• Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
• Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
• Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
• There's no such thing as too much candy.
• All work and no play can make you a basket case.
• A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
• Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
• Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
• Some body parts should be floppy.
• Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
• Good things come in small-sugarcoated packages.
• The grass is greener in someone else's basket.
• An Easter bonnet can cover the wildest hare.
• To show your true colors, you have to come out of your shell.
• The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

• "Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
• "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
• "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
• "Talk about a huge breast!"
• "It's Cool Whip time!"
• "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
• "Are you ready for seconds yet?"
• "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
• "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
• "Don't play with your meat."
• "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
• "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
• "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
• "You still have a little bit on your chin."
• "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
• "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
• "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
• "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
• "How many are coming?"
• "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
• "Just lay back & take it easy... I'll do the rest."
• "How long do I beat it before it's ready

1. Go buy a turkey.
2. Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) or Jack Daniels.
3. Put turkey in the oven.
4. Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
5. Set the degree at 375 ovens
6. Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
7. Turn oven the on.
8. Take 4 whisks of drinky.
9. Turk the bastey.
10. Whiskey another bottle of get.
11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12. Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14. Take the oven out of the turkey.
15. Take the oven out of the turkey.
16. Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
17. Turk the carvey.
18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out

He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm.

Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

• I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
• I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
• When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
• I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
• I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
• I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
• I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
• I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
• I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
• When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
• I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
• No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
• I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
• I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
• I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
• I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Resolution #1:

• 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
• 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
• 2001: I will read 5 books a year.
• 2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
• 2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
• 2004: I will read at least one article this year.
• 2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
• 2006: I will scan the headlines on the front page this year.
• 2007: I will bring the newspaper in from the lawn this year.

Resolution #2:

• 1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
• 2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
• 2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
• 2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
• 2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
• 2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
• 2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
• 2006: I will buy clothes that fit, but without too much room to grow.
• 2007: I will finish the chocolate.

Resolution #3:

• 1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
• 2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
• 2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
• 2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
• 2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
• 2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
• 2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.

Resolution #4:

• 2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
• 2003: I will not leave Marge.
• 2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
• 2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #5:

• 2002: I will stop looking at other women.
• 2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
• 2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
• 2005: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #6:

• 2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
• 2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
• 2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
• 2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #7:

• 2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
• 2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
• 2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
• 2005: I will not speak to Charlie.

Resolution #8:

• 2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
• 2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
• 2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
• 2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #9:

• 2002: I will see my dentist this year.
• 2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
• 2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
• 2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10:

• 2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
• 2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
• 2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
• 2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May New Year's Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance - and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked

her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls," she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added

"Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy."

I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.

"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well..."

I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?" Well I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once?

"Oh, well...um..." I stammered.

She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag.

"I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?"

I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.

There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it - and I did - she got over her pique.

That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky.

Every year I remember that conversation.

And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

Happy Thanksgiving.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white
But I fought the temptation with all of my might

Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump,

May your yams be delicious may your pies take the prize,
May your thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

My big brother Tom took me out on the stoop.

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I just had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of horrors... .come late in November.;

"Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll
get six meals instead of just three,

And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, And
you'll grow a big rubbery thing on your chin;

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
the farm wife comes in and hacks off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're all bald
'n pink, And scoop out your innerds right there in the
sink;

"And then comes the worst part" he said...... I'm not
bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks wide n' pack your
rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I
sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'm
gonna lay low to remain overlooked

I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage
salads, carrot juice,... diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolate, and crepes, I
stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And
act like i'm sick when the bigger birds laughed;

for 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they
chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when late November rolled around, I was
the last turkey left walking around......

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't
a worry, so I eat...... and I nap;

She holds me all day, while sewing and humming, And
smiles at me, and says: "Christmas is coming"