Four men were bragging
about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the
second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the
fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his
cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over
to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a
circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do
better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your
stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned
with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3
cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do
better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your
stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out
a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and
poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the
Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?".
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee
Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate
the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, pounced on the
other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in
for Worker's Compensation and went home for the rest of the day
on sick leave.
Submitted by Mike,
Broomfield, Co.
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Someone out there either
has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
- George Bush: When you rearrange the
letters: He bugs Gore
- Dormitory: When you rearrange the
letters: Dirty Room
- Evangelist: When you rearrange the
letters: Evil's Agent
- Desperation: When you rearrange the
letters: A Rope Ends It
- The Morse Code: When you rearrange
the letters: Here Come Dots
- Slot Machines: When you rearrange the
letters: Cash Lost in em
- Animosity: When you rearrange the
letters: Is No Amity
- Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the
letters: Woman Hitler
- Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the
letters: Alas! No More Z's
- A Decimal Point: When you rearrange
the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
- The Earthquakes: When you rearrange
the letters: That Queer Shake
- Eleven plus two: When you rearrange
the letters: Twelve plus one
Submitted by Bill,
Narberth, Pa
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There's a woman who lives
by a three-word philosophy: "Seize the moment."
Just possibly, she may be the wisest
woman on this planet. Too many people put off something that
brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it,
don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or
are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all
those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that
fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried
to be a little more flexible. How many women out there will eat
at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner
until after something had been thawed? Does the word
"refrigeration" mean nothing to you? How often have
your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you
watched Jeopardy! on television?
I cannot count the times I called my
sister and said, "How about going to
lunch in a half hour?" She would
gasp and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My
hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late
breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite:
"It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did
have lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much
into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on
a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the
conditions are perfect. We'll go back and visit the grandparents
when we get Steven toilet-trained. We'll entertain-when we
replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon
when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get
older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to
ourselves gets longer.
One morning, we awaken, and all we have
to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to,"
"I plan on" and "Someday, when things are settled
down a bit." When anyone calls my 'seize the moment'
friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She
keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is
contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready
to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an
elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10
years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it
directly to my hips with a spatula and eliminate the digestive
process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a
triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I
would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do
something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list.
If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you
could make, who would you call and what would you say?
And why are you waiting? Make sure you
read this to the end; you will
understand why I sent this to you. Have
you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to
the rain lapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic
flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? You better
slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't
last. Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask
"How are you?" Do you hear the reply? When the day is
done, Do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores
running through your head?
Ever told your child, We'll do it
tomorrow And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch?
Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down. Don't dance so
fast. Time is short. The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere,
you miss half the fun of getting there. When you worry and hurry
through your day, It is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.
Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear
the music before the song is over.
Submitted by Andy,
Gettysburg, PA.
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