• You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
• You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
• You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
• You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"
• You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
• You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
• You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
• The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
• You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
• You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
• You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
• You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
• You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
• You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
• You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
• You answer to "The Man."
• You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
• You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
• You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
• You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
• You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
• When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
• You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
• You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
• You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
• Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
• You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
• You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
• You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
• You've ever called education a luxury.
• You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
• You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
• You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
• You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
• You're afraid of the liberal media."
• You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
• You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
• You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
• You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to New York."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from New York?"

The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of Hillary Clinton in the middle.

A thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups. Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time to settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady supply of it ordained the invention of agriculture. After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and unfairly, consigned actual cultivation to women. Men couldn't just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to home, and the brewery. This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led to the division of the species, which persists to this day.

Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the term "conservative") by spending their days in the open field in the dangerous pursuit of big game animals. At night they would roast their prey at a big barbecue, and afterwards sat around the fire drinking beer, passing wind and telling off color jokes.

Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible for the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy. Mostly, they sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and concocting elaborate schemes to "liberate" themselves from inequity (thus their designation as "liberals"). In the evening they gathered around their fire, nibbling on fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost feelings.

Today some liberals try to pretend they're really sort of conservative, and sometimes succeed in confusing people. The following are a few tips to use in distinguishing the two types:

By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life is unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most people are too stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high taxes allow liberals in government to do a better job of it.

Conservatives don't like government, and, aside from the military, wish it would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small cars. Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the incomparable John Wayne.

Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman, Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbara Streisand, Ted Turner and his former wife, the traitor Jane Fonda.

All conservatives drink beer - American beer. Some liberals like imported beer, but most prefer white wine or foreign water from a bottle. Liberals like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in socialist Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's un-American. Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it sucks up the gas.

Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like to barbecue.

Decorators are liberal. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat.

Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football players.

James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives. Michael Jackson and Milli Vanilli are liberals.

Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group therapists are liberals. Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers, and steeplejacks are conservatives.

Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police. Conservatives figure the defendant must be guilty or he wouldn't be on trial.

Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they would cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so. Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to boot.

Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened than Americans. Conservatives think they're basically decadent, as evidenced by their complete absence in wars.

Typical conservative movies are "Raising Arizona," "Patton," and "Conan the Barbarian." Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides," "Last Tango in Paris," and "The Big Chill."

The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides how much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make the race "fair." The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore conservative. A hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your Master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch hasn't been born yet."

and Sr. Wink's favorite . . .

• Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Wow our military is GREAT

... one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.

The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili."

The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time."

The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."

Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someon will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end."

The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberals call ME the aggressor?!?"

All eight of Saddam Hussein's body doubles were gathered in a bunker in downtown Baghdad.

Tariq Aziz, the Deputy Prime Minister, walked in and said, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have a job."

One of the doubles spoke up and said, "what's the bad news"?

"He's lost an arm."

... who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in WellingtonBronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.

Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.

All thing considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

Signed, Worried About My Reputation

A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."

The group became silent.

During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.