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You Know You're From New York City When...
- You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
- You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
- Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
- The subway makes sense.
- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
- You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
- The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
- You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
- You consider Westchester "upstate".
- You think Central Park is "nature."
- You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
- You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."
- You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
- You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.
- You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
- You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.
- Your closet is filled with black clothes.
- You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you.
- You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
- You take fashion seriously.
- Being truly alone makes you nervous.
- You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
- Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
- America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
- You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
- You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
- Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
- $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
- You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
- You don't notice sirens anymore.
- You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
- Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last
cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
- You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
- You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills.
- You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
- Your door has more than three locks.
- Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
- You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
- You run when you see a flashing "Do Not Walk" sign at the intersection.
- You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
- You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.
- You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.
- There is no North and South. It's uptown or downtown.
- When you're away from home, you miss "real" pizza and "real" bagels.
- You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas.
- You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.
- Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect.
- You know what a bodega is.
- You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.
- Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.....
- You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas
- Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you.
- You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from NYC.
Submitted by Pat, Smith Lake, VA.
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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi would get together for coffee and to talk shop. One day,
someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert
it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began
to read to him from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word and praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Oi, you fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Moishe Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany.
He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moishe explained.
"We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."
Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
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The best Trained dog ever! Download video: 4.4megs
Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, PA
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