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| The Pastor was
preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going ask the congregation ... ... to come up with money for the
repairs of their church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know
what to play.
"Here’s a copy of the service" he said impatiently, "but you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, ”Brothers & Sisters, we are in great difficulty, the repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and
we need more. Any of you who can pledge $1000 or more, please stand up.
At that moment, the substitute played, “The Star Spangled Banner”
The substitute immediately became became the regular organist!
Submitted by Elaine, Emmitsburg, MD.
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| A man walked into the ladies' department
of a Dillard's Department Store ... ... and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Baptist," said the man. "She said get a Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant."
"Ah yes, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, or the
Presbyterian type."
Confused, the man asked, "What's the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple... the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian
type keeps them staunch and upright. Then there's the Baptist type."
"What does that do?" asked the man.
She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."
Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va.
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| There were two Roman Catholic boys,
Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola ... ... whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland,
Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their priestly careers have come to amaze the world, but it
was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least,
and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see
who they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope. Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated
because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With a gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?'
After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear
the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
Submitted by Sr. Wink, The Bronx, Ny.
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| Sisters of St. Francis house of Prostitution
While driving down the road, a man sees the following sign: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution prostitution 10 miles
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......soon he sees another sign, which says: St. Francis House of
Prostitution 5 miles
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....then he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution
next right
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....on the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading: S isters of St. Francis
He climbs the steps and rings the bell....the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....he
answers, "i saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." ....he is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....the nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, please knock on this door".............
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....this nun instructs, "please place $100 in the cup, then
go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway"....... He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.....
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........ as the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in
the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of St. Francis . Serves you right, you sinner.
Submitted by Jessica
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Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife
- Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
- Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
- Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
- Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
- Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
- Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
- Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the
woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
- Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)
- Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
- Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
- When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply
say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
- Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though=). - David (2 Samuel 11)
- Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
- Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
- A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi...
...all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt
to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
proclaimed, "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle...we dunk! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's holy word! But that bear wanted nothing to
do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's holy word, and praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of
him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Oi, you fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers.
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, MD
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| A minister decided to do something a little
different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach".
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.
The pastor shouted out, "Cross."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross".
The pastor hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "Power". The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood.
The Pastor said "Sex." The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden from way in the back of the church a little 87 year old grandmother stood up! and began to sing..... "Precious Memories."
Submitted by Pat, Clear Lake, Va.
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| Nuns at a baseball game Men sitting behind a
couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view). Three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah; there are only 100 nuns there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to hell...... there aren't any nuns there."
Submitted by Lisa, Libertytown, MD.
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| Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved
him very much.
Being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked with him the first few days, but he
came home one day telling her he did not want her walking him to school every day. He wanted to be like "big boys." He protested so loudly that she had to find another way to handle it.
She asked her neighbor Nancy if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school at a distance, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Nancy said that,
since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise so she agreed. The next school day, Nancy and her little girl set out behind Timmy as he
walked to school with his friend Ronnie. This went on for a whole week. Timmy's friend noticed that this same lady was following them every day. Finally Ronnie asked Timmy, "Have you noticed
that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
Ronnie asked, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest an' her little girl Marcy," Timmy said.
Ronnie inquired further, "Well, why does she follow us every day like that?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night Momma makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer says, 'Shirley
Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.' So, I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
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| One day God was
looking down at Earth and saw all of the inappropriate behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for
a time.
When that angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased.
So while he was debating what to do about the 95%, He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them -- give them a little something to help them
keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
I didn't get one either.
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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| A small town had three churches:
Presbyterian, Methodist, and Catholic ... All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church building and each, in its own fashion,
had a meeting to deal with the problem.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at
the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.
The Catholics had the best solution. They baptized and confirmed the squirrels. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Submitted by Max, Bethany, Tx.
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Father O'Malley answers the phone: "Hello, is this Father
O'Malley?"
"It is"
This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa
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| Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said: "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her:, -"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You
can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said:, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food, "said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
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| A Letter from Grandma Dear Friend,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had
changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO!
GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny
way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was
enjoying this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted
to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I
was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down,
leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love, Grandma
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md
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| A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one
Sunday morning, ...which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of
eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning".
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give
to my minister".
Submitted by Patty
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| There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an
atheist.
Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know
there isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But
she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. AS USUAL, the
atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph. I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid
in the bushes to see what she would do.
When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere!
The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"
Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was.
She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"
Submitted by Patty, Ringos, NJ.
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