JACK (age 3) was watching his Mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn t remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don ' t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mum good night "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mum asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don ' t know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mum will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his up turned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mum, what is butt dust?"

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"The brand new president of the Young Republican National Federation, 33-year-old Glenn Murphy, has resigned after one month in office, after police say he is being investigated for performing an unwanted sex act on a sleeping man. Murphy defended himself by saying the act was consensual and he may have had just too much to drink at the time. Well, what guy hasn't done that after a couple of beers? ... See, there you go. The Democrats may talk a good game at the gay rights forum last night, but the Republicans are actually out there doing gay things." --Jay Leno

"Last night, during a debate sponsored by a gay group, Senator Hillary Clinton was criticized because of her husband's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. In response, Hillary said, 'Sorry, but our entire marriage is based on me not asking and him not telling'" --Conan O'Brien

"It pains me to say this, but a 'Tip of the Hat' to the New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 1/2 inches to 12. I haven't seen this much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing" --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's doing more when he's not doing the job." --Jay Leno

"Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run and broke Hank Aaron's record. ... Last night, President Bush did not call Barry Bonds ... but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who's less popular than I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno

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Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these!"

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"It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine!"
 

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The sergeant said, “We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this,” he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. “That's fine,”" he said. “Report for work at 8 tomorrow.”

“But aren't you going to check the test?” the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. “You passed the test,” he replied, “when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.”

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Why can't I get a job?

And I'm sure that not one of them has the foggiest idea why they are unemployed

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Aug 17th Humor Page