...the Church was filled with smoke. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail. Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew.

"Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered.

The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."

Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

St. Peter said, "I know that you are all forgiven because you are here. But before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you 2 questions. Your answer will depend on what kind of transportation you receive to travel through Heaven. You have to have transportation in Heaven because it is so big!"

St. Peter asks the first guy to step forward. He asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy stepped forward and got the same questions from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln for you."

The third guy stepped forward and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

• Cats do what they want, when they want.
• They rarely listen to you.
• They're totally unpredictable.
• They whine when they are not happy.
• When you want to play they want to be left alone.
• When you want to be alone, they want to play.
• They expect you to cater to their every whim.
• They're moody.
• They leave their hair everywhere.
• They drive you nuts.

Conclusion:

Cats are small women in fur coats.

While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had been dating two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back.

So the Marine does what any squared away Devil Dog would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back.

• ... None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
• Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
• Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
• How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
• How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
• Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure..
• In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
• Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
• A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
• Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
• A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

... When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, tanned and muscular. St. Peter chains them together and leaves without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.

• In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
• My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
• What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
• A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
• Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
• A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
• First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
• How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
• If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
• The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

• Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he Already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
• Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
• Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
• Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
• Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
• Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
• Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
• Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.
• Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
• Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
• Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
• Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
• Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
• Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
• Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

• Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolate"
• Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
• Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
• When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
• You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
• Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.
• The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
• A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
• When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
• Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
• Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
• If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him
•  Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, you are absolved of your of responsibility.

• Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
• Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
• It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
  1. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
  2. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
  3. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
  4. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
  5. When your Date is using her teeth
• Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
• Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move
  1. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident
• 6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:
  1. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns
• If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
• The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
• Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
• No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
• On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
• While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant idiots - low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard because it's twice as true).
• Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh.
• When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
• It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
• Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
• Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
• If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
• Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
• You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
• A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
• Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
• If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
• Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
  1. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
  2. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
  3. Another set and we can hit the showers!
  4. Nice Ass, Are you a Sagittarius?
• Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
• You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months...I don't like to interrupt her.
• Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
• In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
• Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
• What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
• A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."
• Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
• Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
• A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
• First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
• How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
• If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? " And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."