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With only slight modifications - I make the same New Year’s Eve
resolutions every year...
Resolution #1:
- 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a
year.
- 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
- 2001: I will read 5 books a year.
- 2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
- 2003: I will read some articles in the
newspaper this year.
- 2004: I will read at least one article this
year.
- 2005: I will try and finish the comics
section this year.
- 2006: I will scan the headlines on the front
page this year.
- 2007: I will bring the newspaper in from the
lawn this year.
Resolution #2:
- 1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
- 2000: I will watch my calories until I get
below 190.
- 2001: I will follow my new diet religiously
until I get below 200.
- 2002: I will try to develop a realistic
attitude about my weight.
- 2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
- 2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
- 2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least
once a week.
- 2006: I will buy clothes that fit, but
without too much room to grow.
- 2007: I will finish the chocolate.
Resolution #3:
- 1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
- 2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
- 2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
- 2002: I will begin making a strong effort to
be out of debt by 1999.
- 2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
- 2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest
by 2001.
- 2005: I will try to be out of the country by
2006.
Resolution #4:
- 2002: I will try to be a better husband to
Marge.
- 2003: I will not leave Marge.
- 2004: I will try for a reconciliation with
Marge.
- 2005: I will try to be a better husband to
Wanda.
Resolution #5:
- 2002: I will stop looking at other women.
- 2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
- 2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into
another marriage.
- 2005: I will stop looking at other women.
Resolution #6:
- 2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
- 2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive
me to the point of suicide.
- 2004: I will stick up for my rights when my
boss bullies me.
- 2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group
about my boss.
Resolution #7:
- 2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes
jokes about my baldness.
- 2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie
kids me about my toupee.
- 2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells
the guys I wear a girdle.
- 2005: I will not speak to Charlie.
Resolution #8:
- 2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00
p.m.
- 2003: I will not touch the bottle before
noon.
- 2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
- 2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.
Resolution #9:
- 2002: I will see my dentist this year.
- 2003: I will have my cavities filled this
year.
- 2004: I will have my root canal work done
this year.
- 2005: I will get rid of my denture breath
this year.
Resolution #10:
- 2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
- 2003: I will go to church as often as
possible.
- 2004: I will set aside time each day for
prayer and meditation.
- 2005: I will try to catch the late night
sermonette on TV.
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburg, Pa.
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New Year Resolutions You Won't Be Able to Keep If You're a Nerd
- I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to,
uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er,
off-line work done, too!
- I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the
morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
- When I hear a funny joke I will not reply,
"LOL... LOL!"
- I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant
Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
- I will try to figure out why I *really* need
9 e-mail addresses.
- I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
- I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound
in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
- I resolve to work with neglected children...
my own.
- I will answer my snail mail with the same
enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
- When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing
list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
- I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as
a pickup line.
- No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
- I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive
daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
- I will spend less than five hour a day on the
Internet.
- I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
- I will read the manual... just as soon as I
can find it.
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburg, Pa.
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T'was the week After
Christmas...
T'was the week after
Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's -- all here!!
To the tip or your limit, every store, every
mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a
jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
""Enjoy what you got ... you'll be paying all
year!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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I was headed home after a long Christmas visit, trying to beat the New
Year's Eve rush ...
The trip had gone reasonably
well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had
turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously,
and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some
reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw
hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red
paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the
flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in
a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and
nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were
not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery
of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe
is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale,
which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage
goodbye."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Women drivers of the year
... Take 2
Fifth Place
Forth Place
Third Place
Second Place
Winner
Submitted by Bill,
Ardmore, Pa.
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Dec 29, 2006 Humor Page
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