• A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.
• A four footed allergen.
• A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
• A treat-seeking missile.
• A wildlife control expert impersonator.
• A hair relocation expert.
• An un-programmable animal.

• The doc's thermometer registers in Fahrenheit, Celsius and dollars.
• The bill came with payment coupons.
• Your Doberman just ate the receptionist.
• "He has a very rare blood type. It's called '$$ Positive.'"
• He starts talking about extended quality of life, miracles of modern veterinary medicine and joint replacement procedures. You own a goldfish.
• They take away the blood sample on a sterling silver serving tray.
• The sad, pathetic whining in the exam room is coming from the owners.
• You suddenly realize where you've heard that low whistle before: from the plumber and the auto mechanic.
• "Do you have any idea how expensive hamster defibrillators are?"

and the #1 Sign Your Veterinary Bill is Going to Require Financing:

• "We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster...."

• When your spouse's shocked voice shouts from the shop, "Honey, come quick, I've had a terrible accident!", you show up breathless with a mop and scent neutraliser.
• You wake panicked in the middle of the night when you sense you suddenly have room to move your body around the bed.
• You can't sleep unless you hear lots of heavy breathing in your bedroom
• The emergency number on your speed dialler is for the dog's veterinarian.
• When someone taps you on the shoulder, you tell them firmly, "Off!", then "Down!".
• When tempers flare among your family members, you pull out the long forefinger, pointedly raise your voice and shout "Go to your crates, now!"
• When someone asks what's for dinner you automatically reply, "Kibbles and Bits".
• When you are walking a ring around the local park and someone points at you and your dog, you raise both arms over your head, whoop and go looking for a ribbon.
• When shopping, your best friend asks you what you think of that snappy suit in the window, and you scowl and mutter, "Useless, it is the same colour as my dog and it has no pockets."
• When your neighbour points to her crawling infant and asks you what you think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply, "Well, a little short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great top line!"

• Newspapers: if you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
• Visitors: quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
• Barking: because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark.
• Licking: always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
• Holes: rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem
• Doors: the area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
• The art of sniffing: humans like to be sniffed - everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
• Dining etiquette: always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
• Housebreaking: housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
• Going for walks: rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
• Couches: it is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
• Playing: if you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
• Chasing cats: when chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.
• Chewing: make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.

A Pet's Ten Commandments...

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3.  Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

• It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.
• Dogs cannot lie.
• Dogs never resist nap time.
• You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
• Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
• Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
• Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
• Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.
• Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42
• Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000

• Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
• Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
• Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.
• Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
• Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
• Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
• Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
• I had to get rid of my Husband. The cat was allergic!

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.

They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them roller skates.

• It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.
• Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.
• In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.
• In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.
• In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.
• In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.
• In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.
• In Arizona, the bullfrog hunting season is permanently closed.
• In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.
• French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.
• Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.
• Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.
• In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.
• It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
• Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.
• Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.
• In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.
• In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter. 
• You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.
• In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying."