... in applications for support of receiving payments.

• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
• I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
• Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
• I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
• I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
• This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
• Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
• I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
• In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
• My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
• Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
• You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
• I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
• I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
• In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• There once was a pitcher so bad, the crowd started singing Take Him Out of The Ball Game!
• Billy Martin once had four doubles in a game, but then he ran out of liquor!
• One official made so many bad calls, he was nicknamed, "The Dumpire."
• Will Pete Rose get into the Hall of Fame? Well, maybe the Gambler's Hall of Fame or the Liar's Hall of Fame!
• When the Red Sox traded Babe Ruth, they thought that that would make them a tougher team since then, they were Ruthless!
• One batter specialized in hit-and-run plays. His problem was that he used his car!
• I used to collect bats, but I got rid of them when they started biting!
• One pitcher, Joe Niekro, was called the Little Shaver. That wasn't because he was short, but because of what he did to the balls!
• Another player led his team in steals before he got nabbed for burglary.
• Some pitchers are so rich that they have their own personal ball scratchers!
• Did you hear about the new major league policy on drugs? Just say yes!
• One player had many runs, but they were all to the bathroom!
• One guy had so many spitballs that they called him the Pitcher of Water.
• You know that your color commentator is inexperienced when he says things like, "Green is a pretty color, but some people also like Red, and Blue is very nice, too..."
• One hit struck a chicken. Now that was a real "fowl ball!"
• One player was so dumb, he just couldn't get to third base because of the short stop on the way there!
• Once, when Bush was president, he went to a game and they asked him if he wanted to throw out the First Pitch. He agreed and tossed Laura out onto the field!
• Least favorite ballpark treat - Darryl Strawberry-favored Coke!

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And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

• "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
• "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
• "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
• "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
• "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
• "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
• "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
• "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
• "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
• "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
• "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
• "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
• "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
• "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
• "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
• "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
• "...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
• "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

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Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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July 28th Humor Page