"Would you like male of female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black, or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man . . . and he replied,

"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

This the Texan had to have. He'd be the envy of everyone, and would get even richer. He negotiated with the owner who did not want to sell his Cash Cow, but finally he persuaded him to part with it for two billion. A quick run through the way things were run, the markets - including the US military - and he was ready to go.

The following day he watched, fascinated, as Hans ran from section to section through the brightly lit plant tending machines, filling hoppers, stacking goods, and never taking a break. "Ah", thought the new owner, "If only we could achieve this back home. We just don't want to work like this."

The following day he realized that the place might be efficient, but that there was room for even more savings. Hans spent long hours in various sections, and the amount of electricity used to illuminate the rest of the factory was wasted. He began switching off sections of lighting until they were needed, and for a while this worked - but by the end of the day only half the expected production had been achieved. Fearing he'd been the victim of a German confidence scam, he rang the guy he'd bought it from, spluttering and furious.

The former owner quickly appeared, threw his hands in the air, shook his head in disbelief, and said "No, no, you must turn back on the lamps. Many lights makes Hans work!"

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Auburn.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, and after he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business....

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.

In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too."

"That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone."

Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!"

The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje (now an Archbishop) was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a massive cave-in trapping scores of miners deep in the earth. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer comfort and last rites to those too severely injured to move. While underground another shaft collapsed and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. Some time after being rescued, he developed a severe (but rare) condition known as purpura. This condition is the result of extensive underground time and exposure to the high silver content in the mine's air. It is characterized by purplish skin blotches and is found in many life-long silver miners. For his heroism and

selfless service to others, the church elevated him to Cardinal.

With the passing of Pope John Paul II, he joined the other Cardinals in Rome for the funeral and the conclave to select a new Pope from their ranks. Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor and holy man; church leaders agree he will never ascend to the Papacy.

After all, no one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

• Always bids no trumps? It saves sending his suits to the cleaners.
• Wouldn't let his partner play a hand? He knew that it is only dummies who put all their cards on the table.
• Never looks at the last card? Number thirteen has to be unlucky.
• Was also an astrologer? Would not bid hearts if Venus was rising.
• Wouldn't sit west? He was an Indian - and that's where the cowboys are.
• Was a politician? Always lies about his points, his suits and the distribution. But he promises a level playing field.
• Worked for the CIA? His bids become void after 10 seconds.
• Was a press secretary? Always had excuses for his partner.
• Practices magic? Calls tricks 'rabbits', turns tops into bottoms while you watch.
• Reneges nearly every hand? He's standing for the senate next election.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. but none is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

 'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'

• Bubba's Animal Sounds ...

Grandma is reading a children's animal book to little Bubba. "This is a pig. What sound does a piggy make?"

"Oink ! Oink!" said little Bubba.

"This is a cow and what sound does a cow make?"

"Moo! Moo!" said little Bubba.

"This is a ducky and what sound does a ducky make?"

"AFLAC! AFLAC!"

• A lawyer and a farmer were walking in a field. The farmer had on high boots and the lawyer had on a pair of $500 shoes.

Soon the lawyer steps both feet into what looks like a cow pie. He exclaims, "What is this?"

The farmer replies, "I'm not sure, but it looks to me like you're melting."

• I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me.

As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter" she replied. "I'm bisacksual."

• Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
• Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."
• Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
• Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
• Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
• Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a coworker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards." ****
• Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
• Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a grain of salt This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.

• When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on building a new hospital in Washington County...
• The Allergists voted to scratch it.
• The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
• The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it but the Neurologist thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
• The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled,"Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
• The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!
• The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeon said, "That puts a whole new face on the matter!"
• The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
• The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
• And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole who didn't give a crap!

So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Chateau Ghetto
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine. . .

1. Nasti Spumante