For men tired of receiving male bashing jokes

• How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
• Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
• How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
• How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
• Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
• If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
• All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
• Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.
• Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
• Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
• In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
• Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.
• Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

• Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
• Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
• It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
• Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
• It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
• The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

Staring at women’s breast is good for men’s health and makes them live longer. A new survey reveals. Researchers have discovered that a 10-minute ogle at women’s breast is as health as half-an-hour in the gym.

A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.

The doctor who carries out the German study wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30 minute aerobics workout. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves the blood circulation. There is no question that gazing at breast makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man extend his life four or five years."

She added that sexy starts like Dolly Patron, heather Locklcar, Ann Nicole Smith and Demi Moore had proved to be especially good for the men’s Health.

. . . when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

• Damn, It's Good to Be a Man! Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
• Same work... more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
• One mood, ALL the damn time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
• You can leave the motel bed unmade.
• You can kill your own food.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
• You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
• You don't mooch off other's desserts.
• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24^th, in 45 minutes.

• Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
  
  The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
  
  This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
  a. Football.
  b. Golf.
  c. How fat you are.
  d. How much prettier she is than you.
  e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
  
  Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you"
  
• Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, shit-loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

• Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

• Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
  Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
  
  Incorrect responses include:
  a. Yes, but you have a better personality
  b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
  c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
  d. Define pretty
  e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
  
• Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
  A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
  
  Woman: Would you get married again?
  Man: Definitely not!
  Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?
  Man: Of course I do.
  Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
  Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
  Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
  Man: (makes audible groan)
  Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
  Man: Where else would we sleep?
  Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
  Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
  Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
  Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
  Woman: - - - silence - - -

. . . Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."