Humor Additions for June 22nd 2005


     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


I won't be coming to work today because:
  1. If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
  2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.
  3. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
  4. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreen's.
  5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
  6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
  7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
  8. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

Submitted by John, Philadelphia, Pa.
 

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You know you're getting older when...
  • Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
  • You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
  • Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
  • Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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Spend quality time with your loved one ...

Submitted by Dick,  Williamsport, MD.
 

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June 20th Humor Page