been a good mom to you, right? I always try to give you everything you need. And I always try to give you the best that I can give you. You needed a friend, and I knew Luis would be the best friend for you."
I am eternally grateful to have a friend like Luis. He taught me to love no matter the background, no matter the disagreements, no matter the differences. He understood me, and he makes an effort every day to show me how important I am to him. He’s taught me so much. All I can hope for now, is that one day I’d be as good a friend to others as he is to
me.
Read other articles by Angela Guiao
Friendship and love
Morgan Rooney
MSMU Class of 2020
"Man is by nature a social animal; an individual who is unsocial naturally and not accidentally is either beneath our notice or more than human." - Aristotle
While attending Mount St. Mary’s University, all students are required to take at least two philosophy courses. I was not fond of the idea at first, but now I believe they could be the most valuable courses I have ever taken. Even if you do not agree with a philosopher, it is only possible to disprove them by logic. This power we have to think like we
do is something that is exclusively human. No other animal, to our knowledge, is able to do this in the same way as us.
This quote that I mentioned on the social nature of man is one that I will never forget. I sat in my classical philosophy class. It was not the happiest time of my life because I didn’t feel fulfilled with my college experience. I enjoyed the courses, but I lacked the social life I believed that I would have at that point in my life. As an introvert, I
like to be alone, but being lonely is a much different experience.
The lesson we were going over in classical philosophy was on the purpose of a human and what makes man thrive. The point I remember was that quote exactly. Man is a social being by nature. But I do not think Aristotle was referring to friendly small talk and short encounters with others. I interpreted it as a human need for love and friendship, just as
we have needs for food and water.
They say that friends are the family we choose. However, I don’t feel like my friends are people that I personally picked out like I would from a catalog. Choice certainly has an influence on how long and how deep the friendship is, but it is not how one sparks.
Each friendship I have has a different origin story. The first close friend I ever had, I met in second grade. We were in our PE class and needed to find a partner for a limbo competition. Both of us had a shy nature and were left without a partner, so we were paired together. Next we got in a line and were asked to hold hands. Once we got to the
front, we did our best limbo and went to the back of the line. We didn’t come anywhere close to winning the contest, but that was the day that I met my best childhood friend. I don’t feel like I chose her. Instead, we wound up in that situation by our very natures.
With my other close friendships, there was something similar about us or how we felt. Some started with a common disliking for someone or something. I met a good friend in the 7th grade after I was put in a reading class because I was one point away from being commended on my state test. I was extremely irritated about it at the time, because it kept
me from being able to start taking foreign language which was a great interest of mine.
When I was in this class, I quickly bonded with the girl who sat across from me over the fact that the teacher would snap at the students for such ridiculous reasons. She called me up to her desk one day to sign a paper and scolded me after I asked if I could use the pen on her desk. Another day she yelled about how I was unengaged and didn’t
appreciate her class because I yawned (it was 8 a.m.). My new friend had similar experiences and we sparked a friendship over our deep want to get out of this class with such a high strung teacher.
I know this for certain: I didn’t choose my friends. I only chose to keep them.
I believe that friendship is the most powerful relationship you can have. Even if you’ve been married to your spouse for many years, without friendship it would have been a much bumpier road. When going to a family reunion, if you’re anything like me, you would end up spending more time around the family members that you enjoy and have fun with rather
than the ones who don’t stop spewing out their opposing political views that you never asked about. You can see where the stronger friendships within your family are, even though you love and care about everybody.
While I was in college, I met someone who I would definitely consider to be my best friend, and that’s exactly how it started. After clicking at the very beginning, we quickly became close friends over similar interests and gradually grew closer over the past few years. I was always told that I should marry my best friend, and I am glad that time is
finally approaching, even in the midst of a worldwide pandemic. With every friendship comes love, and with every love comes a friendship. Finding that special combination is extremely valuable and should not be given up. I would not change anything for the world.
As much as the romantic love that everyone knows is important, it is the friendship aspect of the relationship that keeps things going. After being uncertain about so many things for so long, it’s nice to finally have something that I’m sure about. I will always strive to strengthen our friendship, and I will live as long as I can with my best friend
by my side.
Don’t forget to remember your friendships at the end of this month. Whether or not your friend is still with you or you’ve faded apart, they’ve helped to mold you into the person you are today. Wherever you are in life, you wouldn’t be the same person without your friends who help mold you into your unique self.
Read other articles by Morgan Rooney
Read Past Editions of Four Years at the Mount
