"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.

The man answers: "I was the tourist guide in Africa of a team of 6 blonds and a brunet. While crossing a rope bridge, above a river crowded with alligators, a whirlwind blew us upside down. We all managed to grasp the ropes and hang on. Then the remains of the bridge began to give way because of the weight. Someone had to sacrifice and since I was the only man, I behaved like a gentleman."

While the man is telling his story, the blonds also arrive at the pearly gates. Stunned , St. Peter asks "What happened? He said you were safe?"

One of the blonds replied: "It's the fault of that brunet who was part of the group. When the guide jumped she said: "Such a courageous man deserves applause..."

It was about to be her hubby's 40th birthday and she wanted to make his cake from scratch, as opposed to a cake mix or bakery cake.

Knowing she was a blond, I gave her one of the simplest recipes I have.

I called her yesterday to see how everything went, and she said the cake only turned out so-so.

"It was a bit flat and slightly chewy" she said.

"Did you follow the directions I gave you" I asked

"Yeah. There was one ingredient I wasn't quite sure about though." replied the blond

This cake calls for flour, sugar, eggs, cocoa powder, vanilla extract, soda, salt and water. Very basic ingredients so I could not imagine what possibly confused her. "Well, which one was that, do you think?" I asked

"I think it was a problem with the soda. Your recipe said 1 tsp. soda, but did not say what type, so I used Seven-Up. Should I have been Pepsi?" she asked.

• January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
• February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
• March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
• April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
• May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
• June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
• July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
• August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
• September - When asked what the capital of California was answered "C."
• October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.
• November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
• December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

I went into work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.

Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde...it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing. "Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. The blonde started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.

The blonde looks at Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob and said, "Fair is fair. Here's your money."

Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

... and always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building.

The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The wife of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red head's wife said to the other two wives, "I packed my husband a peanut butter and jelly sandwich so he wouldn't jump off."

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"

Terribly impressed, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why don'cha!"

The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence.

Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"

The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.''

The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!''

The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.''

The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.''

The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?''