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One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave.
One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.
He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.
"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"
"Yes," the other bat replied.
"Well, I didn't."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a plasterer?"
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Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalogue and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalogue?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth...
..., reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus
stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps
off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my butt. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Things you don't say to your wife - Download Video Submitted by Kenny, Emmitsburg, Md.
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World's Scariest License Plate 
Submitted by
Layla, Creagerstown, Md.
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Jan 7th Humor Page |
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