and leading a bull in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, then he turns and shoots the bull and just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and is leading another bull in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian says, "Me in training for Executive Management job. Drink coffee, shoot the bull, and disappear for rest of the day."

• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
• "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I've never quit a job."
• "Marital status: often. Children: various."
• Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every
• morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
• "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
• "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc.

A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground, lays it down and then measures it easily.

As he leaves, one engineer says to the other, "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

 Ingredients:

• 532.35 cm3 gluten
• 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
• 4.9 cm3 refined halite
• 236 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
• 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
• 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
• 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
• Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein ovoids 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10. 236 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation.

Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).

Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.  "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the

next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're STAFF.

• When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
• Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
• Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
• Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
• Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
• Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
• Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
• Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
• Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
• Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
• Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
• Ask, "Did you feel that?"
• Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
• When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
• Swat at flies that don't exist.
• Tell people that you can see their aura.
• Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
• Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
• Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
• Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Read More Sure fire ways to annoy fellow passengers in an elevator ...

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years .. say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location. I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked awhile.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today.
In clean white coats to take me away!!!

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" cries the admin clerk.

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old

times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're STAFF.

Then I worked in the woods as lumberjack, but I just could not hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. My next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job as working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So I retired and found I am perfect for the job.