(2/14) Happy Valentine’s Day, welcome to all of you. I’m so thankful to have you with us today, those of you here and on the other side of computer screens everywhere. Thank you for spending time with us in the presence of the Lord today.

I want to talk to you about the topic of relationships because relationships matter to God. We see the emphasis on relationship from the very beginning, in the first book of the Bible, and if relationships matter to God, then relationships should matter to us. The Bible tells us in Philippians chapter 2,

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose" (Philippians 2:1-2).

And so, what if we were more like Jesus in our relationships?

One of the things that I love about the Bible is that even though it was written so long ago it still speaks to us today. In other words, what God brings to us through his Word is the same yesterday, today, and forever. His Word will minister to you in your singleness, it will minister to you in marriage, it will minister to you if you are widowed or divorced, and so as we begin this series Relationship Goals, I believe that the Spirit of God has a word for every single one of us.

You see, the truth is that the Bible has a lot to say about relationships, a lot to say about fellowship, intimacy, and God’s design for marriage. And so, as we turn to the Word of God, we’re going to go to the book entitled, the Song of Solomon. If you haven’t read this book before, I promise you, there are parts of it that will make you blush.

Now, I know that many of us have grown up believing that we’re supposed to tiptoe around subjects like sex, attraction, and desire, but as we go through the Word of God it becomes very clear that is not true. In fact, I believe that we as the church have made a grave mistake in making these subjects things that we don’t talk about, because we have relegated the conversation of sex, attraction, and desire to the media, movies, and marketing. And yet God created us as sexual beings, with feelings of attraction and desire, and so we need to understand these topics according to God’s purpose, because God created us with feelings of attraction and desire which draw us to one another in deeper relationships. And so, our feelings about the opposite sex are important because they are intended to grow and increase until they manifest themselves in intimacy within the prescribed boundaries of a loving healthy marriage relationship.

The problem is that within many Christian circles today, we’ve taken the gifts that God gave us for cultivating the most intimate of our relationships and we have made those topics unmentionable. We have silenced that conversation and we’ve allowed our spiritual enemy to twist and pervert physical attraction, desire, love, and sex, as if God were looking down from heaven in shock saying, "Oh no, what are they doing now?" And so, we need to understand that God created sex, attraction, and desire as gifts for us, and as followers of Christ we can be holy, righteous, and sexual within the safe boundaries of marriage. In other words, physical attraction, love and sex, our not just for procreation, but they’re also for recreation within the prescribed boundaries, and that’s why the Bible says,

"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral" (Hebrews 13:4).

As we come to the Song of Solomon, we’re going to get a glimpse of this couple as they passionately pursue one another in the intimacy of the marriage relationship, and I want to draw your attention to their sensitivity for each other’s feelings. But before we dive in, I want to give you a little bit of context. This is a love story between a man and a woman that was written about 1000 years before Jesus was born. Traditionally, Jewish rabbis have understood the Song of Solomon as a eulogy on human love and the proper application of sex within the boundaries of marriage. Now, others have believed it to be an allegory of God’s love for Israel or Christ’s love for the Church, but I prefer the traditional approach of taking it at face value.

Turning to the Word of God in the Song of Solomon, chapter 1, the Bible says,

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth. "For your love is more delightful than wine" (Song of Solomon 1:2).

Now, we need to understand that this is more than just ancient poetry, this is the Spirit breathed, Word of God. And I know it starts out kind of crazy, and it sounds more like a soap opera than it does the Bible, but this is the Word of God. And so, this is an exciting start, we’ve only read one verse as we’re eavesdropping on this anointed love letter, and already some of you are really uncomfortable because there is the mention of both kissing and wine in church, but this is holy, this is the Word of God.

Now, we’re not going to get very far into this text today, but if you read this on your own this week, you will discover that this young woman is one of the most positive representations of womanhood in the Old Testament. This young woman who is not from the palace, and is only identified in the text as the Shulammite, is given the voice of priority by King Solomon. She is honored in this love letter, and the text describes their journey in this blossoming romance.

Even though little is known about her, what we do know is that Solomon is enamored by her and she by him. And so, as we continue in verse 3, she makes this statement,

"Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you! Take me away with you — let us hurry!

Let the king bring me into his chambers" (Song of Solomon 1:3-4).

And so, there is a sense of passion and urgency, and she says, not only is he pleasing to smell but, "Your name is like this rare, expensive, perfumed oil." And then, just as if her girlfriends were with her, she says,

"We rejoice and delight in you; we will praise your love more than wine. How right they are to adore you!" (Song of Solomon 1:4).

With that introduction to this text, I want you to understand that Bible scholars believe this couple is now looking back on their marriage. In other words, they are reminiscing, they’re married, and they’re reflecting on their relationship. They’re remembering how they got to know one another, opening up to each other about their insecurities, and how they loved one another through those insecurities to a position of trust.

This is revolutionary, because it shows us that God cares about our feelings for one another, but this goes even deeper, showing us that God cares about our feelings of attraction for others. And so, it’s okay to be attracted to another believer of the opposite sex, to desire somebody who loves Jesus, and to have feelings for somebody within biblical parameters of holiness, safety, and security. In other words, God wants us to be comfortable in our sexuality, because this is God’s holy Word, and in this passage, God is giving us a glimpse of what it looks like to love well and do right in our closest and most intimate of relationships.

It’s important to note that physical attraction is good because that’s the way that God created us. We see this from the very beginning of the Bible when God created woman and brought her to the man. Genesis chapter 2 tells us that God presented Eve to Adam in her birthday suit and there is nothing wrong with that because this was their wedding day. God the Father was presenting Eve to be Adam’s bride and I want you to notice his response.

"This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman’" (Genesis 2:23).

In other words, from the inside to the outside Adam found her to be attractive, she was beautiful, and she was just like him. And so, God brought her to Adam, he presented her to him, she’s standing right there, she wasn’t hiding anything, and he’s like, "Adam, what do you think?" And so, Adam is looking at Eve in all of her glory and he’s like, "Wow!" She’s just like me and so he said, "She shall be called woman."

Today, it’s important to note that it’s okay to be attracted to someone if they’re a believer, and if you follow through with your desire, you pursue them and you marry, there’s nothing wrong with physical attraction and sexual desire because God created it and he said it was good. God created our human sexuality and gave us our feelings of attraction, but they have gotten a bad rap because the devil came and perverted the gift of God. And so, we can bring the feelings back, we can bring the attraction back, we just need to see things and understand things in the context of God’s word.

The Bible says in second Corinthians, chapter 10,

"We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5).

You see, some of you have allowed the devil to steal your joy, to steal your intimacy, and to steal your attraction, but you’ve got to take it back because your spouse the last person to see you in your birthday suit. And I know some of you might say that there is no romance, he doesn’t bring me flowers anymore, or she doesn’t present herself to me anymore, but you can bring the attraction back as you make every thought obedient to Christ.

And honestly, maybe we could do better as spouses when it comes to relationship goals, being more attentive to our significant other, and learning how to identify what triggers romance in this season of life. In fact, let’s go back for a moment to verse 3, because I want you to see something. The woman says,

"Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes. Your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you" (Song of Solomon 1:3).

In other words, she thinks he’s hot, but I want you to notice why she thinks he’s hot. First, she says that his smell was pleasing, and so she liked his perfume, she liked that he brushed his teeth, but the things she targets, that she points out, is his name. The Hebrew word used here for name means to be etched out or to be etched in stone. And so, she mentions his name, but names were not just identifiers in that culture, names had meaning, names were prophetic, names were predictive, maybe speaking of the destiny that awaited you, or of the situation or conditions surrounding your birth or appearance.

What this woman finds attractive is his name, because his name will last forever. I believe that today we would do well to seek to discover our spouses name, not the name that was given them at birth, but the name that God has given them, that new name they are developing in this season. Jesus said it this way,

"To him who overcomes, I will give…a white stone with a new name written on it" (Revelation 2:17).

And I know there may have been other things that attracted you to your spouse or that significant other, you may have been attracted by their looks, maybe even with their bank account, but now I want to encourage you to rediscover why you are attracted to this person.

You see, a name does not fade away when it is etched in stone. And some of you may have been caught up in peripherals and maybe you were like, "I found my Boaz." Or "This is my Proverbs 31 woman." And now you’re left wondering what happened to the attraction, but have you truly sought out and given yourself enough time to discover their name? You know, the name that has been etched in stone.

I want you to notice what stands out in this passage. I want you to see what the attraction is in this relationship. This woman talks about his name, she recognizes the significance of his name, and so there is respect. She says,

"No wonder the maidens love you! (Song of Solomon 1:3).

In other words, she tells us that she was the envy of her friends, and I promise you if Jesus is first in every way in your life, it’s going to affect the way you carry yourself, it’s going to impact the way you dress, it’s going to impact the places you go and the people you hang out with. And so, great relationships aren’t so much about finding the right person as it is about becoming the right person. Pastor Andy Stanley said it this way, he says,

"Become the person that you are looking for is looking for" (Andy Stanley).

When godly character reigns in your life, your name will attract godly people, because like is going to attract like.

And so, this man that she speaks about, this is the kind of man that we want our sons to become. This is the kind of man that we want our daughters to marry. But my fear is that because of media today, many of us are looking for the wrong things. You know, many Christian women today are looking for the face, the muscles, the car, or the bank account, when the biblical standard is do they love Jesus and do they have a job. Or many Christian men are looking for the body instead of looking for single women who are genuinely chasing after Jesus, living pure lives, and doing great things for God. And so, there’s all these distractions, all of these other options, but I got a little sidetracked.

Anyway, I want to draw your attention to the confidence of this young woman. This is something beautiful because there is something attractive about confidence. In fact, if you go for a job interview or maybe you are pursuing somebody, people who exude a sense of confidence are much more likely to be chosen or get the job. And for you and me, as children of God, this is a supernatural quality that we possess, and as we nurture it, it’s not just confidence, but its confidence in God that is attractive.

I want to show you this as we continue reading, because there are parts of her body that make it difficult for her to feel desirable, and I believe this is true for many of us. In verse 5 she says,

"Dark am I, yet lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar,

like the tent curtains of Solomon" (Song of Solomon 1:5).

In other words, she is saying, "My skin is dark like the tents of Kedar," making reference to a Bedouin tribe in that area that was known for their black sheep. And so, when they would sheer the sheep, they would have wool that was black, and she was saying, "I am dark, I am black, like the tents of Kedar."

Now, for most of us this is a foreign concept, because in our culture today being tan is often thought of as being attractive. It’s a sign of being healthy and active, but in this culture, back when they were living, it was actually thought of that a woman was more beautiful when she was light-skinned, because that meant she was upper-class and didn’t have to work out in the field and the vineyards. And so, in this context, we see her insecurity about her complexion, because she says in verse 6,

"Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother's sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected" (Song of Solomon 1:6).

And so, we see here that she is very self-conscious, and she uses a reference to the vineyard not only as her job, but she says, "My own vineyard" which was her body, she said, "I have neglected." And so, she doesn’t like her skin, she feels vulnerable about this, and she is revealing her insecurities to him.

This happens in relationships when you are attracted to someone, as you spend time with them you begin to open up. Many people start with physical insecurities and then they grow in trust until they’re able to express emotional insecurities. But it almost always starts with the physical, because most of us have something about our looks that we don’t like. You know, "I wish my nose wasn’t so big, I wish I didn’t have bird legs, or I wish I wasn’t so heavy."

And we can try to cover our insecurity, cover it with clothing, cover it with makeup, but it still doesn’t give us a sense of confidence. And so, that means as followers of Jesus we need to be careful of what we say, because the Bible says,

"The tongue has the power of life and death" (Proverbs 18:21).

And so, your words can give life, or your words can speak death, your words can build up, or your words can tear down, and so we recognize this woman’s sensitivity.

Now, when someone reveals their insecurities and the other person loves them through it there is growth in that relationship, there is increasing trust, and you’re moving in the right direction. And so, I want you to watch what this woman says, in verse seven she poses the question, she is moving to the next level and she says,

"Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday. Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends? (Song of Solomon 1:7).

This is easily misunderstood if we don’t understand Old Testament culture, but it is veiled women who were prostitutes following the shepherds in the field. And what she is saying is that I am insecure, and I love you, but there are certain things I will not do for you. And so, she speaks confidently to purity and exalts the standards that we possess as the children of God. She says, "I love you, but I am not going to be like that." And so, she has higher standards, different standards from the world.

And so, in these first seven verses we see that attraction is good and ordained by God, it’s needed in good, healthy, sexual relationships. Solomon affirmed and encouraged this woman and the knowledge he shares in this song teaches us how to do relationships right. And for those of you who are men and fathers let me encourage you to make a name for yourself and choose your words wisely, because there is life and death in the tongue. And for those of you who are mothers and women, my prayer for you is that you learn to have confidence in yourself, not compromising your values, and not letting the world dictate who you are. And I pray that as you stand up secure and confident in who you are in Christ, that you will not be afraid to initiate healthy conversations, drawing boundaries, or initiating intimacy when appropriate.

Before I close, I want to address those of you who are single, and I want to remind you that you don’t have to have a significant other to be significant, your significance is not predicated on whether or not you have a ring on your finger. Getting married is not the prize for being pretty, wealthy, or holy, but each one of you have intrinsic value that God has given you. And I want to assure you that if Jesus lived a significant life without a significant other, I believe that that can give us hope, that our singleness is not a disease or a curse. But we’ve got to get this right, we’ve got to get our relationships right, because if we do not get singleness right, we will get marriage wrong. And so, we all have got to know how to do relationships right in this season.

Read Part 2

Read past sermons by Pastor John Talcott