Mary Angel

(9/2023) What an interesting phrase, look at the bright side! At first glance this is an uplifting, supportive phrase. It is a glass is half full mentality or is it. How many of us have been in a situation where someone felt it appropriate to encourage us with this phrase and it did quite the opposite. Let’s face it, when you are in the midst of a rough time, someone telling you to look at the bright side is probably the last thing you want to hear. It is possibly the exact thing you need to do to change your perspective on your situation, but definitely not what you are in the mood to be told. It is probably only second to being told to calm down when you are frustrated. That one usually has the opposite effect.

However, looking at the bright side can completely change your outlook on life and your current situation. When it comes to our kids this phrase is no different. When they are mad, frustrated, sad, or simply blah telling them to look at the bright side will usually cause them to be even more irritated. That doesn’t mean that we can’t show them instead of telling them. Often children learn better from examples and experiences than from us telling them something outright. My youngest is an anomaly, as she thinks I am amazing and loves to spend time with me. She even listens to me like I know what I am talking about, which can be very rare between the ages of twelve and 112. Still, there have been times when she is going through a rough patch and the last thing I should do is tell her to look at the bright side of things. Showing her and coming along side of her instead of preaching to her is a completely different story.

She recently when on a mission’s trip, with her youth group, to work in a city cleaning up parks, helping with children’s camps, etc. She did this for the first-time last year, and although she is very introverted and not a city girl, she ended up loving it. This year when they went on one of their site visits their vans were broken into, windows smashed, and personal belongings stolen. For a bunch of country girls, it was quite a scary experience. There were a lot of tears, confusion, fear and anxiety. Their leaders were wonderful as they assessed the situation and calmed the girls, while contacting the police and the mission’s oversite organization. Everyone involved jumped into high gear. While the leaders waited for the police, other churches on the same trip sent transportation to bring the girls back to campus, other leaders volunteered to stay with our group while their leaders were handing details with the police and the van rental company. Our pastors drove to the campus to assess the situation and talk to the girls. All in all it was handled beautifully, considering the situation.

No one, however, said "look at the bright side", because when you are n the thick of it who wants to or is capable of looking at the bright side. The bright side of course was that everyone was okay, everything that was taken could be replaced, and in the scheme of life this was a little bump in the road. When I first spoke to my daughter, she was in tears standing next to two vans with the windows smashed in, her friends belongings missing (she had only brought what she could carry with her that day), and everyone around her crying hysterically. They all just wanted to come home. After a few hours she called me again to tell me they all decided they weren’t going to let something like this stop them from doing what they were there to do!

Did this mean that they were all "looking at the bright side", absolutely not. They had simply made a decision that this one occurrence was not going to deter them from what they set out to do. So, they stuck it out, through a few more bumps in the road and made some lifelong memories. Memories that would not have been possible if they hadn’t stuck with it. Luckily, I knew better than to use the phrase "look at the bright side" when the tearful teenager called me in the heat of the moment.

Now that they have all been home for a couple months, and things have settled down, my daughter still has anxiety attacks when we go to a city of any kind. She is convinced if we leave the car someone will smash the windows. The more we take her places, leave the car, and come out to find it in one piece the less anxiety she has.

We often go for drives because she wants to talk, and I take any opportunity I can to remind her that there is always someone worse off than her and things could certainly be worse. We discuss good and bad situations and how to handle them. We discuss mistakes each of us have made in the handling of turmoil. I want her to "look at the bright side" out of habit, not because someone told her too, but also want her to be as prepared as she can be for the unexpected. I think this is a life skill that can be invaluable to anyone, but especially teenagers in the world we are living in today. When times get rough and rocky, and they will, being able to count their blessings could go a long way in helping them cope with these bad situations. However, that isn’t always enough.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we are suck into our own personal black hole of sadness and melancholy. This is when it can be helpful to have someone to talk to, someone to help you through. This may come in the form of a friend, a coworker, a mentor, or a professional. There may be times in life when our kids need to talk to someone who knows more about how the mind works than we do. After the trip, many of the girls had horrible nightmares. When that happens and they just can’t seem to move past a traumatizing experience, it is super important that they realize it is okay to ask for help.

It is just as important for us to advocate or them and the help they may need. After all, as mom’s we should be our kid’s biggest cheerleader and biggest advocate. When they know that we support their need to get professional help it will make it seem that much more normal to them. My hope is that I am doing my best to raise her to be an adult who can handle the curve balls life will throw at her, but will also know when to ask for help when the curve ball smacked her right in the face!

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