Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
  

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. . . This being a big event, the girl tells John that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.

Well, John's ecstatic, but he'd never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps John for about an hour. He tells John everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks John how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. John insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all, besides it'$ best value.

That night, John shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in' ". John goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. John quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the John is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

Ten minutes pass and still no movement from John.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to John, "I had no idea you were so religious. 

"John turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist"

Submitted by Sharon, Unionville, Pa.
 

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She quickly replied, "Does it hurt as bad as tennis elbow?...."
 

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Ten simple rules for dating my daughter...

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
    

2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so longa s you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
    

3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
    

4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
    

5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
    

6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
    

7. You stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
    

8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
    

9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
    

10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas . . .

. . .and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
 

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Got a letter from Aunt Martha the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage son in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Submitted by Stas, Bigglerville, Pa.
  

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. . .He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results.

On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.  "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".  

"I am actually 47".

This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.  But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.

If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done.  You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant!  How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
 

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Submitter by Crystal, Mt. Airy, Md.
 

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. . . As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
  

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. . .He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
 

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At the height of the Intafada, the Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the area. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief.

"We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"
 

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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
 

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The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"
 

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An Indian from a nearby reservation went to a whorehouse and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, he said, "me want woman!" You want a woman huh?" He replied, "Yes. Me want woman. Me got money."

"But do you have experience?" the Madam asked. "Experience?" asked the Indian. "Have you done this before?" "No, but me want woman. Me got money."

The Madam laughed and said, "I'll tell you what honey. You go out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in those trees, and when you know what you're doing, you come back and see me."

The Indian went out into the forest and found a knothole to practice. The next week he went back to the whorehouse and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, he exclaimed, "Me want woman. Me got experience!" So the Madam sent him upstairs with one of her girls.

When they go upstairs, the Indian told her to take off her clothes and bend over. When she did, he took out a 2x4 and smacked her on the ass.

"What the hell did you do that for!" she exclaimed.

"Me check for bees" replied the Indian.
 

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A young kid gets on the bus, his hair is spiked and dyed green, purple, and orange. His face and body are full of tattoos and body piercing. He sits down directly across from an old man who just stares at him. The punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

The old man says, "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

Submitted by Bryan, Idaho Falls
 

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