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Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride
...
A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had
ever seen before. Cassie bought each grandson a bag.
The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth
just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the
tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that
if I were you."
"Why not?" replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind
for half a minute."
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Cute Kid's Answers to Grown-up Relationship Questions
How Do You Decide Who to Marry?
- You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -
Alan, age 10
- No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -
Kristen, age 10 (isn't she a treasure)
What Is the Right Age to Get Married?
- Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
- No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
How Can a Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
- You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
- Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
- Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8
- On the first date they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10 (who said boys do not have
brains)
What Would You Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour?
- I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9
When Is it Okay to Kiss Someone?
- When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)
- The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7 (good point)
- The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8
Is it Better to Be Single or Married?
- It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
How Would the World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
- There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
How Would You Make a Marriage Work?
- Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10 (the boy already understands)
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Answers teachers
can't help but laugh at...
- Teacher: Maria, go to the map
and find north America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.
- Teacher: John, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
- Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
Glenn: K-r-o-k-o-d-i-a-l"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
- Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula
for water?
Donald: h I j k l m n o. Teacher:
What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
- Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we
have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!
- Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so
dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
- Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting
with "I."
Millie: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie..... always say, "I am."
Millie: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
- Teacher: George Washington not only chopped
down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do
you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
- Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you
say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
- Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "my dog"
is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
- Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person
who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Harold: A
teacher
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Out of the mouth of babes ...
-
Steve (age 3) hugged and kissed his
Mom goodnight "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury
you outside my bedroom window."
- Brittany (age 4) had an earache and wanted a
painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her
frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to
open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does
it know it's me?
- Susan (age 4) was drinking juice when she got
the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It
makes my teeth cough."
- Ian (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and
asked: "How much do I cost?"
- Marc (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple
that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes
off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
- Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom looking
worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't
know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife
fit in?"
- James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.
His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee
out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.
Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
- Tammy (age 4) was with her mother when they met
an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for
a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon this Mom will never forget ....
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms
extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
"Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but, at that
moment, my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to
me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what
is butt dust?"
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg,
Pa.
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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who
was working in the yard.
She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides
that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to
get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and
the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this
question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be
ready in just a couple of secs."
Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, MD.
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The Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and
have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left
in.)
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark,
which the animals came to in pears.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebel like Delilah.
- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten
commendments.
- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A little boy was
attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked
him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the
Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
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| I was keeping my 3 yr old grandson Tristy.. .... and had to run errands. He was in the back seat in his carseat when I pulled into the
drive-in bank. The next thing I heard was his seatbelt unfastening and him jumping up to say...."I'll take vanilla!" Needless to say our next stop was at the ice cream shop.
Jeremy (age 5) had to go with his dad to a financial planning meeting and was warned how quiet he would have to be for the hour they would be there. At the end of the meeting, the presenter commented about how nice and patient Jeremy had been. Then he said..."Jeremy,
would you like to have $1 today, or $2 tomorrow?" Jeremy thought for a minute, then said..."I think I'll take my $2 today."
3 yr. old Chey had potty training down now, but would often wait until the last minute. She ran down our hall yelling..."Grandma, Grandma...please turn on the light in the bathroom." I said, "honey, Papa is in the room right next to the bathroom, have him turn
it on." "Papa, Papa, please turn on the light in the bathroom." she said running back down the hall. Papa turns on the light and Chey just stands there looking at him...like, ok, go away. Papa takes the opportunity to tease her about getting in there and taking care of her business right
now. Then giggles as he walks down the hall toward me. Chey sticks her head back out the bathroom door and said, "Well, ya don't have to be so crabby."
Submitted by Carla, Plano, TX
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| "Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended ... ... and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
Submitted by Donna, Emmitsubrg, MD.
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| A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Truths that my son has said in his life thus far:
At age 5 my oldest son proceeded to inform his grandmother that we as a family will never come to visit again as Daddy thinks that the only excitement you get here is when the school bus opens and closes its doors.
At age 6, when his older brother got caught taking candy at the local store. 'Mommy how old is Chris?" I answered and said "10 years old why?".
My child then promptly looked very serious and said to his dad "Daddy I know I 10 year old that got caught shop lifting today".
The looks shared between brothers was priceless.
At age 8
I got a speeding ticket while on vacation with him and my sister. At dinner my darling child proceeds to say "Daddy, what is that piece of paper the police give you on the highway called?". My husband was confused as I had not gotten the bill as it was out of state and I did not have
the amount I had to pay so I had not told him yet. My husband explained that the piece of paper was called a ticket. My son went on to inform him that "You know that when Mommy, Auntie and I went to see Grandma that Mommy got one and when you see how much it cost you'll blow your top. Daddy,
when you blow your top will your hair come back?"
When he was 9
Told me that Daddy and he while in our new car, almost had a car accident as Daddy saw a short skirt on long legs and did not see the stop sign. That Daddy missed a garbage truck by a few inches but that I did need to do the laundry as Daddy peed his pants.
My son is 22 years old now, and I can not wait till he has children so I can tell on him.
Submitted by Terri, Now Then, MN
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| Out of the Mouths of Babes take 2
The minister called on a seldom-seen parishoner, asking if she was in good health, and generally enquiring why she rarely attended services.
"Oh," she said, "it's difficult to get out of the house these days, but, reverend, I still keep up my bible study and prayers, don't I darling?" she said, turning to her five-year-old daughter - who looked rather blankly at her.
"Darling," she went on, "Run and fetch mummy's favourite book, there's a good girl."
A few moments later she returned holding out the Sears catalogue.
A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing, darling?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear mummy say," she said encouragingly.
The girl bowed her head and said "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
The mimister's five-year-old son had been watching the men fix the road outside their house for some time, and finally came into the kitchen about lunch time and said to his mother "Mummy, could I have a jam sandwich for lunch, please?"
"Well, you've never wanted that before. Are you sure?" She replied.
"Yes. Please, mummy, and wrap it in greaseproof paper, and put it in a brown paper bag, please."
She did, and watched him walk to the gutter and sit down. Slipping out the front door, she was in time to see him open the bag, tear away the wrapping, take out the sandwich, open it up, look inside, and say in a loud, angry voice, "Bloody jam again!"
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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Out of the mouth of babes ...
- When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes, 'Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she
live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
- I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door,
saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of this yourself!"
- When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, and then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them
if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
- This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men and she asked him why they were
there and he said on TV they say, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
- A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked
underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
- THE ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.
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| Reflections on mothers written by kids ... What’s the best thing about your mom?: She loves and cares for me.
Describe the world’s greatest mom: The world’s greatest mom is kind and beautiful, which is my mom.
Why did God make mothers?
- So they could multiply.
- As helpers to dads.
- So kids could have someone to love.
If there were no moms, then no one would love us (except dads) and I wouldn’t be born.
- How did God make mothers?
- By power.
- He just made them.
What is the difference between moms and grandmas?
Grandmas are old, pruney people, but moms are smooth and don’t have a lot of lines. Grandmas can barely walk, moms can run.
Submitted by Kate, Austin, Texas
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