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| Proof that Santa's reindeer were female.
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family,
Cervidae, to have females do so), Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every
single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen........had to be a girl.
We should've known when they were able to find their way.
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| Men one-liners
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
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Top Ten Reasons Why Santa Claus Is a Woman:
- Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
Men would refuse to have their physique described as a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings.
Men would get lost in the snow & clouds and refuse to ask for directions.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would inhibit their ability to pick up women.
All the reindeer would be dead, gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh.
And The Number One Reason Santa Claus Is a Woman......
- Christmas requires a commitment!!
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Top ten things only women understand
- Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
- The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
- Crying can be fun.
- Fat clothes.
- A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
- Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
- The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
- A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
- Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
And the number one thing only women understand:
- Other women!!!
Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
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A Women's Prayer
Dear Lord,
So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self indulgent. I have not whined, cursed or eaten any chocolate.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes and I will need a lot more
help after that.
Amen
Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
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| A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball
into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will
get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the
world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times
richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever . Don't mess with them
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| Stages of a women's life
We change as we age. Or do we? Use the following to chart the seasons of your life...
AGE- FAVORITE DRINK
17 -- Wine coolers
25 -- White wine
35 -- Red wine
48 -- Dom Perignon
66 -- Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
AGE- DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 -- Burger King
25 -- Free meal
35 -- A diamond
48 -- A bigger diamond
66 -- Home alone
AGE- FAVORITE FANTASY
17 -- Tall, dark, and handsome
25 -- Tall, dark, and handsome, with money
35 -- Tall, dark, and handsome, with money and a brain
48 -- A man with hair
66 -- A man
AGE- IDEAL DATE
17 -- He offers to pay
25 -- He pays
35 -- He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 -- He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 -- He can chew
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.
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It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the
Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he roars?
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first. It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up. It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee. It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher
from last night, and put everything away."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table. It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box
and filled the cat's water & food dish."
"And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time....,
"I haven't made the '$#@&^%' Porridge, yet!!"
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| There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came
down from Helicopter.
Ten men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying she would give up her life to save the others, because women were
used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
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Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
- God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.
- God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (It has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to
see WHAT ELSE is on.)
- God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
- God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
- God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
- God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
- As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
- Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
- As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
And the No. 1 reason of all:
- God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that."
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| In the beginning God created Eve . .
. . . And she had three breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How's everything, Eve?" he asked.
"It is all so beautiful, God." she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful... It's these three
breasts, you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes; they're a real pain."
said Eve.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six. So I figured you'd need half, but I see you are
right. I'll fix that right away!"
So God reaches down and rips the middle breast right off, tossing it in
the bushes.
Three weeks passes, and God once again visited Eve in the garden "Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" he asked. "Just fantastic" she replied, "but for one
small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animal have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create man from a part of
you! Now, let's see ... where did I leave that useless boob?"
Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
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For all men who like to send blonde jokes, it's time for
paybacks...
- How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
- Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and ask for directions.
- What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
- How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
- What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.
- Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
- How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.
- Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all have boyfriends already.
- What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
- When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
- Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
- How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
- How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
- What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
- What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.
- How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short.
- What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
- Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?
"God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?
"God says: "So she would love you.
Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
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