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Murphy on Work
- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to
IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- People are always available for work in the past tense.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- The more of it you put up with, the more of it you're going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.
- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
- The longer the title, the less important the job.
- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
- An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
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| Employee Placement Method
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective
employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see
what they are doing.
- If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
- If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
- If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
- If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
- If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
- If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
- If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
- If they've left early, put them in Sales.
- And if they're all bullying each other, they're Management material
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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Worker's Reality
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- "One 'Oh Spit' wipes out years of 'Atta Boys'" are words to live by.
- You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
- Appearance is more important than substance.
- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
- There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to prepare a briefing on it.
- Art involves a white board and dry markers.
- The suspense you were just assigned was late when you received it and you are required to justify why.
- Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
- Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and co-equals sitting right on the other side of the
partition...communication is a continuing problem.
- You know and everyone that works with you knows your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating.
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| The Commanding Officer of a Marine Corps Regiment...
... was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir,
it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was ANY work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL
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| The Center for Disease Control has issued a
medical alert about a highly contagious... ..., potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted
orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload
Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the
nearest grocery store and purchase one or both
of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been
completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.
Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.
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How To Simulate A 6 Month Navy Cruise
- Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
- Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
- Repaint your entire house every month.
- Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the
water while you soap down.
- Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
- Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
- Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.
- Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back door so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
- Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
- On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and
Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
- Raise your bed to within 6" of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
- Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a
flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
- Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
- Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout &n
- bsp; "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
- Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
- Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.
- Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.
- Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
- Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
- When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. (Now general
quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations.)
- Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
- Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the
kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
- Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
- Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
- Set your alarm clock to go off at r andom during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck
your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
- Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
- Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into
the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
- Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst.
January is a good time.
- When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of
stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
- For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
- Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
- Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
- Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
- Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty. At the
end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.
Some additional thoughts.
- #6. Ensure that you burn some diesel so that sweet aroma wafts through your house (and to your neighbors!). Then run a ventilation drill where the diesel
exhaust dumps into the house. Have all family members done EABs and rate their performance while you wear a red ball cap and write furiously on a steno pad (aka "wheel book").
- #11. Install a reading lamp so you bang your head (leaving a wonderful grill imprint on your forehead!) if you suddenly awake.
- #13. In addition, establish a qual program. Ensure that the qual pace is extremely aggressive so you can yell "dink" at your family members and tell them
they can't watch movies while off-duty
Submitted by Navy Nuke Bill, Los Vegas, Nevada
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| Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in
strenuous activities... ... that do not require physical exercise.
- Beating around the bush - 75
- Jumping to conclusions - 100
- Climbing the walls - 150
- Swallowing your pride - 50
- Passing the buck - 25
- Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300
- Dragging your heels - 100
- Pushing your luck - 250
- Making mountains out of molehills - 500
- Hitting the nail on the head - 50
- Wading through paperwork - 300
- Bending over backwards - 75
- Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
- Balancing the books - 25
- Running around in circles - 350
- Eating crow - 225
- Tooting your own horn - 25
- Climbing the ladder of success - 750
- Pulling out the stops - 75
- Adding fuel to the fire --160
- Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
- Opening a can of worms - 50
- Putting your foot in your mouth - 300
- Starting the ball rolling - 90
- Going over the edge - 25
- Picking up the pieces after - 350
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| The heaviest element known to science
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery in
2006 of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named Governmentium.
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of
Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but
twice as many morons
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
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| It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals... ... throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Try Saying...
- I think you might benefit with more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
- She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
- Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
- I'm fairly certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f____kin way.
- Really? You don't Say! INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
- Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
- I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___kin problem.
- 9 I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
- I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner?
- He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
- Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
- So, I take it that you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
- I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.
- I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
- I so love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
- You saying you wish me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?
- At times, he's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's always been a pr_ck.
Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| A woman calls her boss one morning ...
...and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
I can't see my ass coming into work today.
Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Md.
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- There is no "I" in "teamwork"...But there is in "management kiss-up".
- If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
- The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
- If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
- We put the "k" in "kwality".
- 2 days without a human rights violation.
- Your job is STILL better than asking "You want fries with that?".
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Job Placement Aptitude Test
Put 400 bricks in a closed room. Put your new hires in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. Then analyze the situation:
- If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
- If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
- If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
- If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
- If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
- If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
- If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
- If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
- If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
- If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
- If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
- If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
- Finally! If they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor hear what you say to them. Put them in Congress!
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| A salesman dropped in to see a business customer.
Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on
him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Top Ten Reasons to Ask Your Boss For A Raise
- You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
- The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
- Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
- You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
- You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
- All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
- You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
- You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests.
- You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
- You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A businessman was in a great deal of trouble.
His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort
he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach
chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest
on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink
coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
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| Last will & testament of a farmer
I Leave:
- To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
- To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.
- To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
- To my neighbor: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
- To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.
- To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.
- To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.
- To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.
- To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough.
And lastly
- To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Excuses for Not Coming to Work
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One
day should do it.
- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all my guns today.
- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Kroger.
- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
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| This technician's company uses satellite communications ...
... to send and receive messages from tugboats moving barges up and down major rivers. Each day, by 2 p.m., the tugboats send data on the day's activities to the
company's traffic department.
At least that's how it's supposed to work.
"I got a call from our traffic department saying they only got data from about half the boats, and would I check on it?" technician says.
He calls the satellite company, but the technician there says there's no problem on his end.
Meanwhile, the traffic department calls again -- they're still not getting messages from the missing boats.
"So I called the boats and got them to re-send the messages, and they came through," says our tech. "The problem apparently cleared itself up."
But he isn't quite satisfied. "I called the satellite company back to see what happened, and what we could do if the problem recurred."
Satellite company's technician doesn't know what happened and doesn't have any way of finding out. "In order to track the messages, we would need an identification number from the message," he
tells our tech.
We could find out those numbers eventually, he figures.
"Also, the identification numbers are recycled every half hour," tech continues.
"So I need to get you the identification number within that time?" he asks.
"Right", says the satellite tech.
"So to summarize," says our tech glumly, "we need to give you the identification numbers of the messages we haven't received, within half an hour of not receiving them?"
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