• The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
• People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
• The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
• Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
• A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
• The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
• In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
• Baptism is referred to as "branding".
• There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
• Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
• High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
• People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
• The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
• The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
• The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
• Instead of bell, your called to service by a duck call.
• They serve beef jerky on important occasions.
• The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
• The service wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
• Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
• The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?

• "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
• "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
• "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
• "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
• "This'll jar your preserves."
• "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
• "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
• "Gooder than grits."
• "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
• "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
• "Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
• "A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
• "When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
• "If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
• "A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."
• "She's uglier than homemade soap."
• "Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."
• "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
• "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
• "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
• "I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit."

The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"And what are their names?" he asked.

"Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and Bob."

"They're ALL named Bob?" he asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she explained, "I just call 'Bob,' and they all come running inside."

"And if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'Bob, come eat your dinner,' and they do." She answered.

"But what if you want just ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name."

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

• You measure distance in minutes.
• You know several people who have hit a deer.
• Stores don't have shopping carts, they have buggies
• You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
• All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal (including pesky insects).
• You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked (and your car as well).
• You carry jumper cables in your car .... for your own car.
• You own only 4 spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Duke's mayo.
• You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
• The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for sports.
• You think the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
• There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1,000 or more.
• Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as "goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World"
• You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
• A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop......... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
• You recognize that cheese grits and catfish nuggets is a meal that must have been bestowed upon the people by the Lord Himself.
• You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour and water (a delicacy known as "biscuits 'n gravy").

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

• Benign - What you be after you be eight
• Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
• Barium - What you do with dead folks
• Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome
• Catscan - Searching for the cat
• Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
• Colic - A sheep dog
• Coma - A punctuation mark
• D&C - Where Washington is
• Dilate - To live longer than your kids do
• Enema - Not a friend
• Fester - Quicker than someone else
• Fibula - A small lie
• GI Series - World Series of military baseball
• Hangnail - What you hang your coat on
• Hospital - The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse, or Franks lumber mill
• Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work
• Morbid - A higher offer than I bid
• Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake
• Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates
• Node - I knew it
• Outpatient - A person who has fainted
• Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
• Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
• Post Operative - A letter carrier
• Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
• Secretion - Hiding something
• Seizure - Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section
• Tablet - A small table to change babies on
• Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the train station
• Tumor - More than one
• Urine - Opposite of mine
• Varicose - Near by

... were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."

The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "O.K., now what?"

. . .when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yuh know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you said to go to Tahiti, and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

The passenger, Bubba, said; "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?," asked Bubba. 

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put labelon each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were called for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Daryl looked and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the body's identity. Gomer was then brought in to identify the body.

Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked," How can you tell?"

Gomer said," Well, Bubba had two ass."

"What? He had two ass?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two ass."

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although your whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

. . . when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady a few bar

stools down turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum burger too fast.

The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we awtta' he'p?"

"I reckon," said the second hick.

So the first hillbilly got up, walked over to the lady and asked "Kin ya' breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin ya' speak?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the fanny. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that thar' Hind Lick Maneuver works ev'r' time."