November 2024
This month, our writers to reflect on the spouses of veteran.
Life at home
Cameron Madden
MSMU Class of 2028
A lot of the focus on modern conversation on warfare goes towards the poor souls that are directly a part of the fighting, and are actively thrown into combat, or in the logistics operations and high-ranking military staff that make the war happen. Besides the conclusion however, where these soldiers are finally able to return to civilian life, little is noted outside of the civilian side of military personnel.
You are probably familiar with stories of veterans suffering after a war from either physical or mental altercations that they caught from fighting. Along with these stories, you get common tales of veterans being dissociated with civilian life, leading to depression and disparagement from who they were; not to mention all the hardships suffered from either disrespect or lack of assistance from their government.
If one were to think back on a specifically bad time for veterans, then most Americans would point to the Vietnam era, where soldiers fought in a losing war suffering horrific casualties only to come home to people who hated them for fighting a war they didn’t want to be a part of. Before this time, veterans were highly esteemed for their services to their country and freedom, but due to contested politics that flipped during the late 60s-70s, those who came back from Vietnam were not treated as such.
During the Vietnam War, a more personal story was brewing, one, which like many today, is still ignored. As my grandpa went into the military (thankfully not deployed but still stationed,) he had to leave his fiance, my grandma, at home, waiting for his return. My grandma’s story shares a similar sentiment to millions of other stories underrepresented in the media today: the hardships faced by military spouses or loved ones while their loved one is deployed.
It might seem odd to some people out there; after all the hardships of being under gunfire and being surrounded by death seems to be one of the worst things someone can be subjected to. Yet having to live with the possibility that your loved one is in that situation every day, or even worse that they have perished from it, is certainly its own kind of torment. My Grandma, tough as she is, had a very hard time worrying about my Grandad during this time. Even though he wasn’t deployed, there was always the possibility that one day he could be dragged to the jungles of Vietnam, and all it would take is a single decision to send him there.
The dread, as she had told me, was on some days too much for her to handle; she says however, that once a cigarette was in her hands at the time then she would not feel so bad, so there is that at least! You see, the two of them had been dating since they were thirteen years old, meaning that they had years of life experience together, and have pretty much been the only ones for one another at this point. So when he had to leave and be stationed away, it was like she was missing part of herself while he was gone. The worry that he would be deployed into Vietnam made it so that any letter he would send back would entail a sense of tragedy, as any notice could be an indicator that he would be off to war, and worse that it could be the last of his letters to her.
Growing up as a young adult now out of high school, and with the love of her life off hundreds of miles away with the potential to be sent further, my Grandma had to step up and live for herself in the meantime, preparing to one day reunite with my Grandfather. As it turns out, it was a lot more different than how one might have hoped it would have gone. She had to work as a waitress or whatever jobs would accept her during that time so that she can have some money on her own, while also living with her parents for most of the time; spending whatever nights that she was not with her parents at friends houses. It turns out that living for an extended period of time in a household that she was never to fond of made my Grandma extremely busy and tired, seeing as she would work hard at work and come home to a stressful family environment, all the while worrying about the love of her life and wondering what he is up to during the time.
While waiting for my Grandpa to return, every one of her friends were getting married to the love of their lives, and moving into homes together and starting families. My Grandma recounts that about a year in of my Grandpa being in the military, her best friend had gotten married, bought a house, and was even pregnant, all the while she was working a 9-5 at a diner living at her parents house hoping her fiancé wouldn’t be sent to the frontlines. This odd reality was something she would have to live with for two and a half years, and everyday she says that she had missed him.
I think that it is important to discuss what my Grandma had to go through, since she had to give up a lot of progress in her life, watch everyone else around her move on, and worry everyday about the person she had to do all this for. Seeing that her story, of a woman waiting for her husband or soon-to-be in war is one repeated in every decade, by millions of people not only in the United States, but across the world, is something to admire and appreciate. How grateful it is to have someone care so much that they will halt their life to wait for you, even if you might not come back. Maybe we can appreciate veterans more by giving praise to their wonderful spouses that not only encouraged them to push on, but to come back!
Read other articles by Cameron Madden
Love and war
Gracie Smith
MSMU Class of 2027
As someone who has studied the art of war for years now, one thing that I can confirm is that always being taken for granted, misunderstood, and often neglected, is the truth about all of those who fought. Historians, teachers, students, and history enthusiasts alike often focus on the aspects of soldiers. Their lives, operations, plans, treaties, you name it, and it was studied. However, what about those who were left behind? What about those fighting the same battle, but on the home front? Supporting each other from different ends of the Earth whilst not knowing the condition, situation, or health of the other. That is a whole different kind of war.
I had the privilege of speaking with locals in the area about their experiences during war and what impacts they had on their relationship. I hope their experiences will expand your horizons when it comes to our history. I hope you appreciate everything this strong couple went through as much as I do. Perhaps, more appealing to my younger audience, you will gain a sense of what it is truly like to be in a long-distance relationship, more specifically one where you don’t know if you’ll see your other half again. That being said, allow me to share their story.
Mrs. Davis, of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, had been married to her husband, Mr. Davis, for 3 years when he was drafted to fight in Vietnam. Out of respect and for privacy reasons, I will not release their first names. When asked what their initial reaction to Mr. Davis being drafted was, they both replied rather dimly, saying that "it was a shock, even though we’d both expected it". Mrs. Davis had been prepared to provide for herself, however, she’d not been prepared to live by herself. She recounts that it was hard, when Mr. Davis first left for boot camp. She calls this their "trial run" even though they didn’t have a choice in how they continued. She said their "trial run" went smoothly, but what differentiated it from Mr. Davis’ actual employment was that she didn’t know if he’d come back. Imagine having to go through your day not knowing what was going on. Not having a clue where your spouse was—whether they were still alive or not.
Mrs. Davis wrote several letters to him, first daily then weekly. She began by updating him on the small things: when she went to the market, what was going on in town, how her parents were doing. Then, as time progressed, her letters became shorter, more composed of her affections towards him, motivating him to keep pushing forward. She admits that not all of her letters were able to be sent and would come back to her in big bold letters saying, "RETURN TO SENDER". This scared her greatly as she thought something had happened to her husband. During that time, it would take several weeks to be able to communicate with one another. She admits that there was one instance where she thought something had in fact happened to him when all her letters in one week had been sent back to her. Mrs. Davis smiled when she said it was because she had filled out the envelope incorrectly. She said that writing letters was a way to help herself know "he
wasn’t that far away", and it was a way for her to cope with him being gone. When I asked what Mr. Davis thought of the letters he responded simply, "I kept every one".
When asked what her biggest hardship was, Mrs. Davis replied rather comically, "I didn’t have anyone to help with the housework. Changing the lights, repainting the wall in the parlor, hanging the new curtains," her expressions got lighter as she reminisced, "I had to learn to be my own husband for a period of time". This is something that a lot of people take for granted, the fact that the gender roles between men and women were so distinguished, no one really thought of who would take the place of the man in the household until it was a present problem. As a historian in the making, I can confirm that Mrs. Davis was not the only wife to experience this. Thousands of wives across the country were having to take on multiple, foreign, tasks that were typically done by the male in the house. Not only did wives have to adjust to this, but the eldest sons were also commonly molded to take these positions in the household and care for the mother
and younger siblings.
Sacrifices were made by everyone during times of war, even if we don’t acknowledge it, Mrs. Davis claims that she sacrificed very little in comparison to her husband who came back from the war with substantial, but survivable injuries. Admittedly a very stubborn person, Mrs. Davis affirmed that she had hardly any efforts to do in the war. However, as a writer I want to make it known that her efforts were just as great as her husband’s. Staying strong for him, supporting herself and taking care of her house whilst working a job to pay the bills was, and still is, such an accomplishment. Mrs. Davis, please give yourself more credit, it is much deserved!
All of this to say, through Mrs. Davis’ experiences, we get just a glance at what thousands of wives, girlfriends, fiancés, and mothers had to go through when war broke out. Not only were our brave soldiers off fighting for our nation, but the women in the homeland were supporting from within; supporting our small towns and businesses, supporting children and their education, supporting the household and the homes our soldiers came back to, and more importantly each other. Mr. and Mrs. Davis are just one couple who had to adapt new skills for the sake of the other. Their relationship was stretched nearly 9,000 miles, but it never broke.
Read other articles by Gracie Smith
The other half of the hero
Devin Owen
MSMU Class of 2026
We often do not take into consideration the other half of the lives in which veterans live. We hear the stories and honor the hard work, dedication, and lives lost through battles and wars, but what about those left behind at home? We honor veterans also for the sacrifices they had to make, but they were not the only ones making sacrifices for the good of their country. The wives and children of veterans also made certain sacrifices.
During Mount’s Fall Break, I had the opportunity to go home and talk with my family about their own experiences. If you have been a reader of my articles prior to this one, you may know that my grandfather served in the Vietnam war. He recently passed in December 2022. As many good things as I have to say about my grandfather, I can unfortunately also say that he and I did not have as close of a relationship as I do with my grandmother.
When I brought up the topic of what sacrifices had to be made during Grandpop’s time away to my grandmother, she said that this is a topic that is incredibly hard to talk about, and that it was also a time that she doesn’t like to look back on. Nobody talks about the hardships that the families of veterans have to face once they leave. Sometimes the distance tears you apart and sometimes you don’t know who will be returning to you. In part, it’s a portion of your heart walking away and you’re unsure of when, or if, they will be coming back. It is also your partner leaving for long periods of time, putting one in the position of taking on the reality of life’s hardships alone.
It’s important to note that war changes people; the person who left may not be who returns to you. Not only were lives lost, but so were limbs, mobility and other areas of physical health that took a huge blow. Not to mention the toll it takes on mental health. My grandfather spent the rest of his life living with his PTSD and while it was manageable, it wasn’t ever ‘pretty.’ So, when I say that you don’t always know the person returning to you, it’s because war fundamentally changes people in numerous ways.
In a discussion with my mother over Fall Break I had asked her, "What was your childhood like when Grandpop was gone during the war?" It was a hard question for her to even answer. She had looked at me for a moment, in thought, and then responded, "Honestly Dev, I couldn’t tell you. I don’t remember much about that time. I didn’t see Grandpop or really even know him for a good portion of my childhood." Frankly, I was completely taken aback—what did she mean that she didn’t know him? She speaks of Grandpop in such a loving and revered way that I couldn’t fathom how she couldn’t have known him. It makes sense though when you think about it; my mom was born in 1969, and the war was still a few years prior to being over. Between my grandfather’s tours as a paratrooper and his job as a tugboat captain, he sacrificed a lot of time with his kids and wife, and he lost out on the opportunity to create a strong bond with them.
Consider the concept of ‘skin-to-skin contact,’ it’s a form of bonding between mother and child. In recent years, it has also become more common upon fathers and their newborns. Given that my grandpop served numerous tours as a paratrooper in Vietnam, he wasn’t home to have these kinds of bonding experiences. As my mother said, "I spent the whole first year of my life without my father. We didn’t get to have that bonding experience and form that comfort with one another. When he came back, he was essentially a stranger to me and that period of adjustment was hard for everybody." Not only was he gone so much because of the war, but he was also a tugboat captain, so he’d be gone from home due to this as well. So, once he was home from the war, it was still difficult to form a relationship with him because "once I started to get to know him, he’d be gone again for work."
My mom and my uncle were Irish twins, meaning they were born not even a year apart. So, within the time that my mom was an infant, my grandfather had come home for a period for "R&R" and then when he left again for another tour, my grandmother was pregnant with my uncle. My grandmother spent years as a single mother essentially. Given the circumstances, she relied heavily on her own parents to help her take care of things. She took on the brunt of the work at home, as a mother, and in her field of work, as a nurse with Beebe Hospital. As we have learned in today’s society, it is okay to ask for help, but during this period it felt as if it was harder to do so.
It is no easy feat taking on the role of both parents and the breadwinner of the household. My grandmother made numerous sacrifices in order to take care of her children and support the lifestyle in which they had. She raised two wonderful children who have gone on to raise their own children. In the midst of all of the chaos of their lives, she sacrificed her own happiness and time in order to give her kids the life she believed they deserved. She has shown immense strength, determination, and perseverance all through her life. I’m beyond proud to know her and call her family. It takes a certain kind of fortitude to stay standing after all of this, and she has done so with a gracefulness I envy.
This November, take time to honor the veterans who have made sacrifices for love of country. But also, take a moment to honor the spouses and children still at home who have made sacrifices for love of country AND for love of their partner. It takes a special kind of resilience to be able to make the sacrifices my grandmother—and many other military spouses—have made over the years.
Read other articles by Devin Owen
Holding down the home front
Dolores Hans
MSMU class of 2025
Where graceful adaptability and loyalty meet the inevitability of despondency and tribulation is a woman. This woman has looked into the future and without fear has consented to its unpredictable nature. You may ask why a woman would make this choice, and to this question I respond: love. And what is a woman if not love? In the name of this love, this woman has decided to live a life that faces nothing less than the most extreme ebbs and flows that can be offered in this world. Love is a communion, an unbreakable bond, expressed through self-sacrifice, understanding, and affection. How is love sustainable when there are thousands of miles between the two, or when every good moment can be interrupted by one being called away to face danger. This is the life of a veteran’s wife.
"As a girl I always planned what my marriage would look like. Beginning and ending our day together, taking the kids to church, being able to count on my husband's presence each day. When I met [my husband] those plans were uprooted and new plans had to be made. But I wouldn’t want it any different because sharing a love with him makes it all worth it".
There is a weight that comes with having a husband who has served, and therefore could serve again, that impacts every aspect of your being. Physically, being alone for an extended period of time, and knowing that the possibility of going through pregnancy or raising a child mostly without that constant presence of a partner can be daunting. Emotionally, it is often up to the wife to support her husband’s mental health and social wellbeing. Being a rock for someone else takes a toll on your own psychological health.
"I often have to prompt him to share his feelings with me, as he is not used to someone else being dependent on his state of mind as a wife is to her husband".
Being a military wife is having a lot of stuff thrown at you and having to just take it. There is no other option. Every family struggles in some type of way. Great or small, no trial can be overlooked. One of the struggles that takes place is the unpredictability of it all. Deployments, trainings, random jobs and duties, all remove your spouse from your reach.
"When we were dating, he would be away for maybe one to two weeks of each month, or sometimes even longer. I remember my friends thinking it was adorable when they saw me writing letters to him, how romantic and movie-like it was. But it wasn’t like it is in the movies. It is a lot of hardship."
The hardest part of being the wife of a soldier is the goodbyes. Sometimes they were long and sad, and sometimes they were so quick that it wasn’t even fully processed. You really learn to cherish your spouse and take advantage of time. It is the memories that keep you going. In the average marriage, there are many certainties. Falling asleep in the same bed, sharing meals together, going on dates and adventures, celebrating anniversaries and birthdays and holidays, and communication. When you have a husband in the military, quite often you fall asleep alone, eat alone or experience the struggle of preparing and cleaning a meal with no support, you miss out on certain events because you don’t want to attend without your spouse, and so many special days are left uncelebrated. There are no certainties except that hope and faith are important, and there are no expectations except the unexpected.
"All of these struggles take a toll, but there is no better feeling in the world than when he returned home to me and we embraced like we were able to breathe again, and I became whole again."
While our veterans have sacrificed so much for us, let’s not forget those who have sacrificed as well to support them and give them a life worthy of coming home to. Those who serve dream of home, and those who love them dream of their home coming back to them.
"My dad was my hero when I was young because he served in the army for quite some time. But now that I am older, and I am a military wife, my mom is my hero. She saved my childhood, she saved my home, and she saved my dad. And I will never forget that."
This month, take the time to honor the veterans you know, and in the same breath, honor their wives. The ones who hold down the home front. The ones who give their husbands something worth fighting for. The ones whose goodness keep them going and keeps them in comfort as they face the terror of war. The ones who hold them when they return, provide them with a feeling of safety, allow them to really live as opposed to just surviving. Veterans’ wives are advocates. Veterans' wives are nurturers. Veterans’ wives are soldiers fighting a battle to make the most of a life that is working against them, and going it with their hearts wide open.
Read other articles by Dolores Hans
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