Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. 

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read: "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles away from the forest.

The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean then flown to the forest fire and emptied...You guessed it.

One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'-10 inches of the fire.

• An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
• A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
• Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
• Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
• If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
• If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
• Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
• If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
• Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
• The United States Constitution © 1791. All Rights Reserved.
• What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand.
• The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
• 64,999,987 firearm owners killed no one yesterday.
• Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
• Know guns, Know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
• You don't shoot to kill; You shoot to stay alive.
• 911 - government sponsored Dial a Prayer.
• Assault is a behavior, not a device.
• Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
• If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.
• Only a government that is afraid of it's citizens try to control them.
• You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
• Enforce the "gun control laws" in place, don't make more.
• When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
• The American Revolution would never have happened with Gun Control.

"....a government by the people, for the people....."

. . . so that he could marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.

"Not on her best day." Hank replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke."

"Well then, is it sex?"

"Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can't?"

"She can sue me for child support!"

The bartender poured the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

So the man began his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blond sauntered in, and actually sat beside me at the bar. I thought, Wow! This has never happened before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later the blond leaned over, licked my ear, and asked if I was interested! I couldn't believe this was happening! I managed to nod my head, so she grabbed my hand, and started walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her.

This was just too good to be true! She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room.  I was just about to  jumped into the bed when I heard some keys jingling, and someone started fumbling with the door. The blond said, 'Oh my gosh, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad! Quick, hide!' So I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there.

Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he was bound to look there too. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."

The bartender said, "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but the guy finally got the door open and he yelled out, 'Who's in here?' The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, calm down.' 

Well, the guy started tearing up the room. I heard him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I was thinking, Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there. Then I heard him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I thought, I'm dead meat now. But the blond by now was trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I heard the guy go into the bathroom, and I heard water running for a long time, and I figured maybe he was gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the bastard poured a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second-degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have enraged me for sure."

"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy started slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looked at the guy's hands and said, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really ticked me off."

The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, what did finally tick you off?"

"Well, I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about six inches off the ground!"

"We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

"You know what?" says the 5 year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say "ass." OK?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,

"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and comes back.

The second guy says, "What's wrong?"

The first guy says, "Small world."

St. Peter explains that it's not easy to get into heaven. There are some criteria that must be met before entry is allowed. For example, was the man a church-goer or religious?

No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous, giving money to the poor or to charities?

No? St. Peter told him that that, too, was bad. Did he do any good deeds, such as helping his neighbor? Anything?

No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, the Saint says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, here! I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man thinks for a minute, then says, "Well, I did help this old lady once. I came out of a store and saw that a dozen Hell's Angels had taken her purse and were shoving her around. I threw my bags down and got her purse back, then I told the biggest biker there that he was cowardly and I spat in his face."

"Wow," said St. Peter, "That's impressive! When did this happen?"

"Oh, about 15 minutes ago," replied the man.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job." 

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34 It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, about $2,000 a week."

"Your son must be very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He's a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas".

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of the expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I'll explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, then fell to the floor with a heart attack. The medic asked what had triggered the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked

• So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
  Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
   
• My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
  When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry
   
• You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.
  Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
   
• You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh,
  when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
    
• Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
  Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
   
• Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be.
  But don't fret about it. She moved in with me
   
• You totaled your car. And can't remember why.
  Could it have been, That whole case of Bud Dry?