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'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah,
you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their
screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my Mac.
When out in the Web there arose such a
clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
'Now Compaq! Now Acer!', my speaker did reel;
'On Apple! On Gateway!' Santa started to squeal!
'Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!'
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my
'Ram',
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his
backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a 'Dimm',
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his
nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
'Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!'
Submitted by Dory,
Pittsburgh, Pa.
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I wanted to send some sort of Christmas
greeting to my friends and colleagues ...
...,
but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say
without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on his
advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or
implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially
responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of
the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable
traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice
with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful,
personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the
onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due
respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to
imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and
without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability,
religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting
these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or
withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original
greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any
of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by
law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is
warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good
tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent
holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to
replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wisher.
Best Regards,
The Wisher
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne,
Australia
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Leroy and his wife blond Carol - a blond - live up north.
One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to
have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even
numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through"
Carol goes out and moves her car. A week later
while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says," We are
expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd
numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Carol goes out and moves her car again. The next
week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says" We
are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park... " Then the
electric power goes out.
Carol is very upset, and with a worried look on
her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the
street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love & understanding in his voice, like
all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Leroy says,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this
time.?"
Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.
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A
teacher who was helping One of her kindergarten students put on his
boots.
He asked for help and she could see
why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still
didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had
worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they
were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting
them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get
the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced,
"These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his
face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once
again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his
little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,
"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the
boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now,
where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my
boots."
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Submitted by
Ashley,
Emmitsburg, Md.
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This is a good video to see just how fast
a live Christmas tree will burn ...
....and consume the contents in a room and
how fast flashover can occur. This video is one minute long, one
minute....
Think about how fast this fire spreads and see if you have time to get
out? This is an eye opener for people who have never been firefighters
or fire investigators and know this.
Have a safe Christmas and check those smoke and heat detectors!
Download Video
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Submitted by
Ray, King Of Prussia, Pa.
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Dec 18 Humor Page
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