They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints, and were

stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Scotsman too, in anguish, picked the fly out of his drink, then held it out over the beer and started yelling "Alright! Spit it out, spit it all out you bastard!!!!"

A man walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally Cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.  The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and Oi'll

See what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'sposed to pick them up !!!

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl.

The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so our brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a freaking clueless idiot...

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name,

I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought.....'I really like Denise'

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies 'Denephew'

• *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.
• *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
• *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I, shoulder.
• *Texas * My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
• *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
• *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
• *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
• *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
• *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
• *Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
• *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
• *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
• *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
• *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and I hear he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Forget dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE....

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Forget dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his stuped hengliding!'

• Canula (n): Enquiry about Doctor's singing ability
• Incontinent (v): To be in France or Germany
• Emergency Room (n) : Where things come out.
• Stethescope (n): Like a telescope, but for listening to small sounds.
• Fracture (n): A branch of mathematics
• Corn (v): Left. Not here.
• Fistula (n): An Irish salute
• Intern (adv): Queuing
• Morgue (adv): Faster acceleration
• Heparin (adv):The operation can start (note: heps are Irish anaesthetics)
• Triage (adj): More than two years old.
• Blood type (n): Family member
• Blister (n) Term of invective (Note: a contraction of bl….(S)ister)
• Injection (v): Abrupt comment
• Longitudinal study (adv): Reading in bed
• Rash (v): Hurry
• Abscess (n): In charge of a nunnery
• Nurses station (n): Where they go to catch the train
• Doctor's Lounge (comment): but not when they're operating
• Lungs (adv): Distance or time estimate. (As in 'how lungs it?')
• Communicable disease (n): Condition that tells you what it is before you see it.
• Kidney (excl): Disbelief. (As in 'you're kidney')
• Registrar (n): Voice range (note: often used in conjuntion with canula (qv))
• Varicose (adv): Not far
• Tinnitus (n): Sixpack
• Infirmary (n): Privatised medicine