Mary Angel

(7/2023) The other day I am talking to a friend who is a bit further along in the child rearing game than I am. Actually her kids are grown, flown the nest, and beginning to have kids of their own. She had been going through a rough time and I was glad to catch up with her. I was also shocked to hear what had been going on in her life.

She had been struggling with mood swings and depression. Out of the blue, these emotions and challenges were causing great turmoil in her life. When we talked she seemed like her old self and I would have never guessed this was such a fresh scar. She went on to explain that she was short tempered, and had been biting people’s heads off for the littles of thing. There were times when she would find herself crying over a comment her husband had made a thousand times and not being sure why an innocent remark mattered so much more now. This sweet, mild mannered woman was snarky, aggressive, and sharp with her tongue. As we spoke, I needed to know why she was suddenly sharing all of this with me now.

It turns out, that after meeting with an amazing therapist she realized she had unknowingly spiraled into a season of depression in her life. Before I could even wonder what would cause this, she cautioned me not to follow in her footsteps. As she was raising her children, she was an amazing mom who was all in for her children. She cared for them well. She took them to sporting events, dance classes, helped out at their school, and was even on the PTO. She baked for every bake sale, participated in every fundraiser, including washing cars in the school parking lot. When there was a field trip that needed chaperones, she was the first to sign up. To the outside observer she was "super mom"!

She went on so many trips with her kids, the band trip to Spain, the soccer trip to Italy, and the theater club trips to New York and London, just to name a few, that she earned enough frequent flyer miles to take her daughter to cheer camp in Florida. The places she has been for her kids, I have only dreamed of visiting. I mentioned that I could only imagine all of the wonderful memories she had made with and for the kids.

How could any of this be a negative, or have led to her current struggles? As she explained, it became all too clear, and all too real to me.

She was all in for her children. No matter what they were involved in, whether dance, sports, music, scouts, church, or anything, she was there and 110 percent supportive and involved. This is an amazing characteristic for a mom, but she explained that this is all there was. Her whole life was focused her on children. Her children’s school, hobbies, friends, likes and dislikes were her identity.

Then one day her identity grew up and moved out. When they first completed college and moved out, she was overjoyed at all they had accomplished and the bright futures they each had ahead of them. The problem was they not only moved out, but they moved away. Other states, other countries, it didn’t matter because it was away and away with them went her focus and her identity.

Suddenly everything that was important to her had disappeared. Everything she did in her free time (if moms really ever have that) was gone. She finally had actual free time and didn’t know what to do with it. It wasn’t that her kids didn’t still love her, but they were busy with their own lives, jobs, significant others, etc. I grew sadder and sadder as I listened to the way she felt as time progressed. I could totally relate, as my kids are a huge focus of my life.

The cherry on top was that her husband didn’t seem to be struggling at all. He seemed fine that all of their babies had moved on and "forgotten" them. He was happy, content, and going about his regular business. The difference she came to realize was not that he didn’t miss the kids, but he hadn’t made them his entire focus. He had work, hobbies, and could frequently be found helping out with projects at church to occupy his time. When the kids left, the only thing they took from him was a piece of his heart. For my friend they took her soul. I don’t mean that to sound melodramatic, but they were everything, every waking minute was spent for them.

When she started therapy it helped her to realize the kids hadn’t left her but went to live their lives, the lives she had spent her life preparing them for. It also helped her to vocalize the hurt. She was able to tell her daughter how hurt she was when her daughter invited someone else to go on their annual antiquing trip to Virginia. Her husband was very supportive when he found out it made her bitter that he wasn’t hurting the way she was. Best of all, her kids have started making an effort to call and visit a bit more (especially the ones within driving distance).

Her warning to me hit home though. I am all in for my kids, and I know when they all move out I will be super sad. When I told my husband I could easily see this story being my very own story, he disagreed. He acknowledged that I am very devoted to the kids, but he also pointed out that in the last few years, I have started a new job, found some new hobbies, and we have started traveling together. I am hopeful he is right. I do very much enjoy my new hobby (a story for another month) and I love our day trips more than I can express, but will I survive my kids leaving is the question that keeps me up at night.

To all you moms who have nothing in your day, except what revolves around your kids, I would caution you. Find something, several somethings, a job, a hobby, time with your husband (this one is important), that you will still have when they move out. I would even dare to suggest embracing some free time, maybe take a class or join an exercise group (God knows I could use this). Do something that is for you, that you enjoy, and do it on a regular basis. This isn’t a one and done kind of thing. This is a lifestyle change. Trust me when I tell you it is a change that will not only benefit you when the kids move out, but can build your relationship now and in the future. They need to see that it is okay to take time for your own mental health and wellbeing!

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