Employer Talk

• "Entry-level Position": You'll be making under $7 an hour.
• "Entry-level Position in an Up-and-coming Company": You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
• "An Up-and-coming Software Company": We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
• "Profit-sharing Plan": Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
• "Competitive Salary": We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• "Join Our Fast-paced Company": We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
• "Nationally Recognized Leader": Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
• "Immediate Opening": The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
• "Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-starter": We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
• "Self-motivated": Management won't answer questions
• "We Offer Great Benefits": After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
• "Pension/retirement Benefits": After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
• "Seeking Enthusiastic, Fun, Hard Working, People": ...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
• "Casual Work Atmosphere": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
• "Competitive Environment": We have a lot of turnover.
• "Exciting And Professional Work Environment": Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
• "Join Our Dynamic Team": We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
  "Fun Work Environment": Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
• "A Drug-free Work Environment": We booze it up at company parties.
• "Must Be Deadline Oriented": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• "Some Public Relations Required": If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
• "Some Overtime Required": Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• "Salary Range $24k-$32k": We'll offer you $22k to start.
• "A Highly Visible Position": You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
• "Flexible Hours": Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
• "Duties Will Vary": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• "Where Employees Feel Valued": Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
• "Must Have an Eye for Detail": We have no quality control.
• "College Degree Preferred": Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English, or religion.
• "No Phone Calls Please": We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• "Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience": You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
• "Problem-solving Skills a Must": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• "Requires Team Leadership Skills": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• "Good Communication Skills": Management communicates; you listen and figure out what they want.
• "Ability to Handle a Heavy Workload": You whine, you're fired.
• "Aspirations for Growth Within Our Company": We loooooove brown-nosers.

Applicant Speak

• "I Know How to Deal with Stressful Situations": I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
• "I Seek a Job That Will Draw upon My Strong Communication & Organizational Skills": I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
• "I'm Extremely Adept at All Manner of Office Organization": I've used Microsoft Office.
• "I'm Honest, Hard-working and Dependable": I pilfer office supplies.
• "My Pertinent Work Experience Includes": I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
• "I Take Pride in My Work": I blame others for my mistakes.
• "I'm Balanced and Centered": I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
• "I Have a Sense of Humor": I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
• "I'm Personable": I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• "I'm Willing to Relocate": As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
• "I'm Extremely Professional": I carry a Day-Timer.
• "My Background and Skills Match Your Requirements": You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
• "I Am Adaptable": I've changed jobs a lot.
• "I Am on the go": I'm never at my desk.
• "I'm Highly Motivated to Succeed": The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
• "I Have Formal Training": I'm a college drop-out.
• "I Interact Well with Co-workers": I've been accused of sexual harassment.
• "Thank You for Your Time and Consideration": Wait! Don't throw me away!
• "I Look Forward to Hearing from You Soon": Like I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

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Lesson 1: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 2:: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: 'BS' might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 3: When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the ass spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the ass went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ass should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any ass will do.

Lesson 4: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons: 1 - Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy. 2- Not everyone who gets you out of deep doo doo is your friend. 3- And when you're in deep in it, keep your mouth shut!

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.
 

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. . . In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the other apes are sprayed with cold water.

If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new
ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which had been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

Sound familiar?

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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• Management Speak: That's very interesting.
  Translation: I disagree.
   
• Management Speak: I don't totally disagree with you.
  Translation: You may be right, but I don't care.
   
• Management Speak: You have to show some flexibility.
  Translation: You have to do it whether you want to or not.
  
• Management Speak: We have an opportunity.
  Translation: You have a problem.
   
• Management Speak: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
  Translation: This is awful.
   
• Management Speak: Help me to understand.
  Translation: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.
   
• Management Speak: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
  Translation: We're going to do it my way.
   
• Management Speak: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary? 
  Translation: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.
   
• Management Speak: We have to leverage our resources.
  Translation: You're working weekends.
   
• Management Speak: Your project is on hold.
  Translation: We've put a bullet in it.
   
• Management Speak: You needed to be more proactive.
  Translation: You should have protected me from myself.
   
• Management Speak: I'd like your buy-in on this.
  Translation: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.
   
• Management Speak: We have to put on our marketing hats.
  Translation: We have to put ethics aside.
   
• Management Speak: It's a no-brainer.
  Translation: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.
   
• Management Speak: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
  Translation: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.
   
• Management Speak: There are larger issues at stake.
  Translation: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.
   
• Management Speak: I'll never lie to you.
  Translation: The truth will change frequently.
  
• Management Speak: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
  Translation: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
   

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1. You! Off my planet!!
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-arsed opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. Stress is when you wake up screaming, and you realize you weren't asleep.
14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away.
16. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 17. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.
20. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
21. Earth is full. Go home.
22. Is it time for your medication or mine?
23. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
24. How do I set a laser printer to stun.
25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
26. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
27. Your village called, their idiot is missing.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
 

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1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance-level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

Amazing Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.
 

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However, in modern enterprises, because the objectives of management are often illogically focused on the performance of a particular horse rather than rationally on the completion of the journey, other strategies sometimes have to be tried, including, but not limited to the following:

• Buying a stronger whip.
• Changing riders.
• Threatening the horse with termination.
• Appointing a committee to study the horse.
• Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
• Lowering the standards to include dead horses.
• Appointing an intervention team to re-animate the dead horse.
• Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share.
• Re-classify the dead horse as living-impaired.
• Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead"
• Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
• Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
• Process map the current and future route of the dead horse.
• Introduce a conformance policy which clearly indicates accountability of riders for the health of their horses.
• Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
• Introduce an incentive scheme to encourage dead horses to run faster.
• Declare that a dead horse has a lower overhead and, therefore, performs better.
• Form a quality focus group to find ways of improving the efficiency of dead horses.
• Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
• Promote the dead horse to a management position.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.
 

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• times gives you job security.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
• Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
• If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
• Plagiarism saves time.
• If at first you don't succeed, try management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
• We waste time, so you don't have to.
• Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
• Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
• A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
• When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
• INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
• Succeed in spite of management.
• Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

Submitted by Dan, Baltimore, Md.

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