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A Blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another Blonde... ... in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the girl for a while.
When she could not stand it any more she called out to the Blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"
The Blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."
The Blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the Blonde in the field. "It is dumb Blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
The Blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The Blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at Blonde in the field yelling, "If I could swim, I would come out there and beat you up!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A blond is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas.
She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?" Then he walked away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she alright?"
The roulette wheel operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering... ..., and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
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A Blonde planned to spend almost
all of her vacation sunbathing ...
She found the ideal spot on the
roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth,
raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a
bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that
since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of
it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.
She'd been lying there on her
stomach for a little while, when she heard someone running up the
stairs towards the roof.
Startled, she did have time to
pull on her suit and since she was lying on her stomach, She just
just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the
flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up
here, but would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit,
as you did yesterday".
"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed,
rather irritated..."Have you been following me around? And
besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY since no one except a
nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm
covered with a towel."
"Well, that would be true," said
the embarrassed little man, "Except for the fact that you're lying
on the dining room skylight."
Submitted by
Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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She Was So Blonde That ...
- She tripped over a cordless phone.
- She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- She studied for a blood test.
- When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
- She sold the car for gas money!
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There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.
So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,
"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride...
... every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
Jill replied, "It's in here with me."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A blond calls an import parts warehouse...
and asks for a 28- ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy. "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."
"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"
"A Datsun."
As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."
"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am.
That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number...
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago... ... to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity.
On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked a blond.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The blond thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Time to do the inner-blonde test!
Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 5 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!
- Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
- If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills taken?
- I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?
- Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
- A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
- If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?
- A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What colour is the bear?
- Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?
- How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?
- If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?
Answers
Answers:
- All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
- 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.
- 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
- 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
- 9 live sheep.
- The match.
- White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
- 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
- None. It was Noah, not Moses.
- YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
- 10 Genius
- 9 Mensa Member
- 8 Engineer
- 7 Student
- 6 High school pupil
- 5 Primary school pupil
- 4 Teacher
- 3 College lecturer
- 2 University lecturer
- 1 Member of Congress
- 0 Blonde
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam.
She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.
"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.
The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner.
"Now what?"Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
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A blond was taking her first skydiving lesson...
The instructor told her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord, explaining that he himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down together. Barbara understood and was ready.
Just before it was time for the blond to jump out of the plane, the instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. She jumped, and, after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed her out of the plane.
He pulled his rip cord but the parachute didn't open. As he struggled to pull the emergency rip cord, he shot downward and darted past Barbara.
Seeing this, the blond quickly undid the straps to her own parachute, and yelled after him, "So you wanna race, huh?!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam.
She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.
"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.
The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner.
"Now what?"Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center... ... and rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in Park?"
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
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I rode home with a female blond coworker about five years ago.
I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted "those people."
"People *who*?" I asked?
She said, "The ATM operates by having a person inside the box. Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can find your PIN and check the balance. This person then asks you to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed. If not,
he keeps your card.
"If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout. If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount. He *then* calls all of the other branches and ATMs, tells them how much you've withdrawn, so they can update *their* books.
"Wonder where they find all those little people at?"
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A blond, driving along in her new sports car... ... suddenly cuts in front of a tandem-trailer, making the driver stamp on the brakes to avoid an accident. He roared past her, pulled up in front of the sports, and stormed out of the cab. "Did you see what you did back
there?" He roared. You cut me off. You nearly caused me to ram right into you. What have you got to say to that, eh!"
"Me? Oh, my, I'd never do a thing like that. I'm a good driver."
"Oh yeah? Well, watch this." He took a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a circle on the road near the rig. "Now you stand in this circle, see, and you DO NOT MOVE. Got it?"
"Sure," says the blond, and stands in the ring.
The driver grabs a crowbar from the truck and smashes the windscreen on the sports.
Turning round, he yells "There. That'll…" But he can't continue, as the blond is giggling, then laughing out loud at his expression.
Taking no lip, he smashes the other windows; again she's laughing fit to kill. So he attacks the bodywork and soon the car's a wreck. "Look what you made me do," he screams at her. "Your car's a wreck. What do you say to that?"
Still giggling, she says, "Oh you didn't see me, but I was jumping out of the circle when you weren't looking."
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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She was Soooooooo Blonde
- She thought a quarterback was a refund.
- She thought General Motors was in the army.
- She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
- She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
- At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:' she wrote 'Sagittarius.'
- She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
- Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics...'
- She tripped over a cordless phone.
- She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.'
- She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- She studied for a blood test.
- She sold the car for gas money.
- When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
- When she heard that 90% of all accidents occur around the home, she moved.
- She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
- She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
- She had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which she thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.'
- She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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A young blonde woman is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
- the condor
- the buzzard
- the cuckoo
- the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because ... Her friend was, well--blonde. But she
had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
'I need an answer,' said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.' 'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
And Meredith replied, 'That answer is. Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?' 'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa
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