Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren !!

. . . and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:

• GOD is like BAYER ASPIRIN ... He works miracles.
• GOD is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea.
• GOD is like COKE ... He's the real thing.
• GOD is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.
• GOD is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
• GOD is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life.
• GOD is like SEARS ... He has everything.
• GOD is like ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like him.
• GOD is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.
• GOD is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are.
• GOD is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him.
• GOD is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.
• GOD is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did?

• A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
    
• A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.? I'm having a real good time like I am!"
    
• Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!" 

• A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
    
• A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
    
• At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

• Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted and a little girl said, "I know all about adoptions because I was adopted." "What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child. "It means," said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy."
    
• A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
   
• As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile. "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged." "Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
   
• Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. "Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
   
• A lesson in "heart" is my little 10 year old daughter, Sarah, who was born with a muscle missing in her foot and wears a brace all the time. She came home one beautiful spring day to tell me she had competed in "field day" - that's where they have lots of races and other competitive events. Because of her leg support, my mind raced as I tried to think of encouragement for my Sarah, things I could say to her about not letting this get her down - but before I could get a word out, she said "Daddy, I won two of the races!"
    
• I couldn't believe it! And then Sarah said, "I had an advantage." Ah. I knew it. I thought she must have been given a head start...some kind of physical advantage. But again, before I could say anything, she said, "Daddy, I didn't get a head start... My advantage was I had to try harder!"
    
• An Eye Witness Account from New York City, on a cold day in December: A little boy about 10 years old was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy and said, "My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?" "I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand and went into the store and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with a towel. By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, my little fellow, you feel more comfortable now?" As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered the question with these words: "Are you God's Wife?"

• The Jews were a proud people, and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals ...
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments...
• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple ...
• The seventh commandment is thou shall not admit adultery ...
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada
• Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times ...
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines ...
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption ...
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you ...
• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance ...
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles ...
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage ...
• Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

• A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."
   
• While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said.  "Glory be unto the Faaaather...and unto the Sonnnn...and into the hole yougoooo."
   
• Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla., a huge fireworks display lights up the sky. One night I noticed a small boy about three years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God."
   
• My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our toy poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?" "I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.
   
• When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt. She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."
   
• We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town. Early the next morning, our 3 1/2-year old ran into our bedroom to wake us up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us. About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells and they all work."
   
• A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. I can't read, I can't write-and they won't let me talk!"
   
• One day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter. A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face. "What happened?" my mother asked." "I just fooled the people at the post office. When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying any stamps."
   
• Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?

She inquired as to whether it was alive or dead.

"Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise.

• While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

• While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

• It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

• Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made an ugly face, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."