Activities of the staff of the University of Harney & the Tom’s Creek Fleet

As originally published in the Emmitsburg Chronicle

The Antics of the Emmitsburg Chapter of Former-Former Boozers Association

1911

July 25 - Dr. John Glass on the Mexican situation

Dr. John Glass and the strategy board of the War College connected with Harney University has been in consultation for 98 hours on the Mexican situation, and it is thought that when the results of the deliberation is presented to the War and Navy Departments at Washington, a plan will have been reached whereby all trouble on the border will soon be brought to end.

According to the Doctor, It was first proposed to send the armored cruiser and six battleships of the Flat Run fleet, under the command of Admiral Bushman, to the golf. This would have been the ordinary procedure, but after considering the difficulties attending such a move, it was thought best to adopt a more original and secret plan and the following idea will be carried out.

"Seven aero-planes loaded with molasses will be sent to the scene of the action, at the same time 800,000 rounds of Limburger bullets will be distributed to troops from Zora, Four Points, and Popular Ridge, whose regiments will already have reached the heart of Mexico. "

The plan is very simple: "The molasses will be release from the aero-planes, about 100 tons from each machine. This will have the same effect on the enemy as tangle- foot flypaper has on flies. When the opposing forces are rendered incapable of marching or standing erect, Limburger bullets will be discharged at them at a rate of 10,000 a second. Death will be instantaneous due to the smell of the cheese An important feature of this mode of warfare is that death will be so horrible that no further recruiting will be possible-no one will enlist in the Mexican army."

August 8 - Appointment at Harney University

Prof. Jacob Turner who has just accepted the chair at snakeoligy at the University of Hardy has announced his intention of opening a correspondence school with the idea of teaching all takers a course on the science of snake charming. The professor now has 28 snakes of different varieties fully trained and he says he has no difficulty in making them do anything he asked. In the collection, there are two copperheads which he has taught to dance the tango and a black snake taught to walk the slack wire blindfolded.

September 12 - University of Harney Invents Unique Airship

Probably one of the most unique airplanes ever constructed is that which has just been finished by Dr. Jerry Overholser and Dr. Daniel Shorb, both of the faculty of Harney University. This airplane may be seen for the next few days at the hangar of Dr. Shorb’s Estates, "Pig’s Misery."

It took 27 men, working day and night underwater, to build the machine. Many of the mechanical devices were designed by Adm. Bushman and the air digging devices by Dr. John Glass.

According to Dr. Overholtzer: "The main feature of the engine, which is of the complex eccentric type, is the simplicity of the duplicidentate. The meta centre articulates with the friction real and top burtons on the warping chock. This flutes the suction pipe in such a manner as to lap joint the back gear. The lubricator, connecting with a center balance spring, throws the pinch cock under the carburetor, at the same time opening the muffler cutout near the nephoscope. This feeds the silo juice through the bunghole and sparks the fifth wheel near the gunwale. The cloud anchor, which is regulated by a heliograph, is so adjusted on the pinochle deck that its releases automatically from the whiffletree, making it possible to stop and remain stationary by putting on the reverse clutch while going at the rate of 184 knots a second."

Dr. Overholtzer and his crew will make a flight next week at four o’clock from the Popular Ridge standpipe to the Eiffel Tower, stopping for lunch at the Sandwich Islands.

November 14 - Admiral Bushman Readies Fleet

Realizing that it will only be a matter of days until the Mexican situation will reach a crisis, Admiral Bushman is putting the Flat Run Fleet in readiness to sail to southern waters. The Board of Strategy of the Naval Annex of Harney University has been in executive session night and day for two weeks making plans for the combined attack on the Mexican arsenal of Coca-Cola Bay.

Admiral John Glass will be commanding the fleet, now coaling at Turkey Run, where it is expected that the Zorro Zouaves, under command of Col. Dan Shorb will go aboard. The Dry Bridge Dragoons will also form part of this command, which would take orders from Commodore Cornelius Buckingham, who will be the chief officer of the gunboat "Sardine." Nick Keller has been carrying cipher dispatches to Gen. Bill Snyder, who for the past 10 days has been secreted in a cider barrel in the cellar of the Mexican president's palace.

Gen. Jerry Overholtzer will have entire charge of the wireless towers, recently erected on Poplar Ridge. With this system, which is entirely new and the invention of Major Hiram Ranger, it is expected that the secret plans of the Strategy Board will be carried out.

The signal for the fleet to sail will be the explosion a 6,000 pop bottles from Carrick’s Knob. In the event of hostilities daily bulletins will be posted at Dry Bridge, Whitman’s Wharf, Pig’s Misery and other seaports in the area.

1912

September 13 - The Gyro Scutoplane

After many months of careful experimenting and the expenditure of $16,547 in real stage money, Drs. Herr Van Mueller and John E. Davidson, have perfected a flying apparatus, call by them the Gyro Scutoplane. It is propelled by an eight cylinder hexagonal engine using monkey feathers for fuel and is capable of attaining a speed of 85.6 miles a minute. A diagram and full particulars of this invention may be seen in the current issue of the Pallbearer’s Review. Decorations have been given both the scientist and each has received a medal of the Order of the Plush Ladle, conferred by the Sultan of Slush.

September 27 - Dr. Glass to Expand Money Supply

Dr. John Glass of the University of Harney has informed the President that he is not in favor of the recent decision of the Federal Reserve to issue smaller bank notes. Dr. Glass is working on an invention whereby, with the use of rubber and yeast, our present currency can be made to greatly expand. "Expandable bills," said Dr. Glass "will allow local residents to stretch their dollars further, allowing more to be bought with each bill." No response has yet been received from the White House on this innovate solution to solving our nation’s money supply.

November 15 - Dr. Shorb Gets Returns By Wireless

With his private wireless apparatus in the tower at Pigs Misery, Dr. Dan Shorb received the election returns. With the assistance of Dr. Glass he manipulated the intricate machine to a nicety, and long before the telegraph instruments of the county had ticked the news, Prof. Bushman, who had his airship anchored on the prairie dog house nearby, was on his way to Emmitsburg with bushel baskets filled with the correct information.

Dr. Shorb declared that owing to his splendid eyesight it was not necessary to use his wireless apparatus for returns from Thurmont, Harney and Jimtown. He simply looked over the shoulders of the clerks, from his private office at Pigs Misery, and wrote down the results. Some slight difficulty was experience in reading the tally sheet at Poplar Ridge, owing, the doctor said, too a bad wick in one of the lamps at that place.

November 29 – Tariff Code Revisions

It is reported that Dr. Glass and Professors Shorb of Harney University will be appointed by President Wilson to a special committee to revise the tariff code on codfish balls. Clarence Buckingham, brother of the Duke of Buckingham, will also revise the tariff on dill pickles. In an unrelated note, Col. Stonebottle, one of the most prominent citizens of Emmitsburg, painted his overalls on Saturday.

December 13 – Pinochle Tournament

During the holiday season the faculty of the University of Harney will engage in a pinochle tournament. The holder of last year’s trophy, a dill pickle, is Dr. John Glass. The trophy this year will be a loving cup filled with spinach, presented for this event by the Young Lady Society for the Prevention of the Use of the Denatured Alcohol and Strawberry Shortcake.

There are all kinds of corn-big and little corn, red, white and yellow corn in the cultivator thinks this particular kind is the best. Mr. Walters has been experimenting with every variety and he has succeeded in producing what he calls the "Genius Bulbus Diminutives" which grow no larger than a fried egg and is shaped like a beehive. Mr. Walters has 189 acres of this kind; each grain is capable of sustaining the life of four horses for three days. It is the farmer’s intention to send this year’s crop to Roostem Effendi in command of the Turkish troops near the Italian border.

1913

July 25 - Dr. John Glass on the Mexican situation

Dr. John Glass and the strategy board of the War College connected with Harney University has been in consultation for 98 hours on the Mexican situation, and it is thought that when the results of the deliberation is presented to the War and Navy Departments at Washington, a plan will have been reached whereby all trouble on the border will soon be brought to end.

According to the Doctor, It was first proposed to send the armored cruiser and six battleships of the Flat Run fleet, under the command of Admiral Bushman, to the golf. This would have been the ordinary procedure, but after considering the difficulties attending such a move, it was thought best to adopt a more original and secret plan and the following idea will be carried out.

"Seven aero-planes loaded with molasses will be sent to the scene of the action, at the same time 800,000 rounds of Limburger bullets will be distributed to troops from Zora, Four Points, and Popular Ridge, whose regiments will already have reached the heart of Mexico. "

The plan is very simple: "The molasses will be release from the aero-planes, about 100 tons from each machine. This will have the same effect on the enemy as tangle- foot flypaper has on flies. When the opposing forces are rendered incapable of marching or standing erect, Limburger bullets will be discharged at them at a rate of 10,000 a second. Death will be instantaneous due to the smell of the cheese An important feature of this mode of warfare is that death will be so horrible that no further recruiting will be possible-no one will enlist in the Mexican army."

August 8 - Appointment at Harney University

Prof. Jacob Turner who has just accepted the chair at snakeoligy at the University of Hardy has announced his intention of opening a correspondence school with the idea of teaching all takers a course on the science of snake charming. The professor now has 28 snakes of different varieties fully trained and he says he has no difficulty in making them do anything he asked. In the collection, there are two copperheads which he has taught to dance the tango and a black snake taught to walk the slack wire blindfolded.

September 12 - University of Harney Invents Unique Airship

Probably one of the most unique airplanes ever constructed is that which has just been finished by Dr. Jerry Overholser and Dr. Daniel Shorb, both of the faculty of Harney University. This airplane may be seen for the next few days at the hangar of Dr. Shorb’s Estates, "Pig’s Misery."

It took 27 men, working day and night underwater, to build the machine. Many of the mechanical devices were designed by Adm. Bushman and the air digging devices by Dr. John Glass.

According to Dr. Overholtzer: "The main feature of the engine, which is of the complex eccentric type, is the simplicity of the duplicidentate. The meta centre articulates with the friction real and top burtons on the warping chock. This flutes the suction pipe in such a manner as to lap joint the back gear. The lubricator, connecting with a center balance spring, throws the pinch cock under the carburetor, at the same time opening the muffler cutout near the nephoscope. This feeds the silo juice through the bunghole and sparks the fifth wheel near the gunwale. The cloud anchor, which is regulated by a heliograph, is so adjusted on the pinochle deck that its releases automatically from the whiffletree, making it possible to stop and remain stationary by putting on the reverse clutch while going at the rate of 184 knots a second."

Dr. Overholtzer and his crew will make a flight next week at four o’clock from the Popular Ridge standpipe to the Eiffel Tower, stopping for lunch at the Sandwich Islands.

November 14 - Admiral Bushman Readies Fleet

Realizing that it will only be a matter of days until the Mexican situation will reach a crisis, Admiral Bushman is putting the Flat Run Fleet in readiness to sail to southern waters. The Board of Strategy of the Naval Annex of Harney University has been in executive session night and day for two weeks making plans for the combined attack on the Mexican arsenal of Coca-Cola Bay.

Admiral John Glass will be commanding the fleet, now coaling at Turkey Run, where it is expected that the Zorro Zouaves, under command of Col. Dan Shorb will go aboard. The Dry Bridge Dragoons will also form part of this command, which would take orders from Commodore Cornelius Buckingham, who will be the chief officer of the gunboat "Sardine." Nick Keller has been carrying cipher dispatches to Gen. Bill Snyder, who for the past 10 days has been secreted in a cider barrel in the cellar of the Mexican president's palace.

Gen. Jerry Overholtzer will have entire charge of the wireless towers, recently erected on Poplar Ridge. With this system, which is entirely new and the invention of Major Hiram Ranger, it is expected that the secret plans of the Strategy Board will be carried out.

The signal for the fleet to sail will be the explosion a 6,000 pop bottles from Carrick’s Knob. In the event of hostilities daily bulletins will be posted at Dry Bridge, Whitman’s Wharf, Pig’s Misery and other seaports in the area.

1917

March 30 - German Spies Captured

Two German spies were apprehended in Emmitsburg; one on Tuesday, the other on Wednesday. The arrest was the outcome of the activity of the Secret Service Department of the War College at Harney University. The head of the service, disguised as a bunch of dock weed wading through 3 miles of calimus swamp en banc as the quarry was in the act of adjusting a time bomb with which he intended to blow up the Toms Creek Fleet’s cruiser "Paprika," which was laying in anchor at Whitmore's Wharf. A Limburger cheese, a beer opener, and a complete map of the fortifications of the forts along Turkey Run were found in their possessions. The prisoners were interned in the guardhouse on Bungalow Point where they will wait the action of the Spy Corps.

Read Prior '100 Years Ago this Month'