• I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
• You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
• Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
• I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
• Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
• The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
• Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
• Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
• I've run away to join a different circus.
• I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Bob'

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..., were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts. The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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... and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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... and in particular "you can live in the Deep South where..." and was inspired to send you some of my observations of the South. By the way, although I currently live in Iowa, I was born, raised and have lived most of my life in South Carolina.

Thus, some observations from a southern expatriate:

• Southern Baptists are the friendliest people in the world. They'll say "hey!" to anyone except neighbors they see in liquor stores.
• Forget banning same sex marriage and making abortions illegal, the next President of the United States from the South will be that person who can turn Wal-Mart into a church so that it can open on Sunday mornings.
• Sign that the South is truly progressing: Sons are now being named "Tripp" instead of "Junior".
• The Southern irony: the unemployed southerners who proclaim, "The south shall rise again" i.e. to the pre-American Civil War status of economic prosperity for the few built upon oppression of the poor, are finally getting what they have been praying for.

Steve, of Iowa formerly of South Carolina
 

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When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open...

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,

Distraught In South Carolina
 

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...we could have alcohol, but only one drink per person.  I was fired for ordering the cups.

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny.
 

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July 27th Humor Page