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| Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 14
"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of
flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno
"So the World Cup is over and now we can finally get back to our national pastime, which is not watching soccer." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished." --David Letterman
"Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all
three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are." --Stephen Colbert
"They're coming at us. And today, there was an explosion on the East Side of Manhattan. A big townhouse blew up. So I just want to say to North Korea and to al Qaeda,
'We'll blow our own (stuff) up. We don't need you.'." --Jon Stewart
"The senate has held hearings on President Bush's use of 'signing statements'. Do you know what that is? It's a proclamation which lets the president sign a bill and
limit what parts apply to him. The Democrats are acting like this is something new. It's not. It's the same thing Bill Clinton used when he signed his marriage license." --Jay Leno
"This week President Bush urged the Senate to give him line item veto power. Later the president said that line item veto power would be nice, but what he really wants
is X-ray vision." --Conan O'Brien
"What is it with Republicans and Viagra? First Bob Dole, he was doing the ads for Viagra. Now you got Rush Limbaugh. Say what you want about Bill Clinton, but the man
was always there to answer the call, ladies and gentlemen" --Jay Leno
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 13
"A few weeks after U.S. troops dropped two 500-pound surprises on al-Zarqawi, the White House dropped a 190-pound surprise on U.S. troops in the form of a presidential visit. Said the Iraqi
prime minister to the president, 'If I knew you were coming, I'd have built an infrastructure'" --Jon Stewart
"The White House planned the whole trip in total secrecy. The prime minister of Iraq was not told. The press was not told. Even President Bush was not told. In fact
when he got off the plane in Baghdad he said, 'Boy, Arizona is hot.'" --Jay Leno
"This is weird. The state of Texas has put webcams on the Mexican border so people can sit at their home computers and look for illegal aliens trying to cross into the
U.S. The website is free, but it costs $5 if you want the illegal aliens to talk dirty to you." --Conan O'Brien
"Here's something bizarre. This is absolutely true. They say when investigators were going through the rubble they found women's lingerie -- a leopard teddy. So
apparently al-Zarqawi's not only a member of al Qaeda, he was a member of al-Kinky." --Jay Leno
"The Iraqi terror mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead. Warm up the virgins. ... His successor is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer and if anything happens to that guy? Russell
Crowe." --David Letterman
"Last week the U.S. eliminated Iraq's number one terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. This week al Qaeda announced his successor, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. When asked why they
chose him, an al Qaeda spokesperson said, 'We have a lot of leftover stationary that says, From the Desk of Abu.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Al Gore has a movie about global warming. It's called An Inconvenient Truth. It's doing surprisingly well at the box office. Even though it's only playing on like 80
screens, it actually broke the 'Top Ten' list. I guess when you have charisma like Al Gore has, people flock to you" --Jimmy Kimmel
"In a recent interview, Al Gore's wife, Tipper, said she would support her husband if he decided to run for president again. And she said, 'There's no way I'm sitting
through his movie.'" --Conan O'Brien
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| Recent Quips from Late Night Take - 12
"The flooding was so bad in Washington that New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin called the president and said, 'You're on your own pal.'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush will not concede that global warming may have something to do with this crazy weather though he has been conducting all official business wearing
floaties." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The Census Bureau revealed today that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. The big difference between Las Vegas and D.C., of course, is that in
Las Vegas people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
"He hasn't been affected by the rain. He's been able to get around just fine on the presidential boogie board, Cowabunga One." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Have you seen these huge rain storms all the way from Minnesota to New York? Or as Al Gore is calling it, global leaking." --Jay Leno
"Rush Limbaugh was detained at Palm Beach International Airport today for alleged possession of prescription drugs that didn't have his name on them. The news reports
said he had prescriptions with two different doctors' names on them. One of the drugs was Viagra. Actually, the reason that he flies with Viagra is because if helps to prevent the person
sitting in front of him from reclining his seat too far back." --Jimmy Kimmel
"A 140 year-old tree on the White House grounds fell over. The minute the tree fell over President Bush wasted no time in blaming it on the New York Times." --Jay Leno
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| Recent Quips from Late Night Take - 11
"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, 'Si.'"
--Jay Leno
"A lot of sleazy politicians in the news today. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book where he says ... he used to cruise highway truck stops
looking to have sex with gay truckers. How many times have we seen this? Just another government official screwing a consumer at the gas pump." --Jay Leno
"Scientists now believe that they may be able to teach birds grammar. ... And if they succeed teaching grammar to the birds, they're going to try the same thing with
President Bush." --David Letterman
"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton ... said in her spare time what she likes to do is download iTunes. And, of course, we all know in his spare time, Bill likes to
download interns." --David Letterman
"The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California."
--Conan O'Brien
"The Pentagon announced today that Iraq's border is now 90% under control, which is pretty impressive when you realize San Diego's border is only 20% under control."
--Jay Leno
"Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? ...
Like God's thinking 60/40. ... Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the weather channel." --Jay Leno
"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64 to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s jive talk." --Tina
Fey
"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri
pants." --Tina Fey
"Many governors of northeastern states are unwilling to volunteer their National Guard troops to assist with President Bush's border plan. They want the Guard troops
doing what they do best: freaking people out at Amtrak stations." --Amy Poehler
"A Louisiana state Senate committee unanimously approved a ban on cock fighting, in what appears to be a first step in outlawing gay marriage" --Amy Poehler
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| Recent Quips from Late Night Take - 10
"The head of the Fraternal Order of Police said it took Patrick Kennedy 19 hours to come up with an official explanation. Which may sound bad, but it still beats his dad's record by two hours,
so it's pretty good." --Jay Leno
"This I a bit of a scandal. The police at the scene did not give him a sobriety test, and they gave him a ride home. I'm not saying he got special treatment, but they
also tucked him into bed and put a trash can next to it in case he had to throw up." --Bill Maher
"Kennedy blamed his seemingly intoxicated state after the car crash on his sleeping medication. I believe it's called Jagermeister." --Jay Leno
"The director of the CIA, Porter Goss, resigned, surprisingly. I guess on Friday he resigned. He said he wanted to spent more time giving bad intelligence to his
family." --David Letterman
"President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that." --Jay
Leno
[On Bush saying Porter Goss 'led ably'] "Ouch. That guy must have sucked. I mean f'gosh sakes, Mike Brown drowned New Orleans and he got 'heckuva job.' George Tenet
thought WMDs were a slam dunk. He got the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Led ably? I think the last guy who was said to have led ably was Gary Cherone when he took over Van Halen. You do not
want to be the poor man's Sammy Hagar." --Jon Stewart
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| Recent Quips from Late Night Take - 9
Hillary spoke today about her childhood. She said as a child her dream was to be an Olympic athlete but she wasn't athletic. Then she wanted to be an astronaut but NASA didn't accept women.
Then she wanted to be in medicine but hospitals make her woozy. Do you realize she's pretty much saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else?" --Jay Leno
"FEMA officials announced today that they are closing their New Orleans field office. A FEMA spokesman said, 'There's nothing left for us to do in New Orleans. Now
could someone please get my car out of that tree?'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to a study, one-third of America's youth can't find Louisiana on a map. Well hell, the federal government can't find Louisiana on a map" --David Letterman
"Anna Nicole Smith won her case in front of the Supreme Court. I think this is the first time that a bunch of old guys have given her something and lived to tell about
it." --Jay Leno
"A mild form of bird flu has been detected in New Jersey. Health officials said the bird flu was hard to detect, because in New Jersey, every bird coughs." --Conan
O'Brien
"As you know, today was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day here in Los Angeles... Here's my question, did Governor Schwarzenegger go to work today?" --Jay
Leno
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| Recent Quips from Late Night Take 8 "We estimate
that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem, but if they find a leader -- a Captain
Caveman, if you will -- we'll be facing an even more serious problem." --Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, on the dangers of global warming
"The president's mother, Barbara Bush, donated tax deductible money to the Katrina Relief. ... Now we find out the specific instructions -- that the money be spent for educational software
owned by her son, Neil. Because who can forget those tragic images of the poor black people on the rooftops in New Orleans holding up signs that said, 'Send educational software.'" --Bill
Maher
"Did you hear about this? According to a recent poll, three out of five Americans believe George W. Bush should be impeached. And when he heard that, the president said, 'Cool, I love
peaches.'" --David Letterman
"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's
being doing." --Jon Stewart
"Today is also the third anniversary of the Iraq war. So far so good! Whatever happened to that mission accomplished thing? I think now the only way to get rid of the Iraq war is to put it on
NBC."
"[Bush] is committed to one thing, he's going to disarm Iran, he's going to disarm Korea, and he's going to disarm Cheney." --David Letterman
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| Recent Quips from Late Night Take 7 "Today is tax
day. Which is a nice change of pace. We can skip one day of getting screwed at the gas pump to get screwed by the IRS." --Jay Leno
"The White House annual Easter egg hunt is this weekend. The kids, this year, have some extra help because President Bush came out on the lawn and leaked the location of the eggs." --David
Letterman
"That shows the difference between administrations - Bush can't control his generals; where as Clinton could never control his privates." --Jay Leno
"Trouble at my house this weekend. Mom got liquored up and started reading from the gospel of Judas." --David Letterman
"A French woman is attempting to become the first person ever to windsurf across the Indian Ocean. It will be the first stunt like this since 2004 when John Kerry windsurfed his way out of the
presidency" --Amy Poehler
"Former President Clinton was giving a speech in Washington, D.C. and someone in the crowd yelled out, 'We miss you.' I should mention that Clinton was giving the speech in the champagne room
at Crazy Girls." --Conan O'Brien
"It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman
"They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every year. Remember in the last election when the Democrats
claimed there was two Americas? Turns out one of them was Mexico." --Jay Leno
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| Recent Quips from Late Night Take 6 Today
an intruder made it on to the front lawn of the White House when President Bush was home. He was apprehended by the secret service. The Secret Service says this is the fourth time the man
jumped over the White House fence. We want to build along the entire Mexico border...we can't keep people out of the White House!" --Jay Leno
"CBS has replaced Bob Schiefer with Katie Couric. Bob is gone so I am now the dullest man on CBS." --David Letterman
"Congratulations to Hugh Hefner who turned 80 years old over the weekend. One of his girlfriends told reporters he was like the creepy grandfather she never had. Hugh's
at that awkward age. Too young to retire, too old to be dating any of those women." --Jay Leno
"Tonight a new version of 'The Ten Commandments' was shown right here on CBS. In this updated version Moses parts two cowboys." --David Letterman
"The scandal of the week for the White House is that Dick Cheney's main man Scooter Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I
find that hard to believe, that President Bush is allowed to see classified information." --Bill Maher
"The Senate failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to
remain, while those who have been here between two years and five years would have to leave, but could return as guest workers. And immigrants here less than two years will be right back with
your entrees." --Tina Fey
"President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati's great American ball park. Eighteen Iraqis were killed." --Amy Poehler
"In a speech President Bush accidentally referred to the Senate immigration bill as the Senate energy bill. Afterwards, the president apologized for his mistake and
reminded everyone to support our brave troops in Norway." --Conan O'Brien
"Hurricane season is less than two months away. There's no joke here. I just wanted to give FEMA a heads up." --Jay Leno
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| Recent Quips from Late Night Take 5 "We
estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem, but if they find a leader -- a
Captain Caveman, if you will -- we'll be facing an even more serious problem." --Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, on the dangers of global warming
"The president's mother, Barbara Bush, donated tax deductible money to the Katrina Relief. ... Now we find out the specific instructions -- that the money be spent for
educational software owned by her son, Neil. Because who can forget those tragic images of the poor black people on the rooftops in New Orleans holding up signs that said, 'Send educational
software.'" --Bill Maher
"Did you hear about this? According to a recent poll, three out of five Americans believe George W. Bush should be impeached. And when he heard that, the president
said, 'Cool, I love peaches.'" --David Letterman
"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes
what a great job he's being doing." --Jon Stewart
"Today is also the third anniversary of the Iraq war. So far so good! Whatever happened to that mission accomplished thing? I think now the only way to get rid of the
Iraq war is to put it on NBC."
"[Bush] is committed to one thing, he's going to disarm Iran, he's going to disarm Korea, and he's going to disarm Cheney." --David Letterman
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| Recent Quips from Late Night Take 4 "Immigration
was the big issue of the week. Bush was in Cancun promoting his new video, 'Foreign Policy Gone Wild.'" --Bill Maher
"President Bush was greeted by protestors wearing President Bush masks. The president was overheard saying, 'I don't know who those people are, but their faces look familiar.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Saturday is April Fool's Day and President Bush ... has a great April Fool's joke planned. He's going to put out that old 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --David Letterman
"President Bush is back from his Mexican trip. While he was in Mexico, the people were very nice to him. A lot of people greeted him with the only English phrases they knew: 'Welcome to
Wal-Mart. Can I help you?'" --Jay Leno
"It's absolutely workable. Just think about Elian Gonzalez, how easy that was. Now just times that by 11 million." --Jon Stewart, on deporting illegal immigrants
"In a speech yesterday, President Bush told the Iraqi people to 'get governin'. Then he introduced his new speech writer, Larry the Cable Guy." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is in Cancun, the only president I know that takes Spring Break." --David Letterman
"The biggest surprise of the election: it was the lowest voter turnout ever. A dismal 63.2%. That's the lowest turn-out they've ever had. You know we shouldn't be bringing democracy to the
Middle East, they should be bringing it to us" --Jon Stewart, on the Israeli election
"Andrew Card has spent the last five years managing the Bush White House as the ratings have steadily declined. Given that experience, today he was hired by NBC." --Jay Leno
"Here now a list of requirements for Dick Cheney's 'downtime suite': He wants bottled water. He wants decaffeinated coffee. He wants an ice bucket. He wants ammo. ... Cheney wants bottled
water, decaffeinated coffee. He wants his lights on. He wants the temperature at 68 degrees, the TV's must be tuned to Fox news. I was thinking, 'My God, I wish they would have put this much
preparation into the Iraqi War'" --David Letterman
"Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet President Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down together and talk face-to-face. President Bush talking to Jessica Simpson?
That should be a real no-brainer." --Jay Leno
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Recent Quips from Late Night Take 3
- "New rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart." --Bill Maher
- According to a new survey by the Pew Research Center, Republicans are happier than Democrats. Well of course they are, they own everything." --Jay Leno
- Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approve a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high
that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than
Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on
Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel
- Ireland's Prime Minister was at the White House. He presented the president with a bowl of shamrocks. And in return, Bush handed over his traditional gift to other
nations, nuclear technology." --Bill Maher
- President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Ireland, who gave him the traditional bowl of shamrocks. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'Where
are the pink hearts and yellow moons?'" --Conan O'Brien
- More bad news for President Bush, his approval rating now dropped again, now at 33%. I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that.
I'll give you an idea of how bad Bush's approval rating is, today he got turned down by Di-Tech." --Jay Leno
- I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of interest payments. Good news today out of Washington.
They haven't paid down the debt or come up with any program to do so. What they did is raise the limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion. It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you
getting an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to K. Then your F looks like a C." --Jon Stewart
- The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I
don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!" --Jay Leno
- Bush's former domestic policy advisor Claude Allen, he's now charged with defrauding department stores. And when Bush heard about this he was stunned, he was
shocked. He had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser." --David Letterman
- In front of a crowd in Florida this past weekend, Al Gore said that, "The people of the United States are going to stand up and take our country back." And then the
manager of the karaoke bar took the microphone away and said, "Either sing or sit down buddy." --Jay Leno
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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 2
- The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it
over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!" --Jay Leno
- "Snap! Censure! A moral condemnation of the president so severe it's only happened once before to President Andrew Jackson, who was never heard from again. Oh, wait
[picture of the $20 bill]." --Jon Stewart, on Sen. Russ Feingold's motion to censure President Bush
- "First Lady Laura Bush said she started exercising when she married President Bush because it was already part of his lifestyle. Isn't that nice? Yeah, that also
explains why she stopped reading." --Conan O'Brien
- "In a remarkable speech over the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended that Americans store canned tuna and powdered milk under
their beds for when bird flu hits. What? This ranks right up there with "duck and cover" during a nuclear attack. In case of radiation wear a hat. Powdered milk and tuna? How many would
rather have the bird flu?" --Jay Leno
- "It was the same old script. The president said, Hey, let's take the time to gather the evidence and discuss this reasonably. And the electorate said No, our mind is
made up in advance. Even an ask questions first, shoot later type like Bush is no match for fear mongers who try to relate everything to the war on terror. And you know who you are, everyone
but the president." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry
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Recent Quips from Late Night
- The video tape that everybody is talking about this week is the one of President Bush ... being warned by federal disaster officials repeatedly the
day before Katrina struck. They're constantly saying to him it's going to happen and he doesn't ask a single question. I think it's a shame the president's performance was too late for this
year's Oscars because, usually when you play a retarded guy, you're going to win." --Bill Maher
- Earlier today on his visit to Pakistan, President Bush mistakenly called Pakistan an Arab country instead of a Muslim country. Then he said, 'Good thing no one over
here takes that stuff seriously'" --Conan O'Brien
- We went through the files and found an old classic Bill Clinton in India joke. ... President Clinton is visiting India and today and he rode an elephant. I believe
it's the biggest thing he's mounted that didn't get him impeached." --David Letterman
- This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the
mountains." --Tina Fey
- This week President Bush's approval rating hit an all-time low of 34%. To improve this rating, the administration is going to adopt an adorable and precocious little
black kid." --Amy Poehler
- President Bush says Osama bin Laden actually helped him defeat John Kerry in the election. Too bad Bush can't find bin Laden to thank him personally." --Jay Leno
- According to a new poll, only one in four Americans can name two of the five freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment. But more than half of Americans can name at
least two of the characters on The Simpson's. Hey, if they ran the Constitution on TV eight times a day, we'd know it." --Jimmy Kimmel
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