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When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to
Israel.
As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany
of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
Also submitted by Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A very self-important college freshman took it
upon himself to explain to a senior citizen ... ... sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually almost a primitive one", he said in a voice loud enough for many nearby to hear. "We, the young people of today, grew up
with television, jet planes, space travel, men walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited mars, we have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing,
and…" he paused to take another swig of beer…
Which the senior citizen took advantage of to say, "You know, son, you're right. We didn't have those things when we were young… so we invented them. Now, you arrogant
little fart, what are YOU doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding.
I love senior citizens.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Baby Boomer Blues It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists
of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby Boomers. They include:
- Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
- Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
- The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
- Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
- Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
- Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
- Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
- The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
- Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
- Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
- The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
- Abba--- Denture Queen.
- Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
- Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
- Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And my favorite:
- Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
I came across this phrase yesterday "fender skirts"
A term I haven't heard in a long time and
thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words
that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like "curb
feelers" and "steering knobs." (AKA) suicide knob
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind
naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find
some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear
bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any
car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency
brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I
miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are
gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your
daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the
house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth
but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is
store-bought these days.
But once it was bragging material to have a
store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all
sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term
"world wide" for granted This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a
magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her
hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone
replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase
"in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was
once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in
polite company So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in
a family way" or simply "expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in
usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's
just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but
I considered "movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but
here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh,
what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was
just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker."
How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this. ?
I miss those made-up marketing words that were
meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow"
and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that
wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what
castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with
castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on
the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now
everybody says "dinner."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years.
The man finally decided to ask her to
marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he
couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait,
no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to
remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call.
Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the
marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you
called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember
who it was."
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One-liners about aging ...
- Just before the funeral
services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than
me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly
worth going home, is it?
- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
- The nice thing about being senile is you can
hide your own Easter eggs .
- I've sure got old! I've had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
licence.
- I feel like my body has got totally out of
shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and
start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I
bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will
and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to
be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure
my daughters visit me twice a week "
- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
- It's scary when you start making the same
noises as your coffeemaker.
- These days about half the stuff in my
shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you
grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into
the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne,
Australia
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If you are not over 60, this is what you have to look forward to...
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be
released first.
- No one expects you to run--anywhere.
- People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you
???? "
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
- You can live without sex but not your
glasses.
- You get into heated arguments about pension
plans.
- You no longer think of speed limits as
challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in no
matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with elevator music.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is
finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
manageable size.
Submitted by Bill,
Gettysburg, Pa.
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Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren ...
... would be saying about them fifty years
from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business',"
declared the first man.
"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a
loyal family man'."
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want
them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly
looks good for his age'!"
Submitter by Joe, Emmitsburg, Md.
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When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding
dress.
The day she tried it on for the first
time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended
the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's
eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion.
"You're gaining a son."
"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that
dress!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
... ... struck up a
conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of
them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The
gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go
up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the
boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just
happened.
They fished for a while and continued on down
the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again
asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the
elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day!
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the
elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the
river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go
up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were sex or drown."
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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they
left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left
her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had
been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation,
they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to
turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her
glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the
classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife
relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the
more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the
restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to
retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in
there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.
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And they ask why I like retirement ...
- Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
- Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the recliner.
- Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
- Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
- Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
- Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
- Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
- Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
- Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store
stuff there.
- Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
- Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.
- Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
- Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif.
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Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's
what I've discovered:
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
- It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.
- Blackjack chewing gum
- Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
- Candy cigarettes
- Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
- Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
- Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
- Party lines
- Newsreels before the movie
- P.F. Flyers
- Butch wax
- Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
- Peashooters
- Howdy Doody
- 45 RPM records
- S&H Green Stamps
- Hi-fi's
- Metal ice trays with lever
- Mimeograph paper
- Blue flashbulb
- Packards
- Roller skate keys
- Cork popguns
- Drive-ins
- Studebakers
- Wash tub wringers
- If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
- If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
- If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
- If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md
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This is a heads-up to those friends who haven't experienced it
yet ... ... and an explanation to those friends and family who have: Most of you have read the
scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on.
While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones
had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?
Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking! for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although
badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts
would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms
swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary.
My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning.
In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?
My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.
That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you?
I think I finally found my thighs... and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they
had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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