Sex
and Children
Rev.
Vincent O’Malley, C.M
The Church teaches that marriage
has a two-fold purpose: unitive
and procreative. The couple is
to draw closer together, to
become as one, while respecting
each partner’s individuality and
equality in being; and to beget
children, as the unique
embodiment of the couple’s
expressed love. Over the past
four weeks, I have written about
a couple’s essential activities
of communicating, budgeting, and
expressing affection within
marriage. Today, I want to share
a few words about the
procreation and formation of
children. In the following two
weeks, I will comment about the
roles of religion and in-laws
within marriage. As always, the
primary audience intended for
these notes is that of young
couples preparing for marriage,
or young couples recently
married.
Children are a gift from God the
Creator. Parents act as
co-creators in cooperating with
God in this profound and primal
activity of continuing the human
race. This gift of life is
beyond price, and begets both
ineffable joy, and moments of
unimagined sorrow. This priest
writes humbly on this topic
because I suspect no one knows
what a parent goes through until
one becomes a parent. Everybody
calls me Father, but no one
calls me Dad, and so it is with
the greatest respect and
admiration for parents that I
write these few words.
Begetting children is an
expression of love. The nature
of love is that it has to
express itself; love cannot stay
contained within oneself. Love
expresses love, which is usually
reciprocated with love. Love
between a husband and wife
begets a child conceived in, by,
and for love. Love makes the
world go around; love enables
humankind to continue. In the
document Humanae Vitae, Pope
Paul VI in 1968, contrary to the
advice given to him by a
committee of theologians and lay
people, taught that each act of
intercourse is to be open to the
possibility of new life, and
that responsible parenthood may
allow for “grave motives and
with due respect for the moral
law, to avoid for the time
being, or even for an indefinite
period, a new birth,” (para. #
10,4) The pope opposed not
natural birth control, but
artificial birth control. He
argued that the introduction
into society of artificial means
of birth control would lead to
increased marital infidelity,
heightened temptations to the
young, a loss of respect for
women who would become viewed
more as “instruments of man’s
selfish enjoyment and no longer
his respected and beloved
companion,” (para. 17,1), and
that some governments would
impose systems of birth control
through abortion, sterilization,
and limits on the number of
births permitted. The document
expressed concern that if sex
and procreation become
separated, then sex and love may
become separated. The document
did not receive a warm welcome
in 1968, but today it is
regarded as prophetic. At one
and the same time, I both
recognize the reported
information that most Catholic
couples practice artificial
birth control, and I exhort
young couples to appreciate that
the Church possesses a wisdom
that transcends human logic, and
that survives the test of time.
I say these things in all
humility, recognizing too that
priests do not marry, and do not
raise children.
Raising children. “Give children
roots and wings,” reads a
popular poster. The foundation
for a child’s life begins at
home. Home becomes the first
school of love, and the first
school of faith. Let symbols and
expressions of the faith be
visible in the home: crucifixes,
holy pictures, religious books
beginning with the Bible,
statues, prayers, and most
importantly, the conduct of the
parents.y-fold.
Keep a balance. The Church
teaches that the theological
virtues, namely, faith, hope,
and love are to be pursued
absolutely; and that the moral
virtues are to be pursued
moderately. Keep a balance among
the moral virtues of work and
play, serious discussion and
lots of laughter, prayer and
leisure. The most important of
the moral virtues is prudence,
which implies balance. “If a
deed which is thought to be
virtuous lacks prudence, then
even the good that was hoped to
be achieved will be lost.” (St.
Thomas Aquinas) “Encourage and
challenge,” is the motto I used
as a teacher. Students need to
grow positively by developing a
healthy self-image. Success
helps this image to grow. Create
situations in which the child
can succeed, and gradually the
child’s self-image will improve.
Don’t give the child too much to
do, and don’t measure the
child’s success by a standard
which exceeds the child’s
capacity. As the Scriptures
teach, “Fathers, do not nag your
sons.” (Eph. 6.4) Build up and
don’t knock down your child’s
confidence.
“Show them that you love them.”
An old priest told me this when
I was a young priest. Students
and children need to hear and to
see evidence that teachers, plus
mom and dad, love them, in order
for students/children to believe
that they are loved. Say the
words out loud, and often.
Because each child is unique,
treat each child a little
differently. When mothers and
dads differ on how to treat
their children, these parents
might consider going for a walk
together, and coming back home
with a unified stance. Even
toddlers attempt to run the home
at times, and sometimes the
little ones succeed in
controlling the parents.
Even the best of parents, in the
best of homes, sometimes have
children who perform less than
their expected best. Of St.
Elizabeth Ann Seton’s five
children, her two sons caused
her headaches until they reached
mid-life. St. Louise de
Marillac’s only child caused her
no end of embarrassment until he
settled down with the girl whom
he had gotten pregnant, and
together this couple raised
their child borne out of
wedlock. Of St. Bridget of
Sweden’s eight children, one of
her daughters became a saint,
but one of her sons, while on a
family pilgrimage to the Holy
Land, had a tryst with another
pilgrim, namely, the Queen of
Naples, and the affair resulted
in an international public
scandal. Sometimes children
don’t achieve the goals that
parents desire for their
off-spring.
Parents live and work,
hand-in-hand with God. Parents
are co-creators with God. Let
your love be simultaneously
unitive and procreative for the
glory of God, and for the
benefit of your children, and
for all society. And this priest
has the highest admiration and
respect for parents; in many
ways, parenting is the most
important job on earth.
sense appreciation that living
together runs contrary to all
historical, social, religious,
and cultural standards. Marriage
and family life are fundamental
to the long-term good of any
society and civilization. Living
together is called “living in
sin.” The behavior is
detrimental to the good of each
individual: man, women, child;
and the common good of the state
and Church. Every major religion
opposes living together before
marriage. Living together,
should a couple decide to marry
later on, sets them up for
greater likelihood of failure in
that marriage.
Read other writings by Father
Vincent
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