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For all you dog lovers out there ... How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
- Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
- Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
- Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
- Rottweiler: Make me.
- Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
- Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
- Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
- Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
- Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
- Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
- Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.......
- Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
- Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
- Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
- Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
- Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
- Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
- Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs, I am not one of THEM, so the question is: how long will it be before I can expect my light?
- Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
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| Life lessons learned from a dog . . .
How Dogs and Men Are the Same: (men keep reading, you'll get your turn)
- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
- Both mark their territory.
- Neither tells you what's bothering them.
- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
- Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
- Neither does any dishes.
- Both fart shamelessly.
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
- Both like dominance games.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better than Men:
- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
- Dogs miss you when you're gone.
- Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
- Dogs admit when they're jealous.
- Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
- Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
- You can train a dog.
- Dogs are easy to buy for.
- The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
- Dogs understand what "no" means.
- Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Top Ten Reasons Why a Dog Is Better than a Woman:
- A dog's parents will never visit you.
- A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
- A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
- A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
- A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
- A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
- A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
- The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
- A dog does not shop.
Life lessons learned from a dog:
- If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
- Don't go out without ID.
- Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.
- Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
- Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
- Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
- When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
- If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.
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All cats go to heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running;
we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him how was he doing.
The cat replies better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"
Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.
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How to give a pill to a cat
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
- Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
- Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
- Wrap it in cheese.
- Toss to dog.
Submitted by Jean, Spokane, Wa.
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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be
a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new
animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was
pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.
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| "Strong Horse"
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer
hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the
farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Submitted by Patty in Leasburg, Va.
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How to bathe a cat
- Thoroughly clean the toilet.
- Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
- Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they
can find.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
- Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
- The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG |
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Thoughts on Cats - All sublime
- "Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff"-Unknown
- "Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."-Dave Platt
- "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."-Unknown
- "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."-Anonymous
- "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."-Jeff Valdez
- "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."-English proverb
- "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."-Ellen Perry Berkeley
- "One cat just leads to another."-Ernest Hemingway
- "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."-Mary Bly
- "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."- Joseph Wood Krutch
- "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."- Faith Resnick
- "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."-Anonymous
- "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."-Hippolyte Taine
- "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."-Albert Schweitzer
- "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."-Ernest Menaul
- "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."-Unknown
- "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."-Missy Dizick
- "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."-Colonial American proverb
- "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."-Joseph Wood Krutch
- "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"-Unknown
- "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."-Unknown
- "Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."-Robert A. Heinlein
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