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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to enjoy his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he was introduced to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty absolutely took his breath away!

Smitten with her beauty, handing her his business card he said, "I may look like just an ordinary man, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The gorgeous woman was Impressed and took his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Lesson:  Women are so much better at estate planning than men

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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When god first created Eve things went along quite well for a time...

... but one day Eve said, "God, It's lovely here in Eden, getting to know the animals and plants and things, but somehow I feel there's something missing. None of the animals will come into the hut, and they're too big anyway, it's like I need company or something."

"Yes…. I suppose you might have a point", God responded, and within a short while a beautiful loving dog appeared and made himself comfortable.

Eve was overjoyed, and things went along well for a while, but then she said, "…um, God, the dog's great, and I love him and all, but, well, he's got some bad habits. He rolls in the mud and comes in dirty, he's begun to fight with the other animals, and he looks pathetic if I don't feed him on time. Is there anything…?"

"Look," said God, "nothing on earth can be as perfect as you, so stop expecting too much. But, I'll see what I can do. Let's see…. Same basic design, I'm afraid, same bad habits, but this one you should be able to manipulate into bringing the food to you and supplying a few comforts. See how you get on."

That's when she made Adam

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.

He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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Bumper Stickers for Women
  • I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people
  • How can I miss you if you won't go away?
  • Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
  • If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap, and easy!
  • Don't upset me. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen!
  • If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen!
  • Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off!
  • Out of estrogen, and I have a gun!
  • Guys have feelings too but... who cares?
  • Next mood swing: 6 minutes
  • Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it!
  • Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time!
  • Do not start with me. You will not win.
  • You have the right to remain silent. So please shut up.
  • All stressed out, and no one to choke!

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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry ...

...has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
 

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How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

  1. Make sure the man is conscious.
  2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
  3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
  4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
  5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
  6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river...

... her thimble fell l into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family .

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
 

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Why men are not allowed to write advice columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

Reply

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
 

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One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby...

..., the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."

The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall...

... when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
 

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If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
  • When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
  • Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
  • Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
  • Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
  • If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
  • If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
  • Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
  • STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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What Women Want in a Man

Original List:

  1. Handsome
  2. Charming
  3. Financially successful
  4. A caring listener
  5. Witty
  6. In good shape
  7. Dresses with style
  8. Appreciates finer things
  9. Full of thoughtful surprises
  10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

  1. Nice looking
  2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
  3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
  4. Listens more than talks
  5. Laughs at my jokes
  6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
  7. Owns at least one tie
  8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
  9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
  10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

  1. Not too ugly
  2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
  3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
  4. Nods head when I'm talking
  5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
  6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
  7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
  8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
  9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
  10. Shaves most weekends

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

  1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
  2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
  3. Doesn't borrow money too often
  4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
  5. Doesn't retell the same joke too ma ny times
  6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
  7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
  8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
  9. Remembers your name on occasion
  10. Shaves some weekends

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

  1. Doesn't scare small children
  2. Remembers where bathroom is
  3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
  4. Only snores lightly when asleep
  5. Remembers why he's laughing
  6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
  7. Usually wears some clothes
  8. Likes soft foods
  9. Remembers where he left his teeth
  10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)

  1. Breathing
  2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Drugs for Women:
  • DAMNITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
  • EMPTYNESTROGEN: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
  • ST. MOMMA'S WORT:  Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
  • PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
  • DUMBEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
  • FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
  • MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
  • BUYAGRA: Injectible stimulant taken! prior t o shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
  • JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
  • ANTI-TALKSIDENTA: Spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
  • NAGAMEMT: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
 

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