A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

They married sisters and have lived in the same block, and visited the same bar together all this time. Pat becomes ill, and is taken to the hospital, where he is visited by Mike. who upon entering the room remarks how good Pat looks. Pat is having none of that and tells Mike that he is sure that he, Pat is dying and will not last much longer.

Pat then asks if Mike he will do one last thing for him when he "is dead and gone" Mike agrees.

Pat sys, "when I'm gone and buried, and the priest has had his say, will you take a wee shot of Dugans Dew, which we've drunk together since coming over from the old country, and pore it over me grave stone so I can quench me thurst in me trials and tribulations.

Mike, taken back. gives his friend a long, loving look and says; "Pat t'is the least I can do as close as we've been, but I've just one question.

Pat, with a weakening voice; "Oh, I knew there would be one!"

Mike; "do you mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?"

... the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No . . . "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix"

. . . takes them to a table and proceeds to drink them taking his time. He repeats this two times and then leaves the pub.

A few nights later he returns to the pub, orders three pints of Guinness, takes them to a table and drinks them taking his time. He repeats this two times and leaves the pub. He continues this for several weeks. Soon the entire town is talking about the "Three Pint Man."

Finally, one day the pub owner on behalf of the entire town broaches the subject to the man. "I don't mean to pry, but folks are quite curious why you order three pints each time you come in ."

The man replied, "I have two brothers - one in America and one in Australia. When we parted ways we all promised that each time we had a drink, we would order an extra two pints as a way of keeping up with each other."

The pub owner and the entire town thought this was wonderful and were pleased that the brothers meant so much to each other. "The Three Pint Man" became a celebrity not only to the town but to the surrounding area.

One day the man came into the pub and orders only two pints of Guinness. The pub owner poured them with a heavy heart knowing in his soul that something dreadful must have happened. The news spreads around town and people are offering prays for the "Three Pint Man."

This went on for a few weeks and the pub owner says to the man, "I want to offer our condolences due to death of your brother. We are all heart broken. You know the two pints and all."

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

 While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

• The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
• The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN !!!
• The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
• The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
• The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
• The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
• The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.
• The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
• The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
• The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
• The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
• The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
• The consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

. . . each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. .Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy
• I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra
• An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest HemingwayA woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman 
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright
• When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and goto heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke
• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
• Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting public house regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called 'beer,' that is essentially in liquid form.

The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy to go home with here. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.

Please! Forward this to every male you know.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

The goat and sheep at 20 die, and never taste of Scotch and Rye;
The cow drinks water by the ton, and at 18 is mostly done.
The dog at 15 cashes in , without the aid of Rum and Gin;
The cat in milk and water soaks, and then in 12 short years he croaks.
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen, lays eggs for nogs, then dies at 10.
All animals are strictly dry; they sinless live and swiftly die. But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men, survive for three score years and ten. But some of us the mighty few, stay pickled till we're 92

• Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemmingway
• Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.--Winston Churchill
• He was a wise man who invented beer. Plato
• Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
• Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. His reply
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman
• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.  - Benjamin Franklin
• If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -Deep Thought, Jack Handy
• The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart
• I drink to make other people interesting. -George Jean Nathan
• An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
• You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -Dean Martin
• All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. -Homer Simpson