Father Christmas: An
Engineer's Perspective
- There are approximately 2 billion
children in the world. Since Santa does not visit Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist children, this reduces the workload
to 15 per cent of the total, or 378 million. At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108
million homes.
- Thanks to the different time zones
and the rotation of the earth, Santa has about 31 hours to
work with. This works out to 967.7 visits per second and a
total trip of 75.5 million miles. So Santa's sleigh has to
move at 650 miles per second.
- Assuming that each child gets only a
medium-sized Lego set (2lb), the sleigh is carrying more than
500,000 tons. A reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even if
the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times that, Santa would
need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload another
54,000 tons.
- 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles
per second creates enormous air resistance. The lead pair of
reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per
second each; they would burst into flames almost
instantaneously, creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or about the time Santa reaches the
fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since
Santa would be subjected to a centrifugal force of 17,500 Gs.
A 250lb Santa (which seems ludicrously light) would be pinned
to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015lb of force, instantly
crushing his bones and organs.
- Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's
dead now
Submitted by Dave,
Bolder, Co.
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An elderly Floridian
called 911 to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard." He
says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Submitted by Patty, Ringoes, NJ
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More things to do on an
elevator to unnerve your fellow elevator passengers:
- When there's only one other person in
the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it
wasn't you.
- Push the buttons and pretend they
give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
- Ask if you can push the button for
other people, but push the wrong ones.
- Call the Psychic Hotline from your
cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
- Hold the doors open and say your
waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and
say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
- Drop a pen and wait until someone
goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
- Bring a camera and take pictures of
everyone in the elevator.
- Move your desk into the elevator and
whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
- Lay down the twister mat and ask
people if they would like to play.
- Leave a box in the corner, and when
someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
- Pretend you are a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
- Ask, "Did you feel that?"
- Stand really close to someone,
sniffing them occasionally.
- When the doors close, announce to the
others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
- Swat at flies that don't exist.
- Tell people that you can see their
aura.
- Call out, "Group Hug!"and then
enforce it.
- Grimace painfully while smacking your
forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
- Crack open your briefcase or purse,
and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
- Stand silently and motionless in the
corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- Stare at another passenger for a
while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back
away slowly.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and use it
to talk to the other passengers.
- Listen to the elevator walls with
your stethoscope.
- Make explosion noises when anyone
presses a button.
- Stare, grinning at another passenger
for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
- Draw a little square on the floor
with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY
personal space!"
Submitted by
Bill, Narberth,
Pa.
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Whoops ... it appears Santa strayed
into the path of an airliner ...
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Dec
18th Humor Page |
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