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| Definition of Barbecuing ... It's
the only type of cooking a "real man" will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:
- The woman goes to the store.
- The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert
- The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill,
beer in hand.
- The man places the meat on the grill.
- The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
- The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
- The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
- The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
- After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
- Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
- The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
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| One day, when a
seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a living for the two of them.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down
and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your
thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along he riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and
asked her, Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes,"
cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel
Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in
the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson." The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.
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| I've seen two shows
lately that went on about how mid-life is a great time for women ...
... Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be.... Puhleeeeeeeze!
- I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you.
- Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
- Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
- In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
- Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
- Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
- In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
- Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
- Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat
before it's no longer a healthy choice?
- But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
- We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for
the body you had way back when?
- Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, PA.
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| Dear Tech Support ... Last year I
upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 ... and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL
5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Reply from the Technical Side:
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.
If that application works as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. BUT remember, overuse of the above
application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance.
I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Md.
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If women ruled the world ...
- Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pocket.
- A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 30 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful" and "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit".
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot. For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a
two-year old for six weeks.
Submitted by Kate, Columbia, Md.
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Dear Tide: I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
In fact, about a month ago while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem and how
expensive the blouse was. One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse, as well.
I tried to get the stain out using the bargain detergent my cheap husband bought, but it just wouldn't come out. I went to the local convenience store and got a bottle of liquid Tide with
bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the police's DNA tests were negative!
I thank you, once again, for a great product!
Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Sincerely,
Recently Widowed
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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What is a Dog?
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Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
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They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
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They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
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They growl when they are not happy.
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When you want to play, they want to play.
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When you want to be alone, they want to play.
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They leave their toys everywhere.
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They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
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They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION:
They're tiny men in little fur coats.
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More Facts About Men
- Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
- All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
- Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
- Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
- Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
- Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's
another man wearing a black tuxedo."
- Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
- If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious
- If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
- The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
- Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
- No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
- When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
- Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
- Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
- Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are out retrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
- If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
- Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
- Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
- Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid
of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
- Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great. "Ruth: "I do? Must be
the lighting."
- Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network
- Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
- Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
- Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the
back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
- Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
- When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight,
he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
- Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and
drive motorcycles.
- Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
- Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
- All men would still really like to own a train set
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Facts About Men - Part 1
- Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
- Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
- Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the
team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone incase they call him.
- If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
- Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
- Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
- All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
- The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
- Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
- Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
- All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
- A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
- Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
- All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
- Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Submitted by Ericka, Fairfield, Pa.
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Signs of Menopause
- You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
- Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot
him.
- You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
- The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
- You change your underwear after every sneeze.
- You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
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The Men's Dictionary ...
- "I can't find it." - REALLY MEANS: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
- "That's women's work." - REALLY MEANS: "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
- "Will you marry me?" - REALLY MEANS: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
- "It's a guy thing." - REALLY MEANS: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
- "Can I help with dinner?" - REALLY MEANS: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
- "It would take too long to explain." - REALLY MEANS: "I have no idea how it works."
- "I'm getting more exercise lately." - REALLY MEANS: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
- "We're going to be late." - REALLY MEANS: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
- "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." - REALLY MEANS: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
- "That's interesting, dear." - REALLY MEANS: "Are you still talking?"
- "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." - REALLY MEANS: "I forgot our anniversary again."
- "It's really a good movie." - REALLY MEANS: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars and naked women."
- "You know how bad my memory is." - REALLY MEANS: " I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the VIN of every car
I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
- "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." - REALLY MEANS: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."
- "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal." - REALLY MEANS: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
- "I do help around the house." - REALLY MEANS: "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
- "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing." - REALLY MEANS: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
- "What did I do this time?" - REALLY MEANS: "What did you catch me at?"
- "I heard you." - REALLY MEANS: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
next three days yelling at me."
- "You really look terrific in that outfit." - REALLY MEANS: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
- "I brought you a present." - REALLY MEANS: "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."
- "I missed you." - REALLY MEANS: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
- "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." - REALLY MEANS: "No one will ever see us alive again."
- "This relationship is getting too serious." - REALLY MEANS: "I like you as much as I like my truck."
- "I don't need to read the instructions." - REALLY MEANS: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.
Submitted by Penny, Springfield, Va.
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| A woman was sitting at a bar
enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends ... ... when an exceptionally tall, handsome,
extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare, and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely
staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house."
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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