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| An 17-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she was pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably
dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good but...
...never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
- When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.
- When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
- When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
- When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
- When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
- When you are confused -- I will use little words.
- When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever the hell you have.
- When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
- This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.
Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Pa.
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| There was a mine in a small town that had completely collapsed.
One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other
end of the bar.
"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a Chinaman and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the
last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding
the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the Chinaman his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer:
"I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing all the bruising under his chin. What's that all about?"
The engineer responded:
"Oh... that's where we put the jack."
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
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| An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting... ... in the wilderness of
northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals
in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and
household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location... it was suspended in
midair by wires attached to the
ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it
and vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more
evenly throughout the cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a
religious symbol for centuries."
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his
heavy pot-bellied stove from the
ceiling.
His answer was succinct...
"Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."
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| A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty...
... (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a
sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.
"While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you
can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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This Year's Stupid People Award Winners
- Britney Spears & Eminem - Who, combined, have written more books than they’ve read.
- Dr. Phil McGraw - Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most high-profile patient, Oprah
Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.
- America's Oil Companies - For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don't mix.
- Bill Gates - For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.
- The Editors of Maxim - For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.
- Jared - Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes
was questioned by no one.
- That 300 Pound Guy - Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A football player had an eye gouged out during a particularly violent game.
Inspired by his coach's pep talks he refuses to give up the game and has a glass eye fitted. Although he is still able to play football, he knows that he
is not the same player he was before. Also, off the field he is having a hard time adjusting, he constantly feels self conscious about the glass eye.
His doctor gives him the good news that complete eye transplants are now possible. But the bad news is that there's a chronic lack of donors and the waiting list is
about five years.
One night, driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, his glass eye fails to detect a guy trying to go around his car on a motorcycle. He changes lanes and sends the
motorcycle flying.
It's late at night and nobody's around and it's clear to the football player that the cyclist is dead. He makes a quick decision and cuts out one of the cyclists eyes
with his pen knife. He figures if he rushes it to his surgeon he'll be able to perform the transplant. Before he leaves he pops out his glass eye and places it in the cyclist's eye socket.
Everything is fine for a few weeks, his new eye is working perfectly. But he starts to worry about the cyclist. Everything had happened so fast - what if he wasn't dead
after all?
He decided to call the local police station and enquire about the accident.
"Yes, the poor fellow was dead alright," said the officer, "but it's still all very mysterious."
The guy felt a chill of fear run up and down his spine,
"Mysterious?" he asked.
"Yeah, how the hell did he manage to ride his bike all the way up here from Los Angeles with two glass eyes?"
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
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Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two.
And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six.
And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four ... "
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"
The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md..
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| After returning home from his honeymoon ... ... the husband notices a photo of a man on
his new wife's bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing
him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery"
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, CO
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| There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby... ... so he went to the congregation
and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and
bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell
on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
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| A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful Diamond bracelet...
... and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism,
the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely
bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to crap when I tell you the price.
Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
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| A couple of old guys were golfing one day... ...,
when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years
before.
"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when
it smacked me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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| 'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.
'My name is Puddles.'
Submitted by Lindsay, Bill, Jay, Ed, Ashley, Dick, Al, Dave, and just about everyone one else to us over the last two weeks! So I guess it's safe to run
it!
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| A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall ... holding
hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed,
then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while,
she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then
he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid
me the first three pennies?"
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.
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Murphy's Laws Of Combat
- If the enemy is in range, so are you.
- Incoming fire has the right of way.
- Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
- There is always a way.
- The easy way is always mined.
- Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
- Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
- The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
- When you're ready for them.
- When you're not ready for them.
- Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
- If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
- The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
- A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.
- If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
- Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
- Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
- Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
- If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
- When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
- Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| Great Answer from Florida Sheriff!!! As reported earlier this week, some dirtbag who got
pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another
deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Now here's the kicker:
Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel - "That's all the bullets we had."
(Talk about an all time classic answer!!!)
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia (How did he hear about this????)
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| A wilderness area asked hikers to fill out comment cards.
These are actual comments left by hikers:
- Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
- Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
- Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
- Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
- The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
- A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call XXX-XXX-XXXX.
- Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
- Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
- Need more signs to keep area pristine.
- A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
- The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
- I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
- Too many rocks in the mountains.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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