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"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria."
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol
has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it is better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| Why you always feel smarter after a few beers... In one
episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this :
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks
the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm,
is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md. |
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Other uses for Vodka
- To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.
- To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The
alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
- To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
- Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade
and prevents rusting.
- Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
- Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
- Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
- Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
- Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, re-freshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
- Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days.
Strain the liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
- To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
- To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
- Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
- Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
- Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
And silly me .......... I've only been drinking the stuff!
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| Two fellows have been at the bar now for quite a while, downing several mugs with abandon.
They both look at the far end of the bar, in the direction of an unattractive woman who came in a while back.
The first fellow looks back at the second fellow and says, "Ya know, that woman is looking better and better, isn't she?"
The second fellow takes another look at the woman, then looks back at his friend and says, "well, I guess what they say is true, then, eh?"
The first fellow asks, "Well, what DO they say?" The second fellow answers, "Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder!"
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Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon
Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:
- Specificity
- Anti-constitutionalistically
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When Drunk:
- Nope, no more booze for me!
- Sorry, but you're not really my type.
- Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
- Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
- Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
- I'm not interested in fighting you.
- Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
- Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
- I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs... ...
to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer".
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties
and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach.. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never
normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad"
occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship" . In extreme cases, the female may even be
shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is
administered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can dis cuss the details of your shocking encounter with
similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| A good samaritan was walking home late one night ...
... when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would
you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So,
he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer,
protect me from this man."
"He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| An American walks into an Irish pub and says ...
..., "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"
"Sure," he says.
So the bartender lines 10 Guinness' up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"
The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Late one night a policeman spotted
a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.
They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they
served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five O' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness’s -- couldn't be
rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for
inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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