Mary Angel

(11/2024) The other day some of my mom friends and I were talking, and I came to a realization that maybe I am not alone. It seems that each of us has a child that likes to push their boundaries a little more than the others. This child is an amazing joy, and then suddenly you are looking haggard by the end of the day, wondering if you would pull your own hair out.

For me this was my daughter. From the minute she was born she was a spit fire. She was independent, spunky, and a bit sassy. We chalked it up to her being the first girl in a household of boys. As a toddler she had no fear and would jump into the deep end of any pool, ride her tricycle as fast as she could down the driveway, and she would even try and get her older, larger brothers to wrestle with her any chance she could. She was a wild child from the word go!

When she was in elementary school she was bullied to the point of depression, although I have discussed that in a previous story, so we decided to homeschool her. She was in fourth grade, and this is when I started spending day in and day out with her. She was very behind and after some evaluations from the school system, we were told she had a learning disorder and teaching her English/language arts was going to be slow going and challenging. She challenged me every step of the way. Whether she was hiding her schoolwork, or not studying for a test, or trying to convince me why she shouldn’t have to take a quiz, she was always testing me.

As she entered middle school, she started dating what I thought was a sweet, innocent boy. I later found out he was not good for her and had many issues of his own. He would manipulate her and then explain how horrible his home life was, and she would feel sorry for him and cave. Soon after this relationship began, I suspected she had a savior complex and wanted to help those she felt needed help. This led to teenage years of conflict, bad choices and arguments. They broke up and got back together several times, and each time she would find out what a liar and manipulative person he was, and she would break up with him.

From here she moved onto another user and began sneaking around. This is when I discovered the fine art of biting my tongue, she was a high school graduate after all. There is a fine line between discipline and driving your child away. Some might not agree with this, as I have some friends who believe in "it’s my way or the highway" parenting. In this case, I knew my daughter had too much of her dad’s hard-headedness. When my husband was young his parents drove away and left him sitting on a statue at a national park because he refused to leave, and his dad was convinced he would jump down as they drove away and drive after them. Much to their surprise he called their bluff and stayed right where he was. My daughter, at that age, would easily leave home and end up in a very bad situation because she is too head strong.

We had a short break from the roller coaster when she started dating a guy with whom she had a very rocky start. During their first year of dating, he would lose his temper when they had an argument and fly off the handle, saying some of the nastiest rudest things you could imagine. This was not what we thought her relationships would be like, but sad to say, it was still a huge improvement. This is when she began therapy to work through all the hurt and turmoil she had encountered and caused. Just after the first year he started seeing a therapist and things began to change. He stopped yelling and became much more caring and communicative. It isn’t that we thought some miracle had happened, but more importantly, she was in love and if this was going to continue, we loved seeing a step in the right direction.

The best part of this phase was that we noticed a change in our daughter. She started talking to us about everything. Se was happier, calmer, and so much less wild, for lack of a better word. When she would go out, it was always, "I am going here" and "I will be back at this time". This wasn’t an over night flip of a switch, but it was a noticeable and continual improvement from the age of 18 on. It was so magical that it also included a boat load of apologies and thank yous. I am sorry I didn’t listen, and I am sorry I lied, and I am sorry I was sneaky and defiant. She said she didn’t think we would ever be able to forgive her behavior, which I immediately said, "All is forgiven". Afterall, being a child is not an easy endeavor, especially when you are the wild child of the family. She may have caused a lot of sleepless nights and tears, but she was working so hard to better herself and there were noticeable changes, so forgiveness was easy to find in our hearts.

As we talked about our kids, as theirs are much younger than mine and they are only just beginning, it was a comfort to each of us to know we were not alone. Whether you have a child who just doesn’t listen, one who no consequence you hand out seems to motivate them, or one that lies or sneaks, you are not alone. There is always someone going through something similar, or maybe even worse. As mom’s we are all in this together and sometimes, we just need a reminder that is the case. We all have that group of moms that we can share the good, the bad, and the ugly with and know that it is a judge free zone. We know when we share our struggles, we will receive encouragement, a hug, and maybe even a glass of wine! If you do not have that group, find it and embrace it. Lastly, if I can in any way be an encouragement, please know we all try so hard to be the best mom we can, but our children have to choose their own path, whether we like it or not. Just know that path can change at any moment and they can turn back to you, so be ready to forgive and embrace them.

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