Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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"Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees.

Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers.?"

A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle??"

"Yes, ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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He took with him his life-long pet parrot. First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, "Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille."

The old chief told the parrot, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, "If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.

About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
• A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
• The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
• When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
• Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
• A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
• A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
• In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

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One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"

"Yes," the other bat replied.

"Well, I didn't."

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduce d with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
    
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
    
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
    
4. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't very hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. You mus t learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England . The name of the county is " Devon ." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
    
5. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and an inefficient form of communication.
    
6. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
    
7. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
    
8. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England . It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
    
9. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
    
10. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
     
11. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we me an.
     
12. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
     
13. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.
     
14. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
     
15. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
     
16. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
     
17. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
     
18. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
     
19. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
     
20. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
     
21. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg mayor Ed
 

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"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years to life."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was his response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the loan if you don?t repay it. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asked.

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK.

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Some thoughts on the self by Anthony De Mello

An elderly man ran a curio and antique shop in a large city. A tourist once stepped into his shop and got talking to him about the many curious things that were stacked around the shop.

“What would yo say is the strangest and most mysterious thing you have here?”Asked the tourist.

The old man surveyed the hundreds of items – stuffed animals, shrunken heads, mounted fish, bizarre spiders, archaeological finds etc., and after a while he turned and answered, “the strangest thing in this shop? Undoubtedly myself.” 

A woman was deeply hurt by the behavior of her fifteen-year-old son. Each time they went out together he would walk on ahead of her, making her think he was ashamed of her, and so she asked him if he was.

“Oh, gosh, no , mum,” he stammered in embarrassment, “It’s just that you look so young I’m worried my friends will think I have a new girlfriend.”

Her hurt vanished as if by magic.

An elderly man, with a piece of cake on a plate, rang the doorbell of a house. The friend who opened the door was told “My wife is eighty-six today, and she wants you to have a piece of her birthday cake.”

The cake was received gratefully, particularly as the man had to walk nearly half a mile to deliver it.

An hour later the man was back. “Is anything the matter?” he was asked.

“Well,” he replied sheepishly, “Agatha sent me back to say she’s only eighty-five.” 

A rooster was scratching around in the stall of a large farm horse. When the horse began to get restless and started moving around, the rooster looked up at him and said, “We’d, both of us, better be careful, brother, or we are likely to step on each others toes.”

Guess what the ant said to the elephant when Noah was lining up all the animals to get them into the ark.

He said, “Stop pushing!”

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
 

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... sits down on the stool next to him. He takes no notice, so she asks, "What are you drinking?"

"Magic beer," he replies.

"Oh, sure," says the blond, and moves away. But she can't resist this hunk, so she goes back. "Magic beer, huh?"

"Yep"

"So how does it work?"

He signals to the barman for another beer, drinks it, walks to the open window, and flies out, three times around the building, back in, onto his stool. "Like that," he says.

She's fascinated, but sceptical. "Yeah. Pretty good trick. Bet you can't do it again?"

So he does. She's impressed. I've got to try this, she thinks. "OK, I'm game. Give me one of those magic beers." She drinks it, walks to the window, jumps out, and crashes straight to the ground.

The barman looks at the guy and says "You know, you're real mean when you're drunk, superman."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
 

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...You must be a good typist and have good computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.
 

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... from the old established hair cutters' place.

Not to be outdone, the old master barber put up his own sign: "We fix seven dollar hair cuts"
 

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... use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.

There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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