Humor Selections for July 17th, 2006


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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation ...

... and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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And they ask why I like retirement ...
  • Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
  • Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the recliner.
  • Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
  • Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
  • Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
  • Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
  • Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
  • Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
  • Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
  • Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
  • Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.
  • Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
  • Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif.
 

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Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  • My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
  • I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  • All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
  • If all is not lost, where is it?
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  • Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
  • I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
  • Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  • It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
  • The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  • When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  • It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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