His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

"I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off!

About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency.

"And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time reinvesting my profits into buying more apples."

"Wow!" said the young man, "and that's how you accumulated your fortune?"

"Nah", said the old man, "my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved riding horses all our lives. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's horseback riding there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb!"

"Who is it ?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Barb - - it's me, Rose." "You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's horseback riding in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Even better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're scheduled to lead the trail ride up here next Tuesday."

... about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda...

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet . If we wanted to know something, we had to use the 12 year old set of encyclopedias we had at home or we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter....with a pen! We didn't have any of the fancy self stick stamps either, we had to lick them with our tongues and place them on the envelope. Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ's usually talked over the beginning and @#*% it all up! We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Pong" , 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire .. imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards, The over 30 Crowd

• Your back goes out more than you do.
• A fortune teller offers to read your face.
• You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
• You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.
• You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".
• You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."
• You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
• You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.
• The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.

The recent change that allows airline pilots to continue flying past age 60 has generated some interesting discussion.

The following rules for 'older' pilots were recently proposed at several major airlines:

1. All pants must fit and not be up in your armpits.
2. You must walk without shuffling your feet.
3. No Depends on the flight deck.
4. When using a toothpick, you must leave your teeth in your mouth.
5. If you need more than tri-focals, you are DONE! (period!)
6. No pictures of great-great-grandchildren.
7. Anytime you call the other guy "Sonny", he can hit you.
8. Never, ever mention AARP.
9. When in a restaurant with your crew, don't request the senior discount.
10. When checking into the overnight hotel, don't ask if the exercise room has shuffleboard.

• Where can men or women over the age of 60 find young, sexy members of the opposite sex who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore-- under fiction
• My wife is going through menopause. What can I do? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
• How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant.
• How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror? A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
• Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
• Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
• As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
• Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses? A: Their foreheads.
• What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "I remember these."
• What is the most frequent thought when going from one room to another? A: "What did I come here for?"

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago!

He said 'today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.'

The pastor shouted out 'cross.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'the old rugged cross.'

The pastor hollered out 'grace.' the congregation began to sing 'amazing grace, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'power.' the congregation sang 'there is power in the blood.'

The pastor said 'sex' the congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,

A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'precious memories.'

Gotta love little old ladies.

• Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like you really hung one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your children begin to look middle-aged.
• You join a health club and don't go.
• You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
• Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
• You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
• Dialing long distance wears you out.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

A woman in the waiting room, who had seen all this, rushed up to the little old lady and said,

"My God it's a miracle! I saw it with my own eyes.

You walked in nearly bent in half and now you're walking out of here, upright! What did the doctor do?"

"He gave me a longer cane."

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said,

"She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?", asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger!

Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"

Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"

"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.

The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

And ...

You are not sure these are jokes.