1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss --and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the casual observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want you to DO work for THEM.

That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during the lunch hour. That way, you're regarded as hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is 'Ignore my last message. I took care of it.' If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, 'Sorry, this mailbox is full' a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• It doesn't matter what you do. It only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• You can go anywhere if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans on the floor of your car when your boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of happy hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all of the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. Like reading this.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of the person is inversely proportional to the number of pens the person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

• Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
• Active socially: Drinks heavily.
• Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
• Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
• Average: Not too bright.
• Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
• Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
• Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
• Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
• Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
• Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
• Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
• Deserves promotion: Create new title to make him feel appreciated.
• Displays excellent intuitive judgment: Knows when to disappear.
• Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
• Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
• Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
• Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
• Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
• Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
• Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
• Happy: Paid too much.
• Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
• Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
• Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
• Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
• Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
• Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
• Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
• Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
• Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
• Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
• Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
• Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
• Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
• Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
• Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
• Should go far: Please.
• Slightly below average: Stupid.
• Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
• Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
• Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
• Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
• Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
• Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
• Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
• Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
• Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
• Well organized: Does too much busywork.
• Will go far: Relative of management.
• Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money

• "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
• "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
• "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
• "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am a rabid typist."
• "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
• "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
• "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
• "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
• "Qualifications: No education or experience."
• "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
• Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

• Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.
• Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.
• Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.
• Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.
• Master teachers can eat faster than that.
• Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.
• Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.
• Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to him, "Try doing it with the engine running."

• The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
• Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
• High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
• If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
• Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
• If you have 'cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
• If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
• Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
• If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on 'Eyewitness News'.
• When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
• If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
• You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
• On any call, there will always be more 'bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
• The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
• Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
• You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer".
• If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.