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| Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street... ... when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'
'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'
She turns to the tall, shiny Go lden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'
'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.
'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
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| A father and son went fishing one day.
After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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| When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged... ..., but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Why there has been a fallout in Movie Attendance
- Movies are too realistic now, they look the same as your neighborhood outside.
- Twenty dollars per person, and that’s just the price for popcorn.
- Cellular phone use is up in the auditoriums, everyone is calling home say, "I can’t believe how bad this is!"
- The commercials before the picture take more time as the picture does.
- The lobbies used to be spotless and clean. Today, you trip over all of the vending machines outside selling previous best seller stinkers that Blockbuster cannot get rid of.
- The horror pictures are so gross, that there is a special vomit crew at each exit.
- Cary Grant, Spencer Tracy and Bette Davis have been dead for almost thirty years.
- Loose morals, drug use, stabbings, extreme sex and violence. And that is just the street thugs sitting in front of you are doing throughout the picture.
- They still won’t let you get your money back even when the film is run backwards in error. Then, it’s called an ‘art picture’.
- One film was run with the reels out of order, and nobody noticed—even the projectionist and the owners of the theater. In fact the makers of the film thought that it played better that way--so they kept it that way. It still lost money.
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
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| A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch... ... and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your
ranch for your water allocation.
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified.
So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....'Your card! Show him Your card!'
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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| As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy... .... who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed
mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Pa.
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| Do you need a new message on your answering machine?
If so, here are some suggestions for you to consider ...
- Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
- My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
- This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
- Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
- Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LO TS of money.
- A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
- Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
- Hi. Now YOU say something.
- Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, PA.
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| As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning... ..., "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old
hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.
"Yep, that's him," came the reply.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water... ... to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever
believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his
paws wet.
The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| While shopping two nuns happened to pass by the beer store...
One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is
for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.'
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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| You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada... ..., known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| When the graveside service had no more than terminated... ... There was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Submitted by My Little Sister Anna
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Rules for driving
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
- Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
- It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.
- Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
- Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
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| Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold ass much information as a CD-ROM
disk.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact
location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle... ... had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told
her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.
I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Yo momma's so fat ...
- she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac
- when we played hide and seek I spotted her behind the Himalayas
- when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials
- the whale from Free Willy freed her
- the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale
- when she steps on the scale it says one at a time please
- when she steps on the scale it says sorry we don't do livestock
- when she bends over we miss 2 days of sunlight
- when she goes to a restaurant she gets and estimate
- at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies " yes Please"
- when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.
- when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.
- when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.
- and you're so poor, when she comes in your house the tires pop.
- she don't know whether she's walking or rolling.
- when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"
- she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.
- her car is made of spandex.
- we're inside her right now.
- she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.
- one day when she got in a fight the person fighting her got lost in her.
- when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.
- if she were an aeroplane, she'd be a jumbo jet.
- one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.
- Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.
- when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
- she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.
- Yo mama so fat that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.
- all the chairs in her house have seatbelts.
- she smells like bacon at 90 degrees.
- I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
- when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
- when she hauls ass, she has friends come help.
- Yo mama' so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!
- they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
- she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.
- when she dances, she makes the band skip.
- the horse on her Polo shirt is real.
- when she works at the movie theatre, she works as the screen.
- when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.
- her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
- all the restaurants in town have signs that say:
- "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
- when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
- instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's.
- instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.
- when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
- all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.
- when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back in bed.
- when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.
- she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
- she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
- a picture of her fell off the wall!
- her picture takes two frames.
- when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
- she could sell shade.
- her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
- when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
- she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
- her belly button's got an echo.
- they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling.
- she roller-skates on busses.
- she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back.
- she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide.
- she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers.
- she whistles bass. she uses bowling balls for earrings.
- that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"
- when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway.
- when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide.
- when she stands up the sun goes out.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Yo momma's so stupid ...
- she thinks Trak Auto is where you get hair weaves for your car.
- she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.
- she got shot running the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial.
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill.
- she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
- she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."
- she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.
- she got on her knees to drink her "Nehi" peach drink.
- she thought Thailand was a men's clothing store.
- she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
- when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
- she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.
- she ordered her sushi well done.
- she thought hamburger helper came with another person.
- she thought meow mix was a record for cats.
- she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.
- she invented a solar powered flashlight.
- she thought the board of education was a piece of wood.
- she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read.
- she got hit by a parked car.
- she sold the car for gas money.
- she ran out of gas leaving Texaco.
- she sold the house to pay the mortgage.
- she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
- she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
- she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
- when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around.
- she thought asphalt was a skin disease.she thought Delta a Airlines was a sorority.
- when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
- when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.
- she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.
- when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
- when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved.
- she used a vibrator for an egg beater.
- she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.
- she asked you "What is the number for 911".
- she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album.
- she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England |
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